[Solved] "Final Contested Hearing"

I sent an email to the ex early in the week in an attempt to build some bridges for the sake of the kids (i was feeling generous).

This morning I received a response which has quite frankly driven me to the brink of Rage!

I went to pick up the youngest two, at which point I was supposed to see the eldest, but she was in the kitchen with her mum.
The handover is completed at the ex's friends house (at her request). I was invited into the hallway, and the friend asked the girls to get ready to go... When they were ready, about 10 minutes later, that was that - nothing else occurred.

The email this morning says that my eldest, after 10 minutes, decided to come out of the kitchen to pass me a note, only to find I wasn't in the living room waiting as had been agreed. This has upset her and she does not want to rebuild contact.

I wasn't invited into the living room, in fact her friend was stood in the doorway between the hall and living room!
And now, without even being aware, I've allowed further issues to damage contact!

I've bitten my tongue, and held in the rage whilst writing an email response to her, advising that I wasn't invited into the living room, no mention was made about waiting to see the eldest, and her and the eldest were in the kitchen, with no communication... As such, what was I supposed to do? But at this moment in time I am absolutely fuming!!

I've forwarded the communication and response to the CAFCASS officer, in the hope that she comes back with something constructive/useful - but I'm not hopeful at the moment.

Today is one of those days where I understand why some dad's give up... But if she thinks I will, she's a shock coming!

So what's happened? has contact not gone ahead? be very careful emailing the ex she can and will have you banged up for harassment are you due back in court soon?

Hi Slim,

Contact with the eldest hasn't been going ahead for almost 15 months.
CAFCASS want the ex and I to try and resolve it amicably prior to the final hearing in December.
This was the first attempt at rebuilding the relationship with my eldest, and i just feel like i've been played to look bad.

Emailing the ex isn't an issue at the moment, as it's been agreed at a CAFCASS meeting (so i have it on paper - plus there's nothing negative in the correspondence) I'm just hacked off that, after thinking it went sort of OK by the eldest actually being there, I get an email basically saying "you f**ked up" just because she didn't talk to her friend about what should have happened on Saturday.

My primary concern is that the ex is dragging it out yet further, until the final hearing so she can say "well she doesn't want anything to do with him, blah blah blah"... That coupled with the fact that the youngest is being gradually removed from contact, as she's not mine, and it feels as though my kids are being taken away from me all over again...

Hi Everyone,

just an update regarding how things are going...

I've been meaning to get one here sooner, unfortunately work have expanded my role recently and it's given me alot more to do (and more time in the [censored] car!)

Anyway, today I have sealed the envelopes and sent them off to the Court and the Ex's legal executive - Personal statement for the final hearing, proposals for contact, and associated evidence. Cafcass got a digital copy emailed over to them.

Cafcass have requested an extension to file from the court, as they need to do some extra 1:1 work with the eldest before completing the report (I'm sick of mentioning PA to them, but i think they may be taking the hint!)

After the failed "contact" with the eldest a few weeks ago, I leant heavily on the Cafcass officer to basically say "look - intentional or otherwise, PA has occurred and may still be happening. It's my responsibility to ensure my childrens' physical, emotional and psychological wellbeing are being looked after... and as the officer compiling the S7, you have a responsibility to ensure anything reported regarding that is accurate".

As well as hassling cafcass, I've been writing letters to the eldest, and trying to repair the damage done by the failed contact.
Last Saturday, after emailing the ex and putting some things in place, I went to collect the two youngest kids as usual. I was advised that I would be invited in to the living room, where i would see the eldest and hopefully get a chance to talk with her.
Saturday came along, and I went to collect the youngest two. The door was opened by the ex's friend, and about 5 seconds later the eldest walks into the hallway and straight up to me - a big happy smile on her face, as though nothing was wrong, and it hadn't been 14 months since we'd last seen one another. She handed me a folded note. I smiled and said "Thank you". She smiled back and said "You're Welcome"... and wandered off back into the kitchen where her mother was hiding out.

A few minutes later, the youngest two were ready and set to leave. Again, no invite into the living room, no sit down to speak with the eldest... Done.

I got the kids settled into the car and sat in the drivers seat. I opened the note and read it... my heart sank.
"I don't believe you.... don't call me sweetheart... I'll write to you, but don't want to have contact.... when you write to me, don't put Dad at the end, sign them [my name]" I had to fight back the upset and emotion for the sake of the youngest ones.

I had a chat with my girlfriend when I got back, and then got on with enjoying the contact for the sake of the kids.

I think the most difficult bit to deal with was the contrast between our brief contact in the hallway, and the content of the letter she gave me... but again, I feel that this gives me more ammo for a PA argument? (correct me if i'm wrong)

Anyway, I'm not letting it get to me.
The final hearing is in 3 weeks, and the CAFCASS report is due on Monday. We'll see what they come up with from their side and go from there.
At the end of the day, I was advised that I should try to be amicable with the Ex, and i have been. I'm asking for contact, but nothing I would consider excessive (less than 60 nights a year) and all i've tried to do is what is right for the kids...

So, as far as i'm concerned, with the exception of responding to the S7 report and the actual hearing itself, there isn't much more I can do.
Let's just hope I've done enough to make a difference.

BD.

Your eldest may change her mind over time when she realises that your younger children are having a good time with their dad, and that she's missing out.

Morning All,

It's been a while, and a few things have gone on - so I thought I'd better provide an update for you all!

I received the "Respondent statement on Thursday, so it was 6 day late in the end.
It wasn't all that constructive or helpful, mainly with it slating me, throwing accusations at me about turning up drunk to collect the kids, not showing an interest, blah blah. At the end of the statement, the ex was "kind enough" to agree to 3 of my proposals (the ones she would expect me to get in court anyway) but chose not to agree with the rest of them.

I didn't let it get to me, just let it slide and wait for the hearing... My main concern was the CAFCASS S7 addendum report. Given that the officer had been a little abrupt via email recently, and all the horror stories I've read on here, I was expecting the worst!

On Saturday morning, I received the ominous A4 envelope, opened it and prepared myself...

I only managed to read the first paragraph before I felt the tears begin to stream down my face.

"[Badgerdom] has been very proactive in ensuring he has the best interests of his children at heart. [Badgerdom] has proposed realistic options for the childen in relation to the time they spend with him. [Badgerdom] has also shown commitment and motivation in restablishing his relationship with [Eldest]."

"[Badgerdom] continues to be concerned regarding [Eldest] These concerns relate to Parental alienation and exposure to adult conversations and issues... I am concerned that unless there is some progression this relationship will never be re-established fully.... It is my opinion that [Ex's] relaxed approach to parenting and willingness to allow [eldest] to make her own choices in relation to her father will continue to prove unsuccessful. It is my opinion that if arrangements are not made for [eldest] to directly spend any time with her father by the court, I do not consider this will happen."

The rest of the report reads the same, referencing a lack of positive reinforcement from the ex regarding contact, that both myself, my fiance and her children have done everything possible to interact and integrate all of the children into a family unit... It couldn't have been more positive if I'd written it myself!!

She suggests that ALL of my contact proposals are implemented as soon as is practical, and that the court order covers the introduction of the eldest child into direct contact as soon as possible, with a timeframe to introduce her to the weekend staying contact her sister currently has.

I feel like, after such a long long time, we might actually be nearing the point where we can start to move on with our lives, and I can consider myself a whole person again - a dad to all of my children!

I know I'm not across the finish line yet, but I want to thank all of you who have provided support and advice on here so far... It really does make the world of difference on those darker days!

BD.

Result! A good report from Cafcass! [censored]??? Just shows you have taken onboard the nightmare others have had and made sure you have got a decent one and it's paid off bigtime, this is good news going into the final hearing as the courts really rely on the s7 so all looks good mate 🙂

That's all so positive, well done! Great to hear about a good Cafcass report too as we tend to read about the bad ones on here most of the time. Keeping everything crossed for you for the hearing. 🙂

...you must have hit the right note with her, I'm sure there are good as well as bad, thank goodness yours was one of the good ones!

It's not over yet but you've jumped the biggest hurdle by getting CAFCASS on side...well done BD!

Thanks everyone.

To be honest I just took the advice from the forum...
Keep it child focused, look forward rather than at the past issues, attempt to be amicable, and don't slag off the ex (too much)

Seems to have kept everything positive.
The stress of the impending hearing is still looming over me, but it's less intense knowing the CAFCASS have stood in my corner.

I wish I knew what I know now before I spoke to cafcass it would of made my life a whole lot easier for sure, when's your final hearing again mate? 3 weeks and counting for me, I can't wait for this [censored] to be over although I'm feeling more confident than I have done so far this year 🙂

The final hearing is a week today!
3rd December... Listed for 10am, but 70 miles away, so gonna be an early start... My other half is coming with me for moral support as always, so got to drop the youngest off at Nanny's house before we set off.

I'll be glad to get it over and done with to be honest. Now that everything has effectively come back as saying "you're doing the right thing", I just want things clarified in the CAO, and to get some closure to the proceedings.

BD