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I recently attended my FHDRA, and all things considered, I think it would have been hard to ask for a better result.
As a quick recap, I lived with ex in her house until earlier this year she decided to break the relationship. We were on good terms for the first couple of months, then things became difficult, she applied for a non-mol, I refused to give an undertaking, we agreed by recital to not bother each other and she withdraws the non-mol application. I start seeing my son less and less and she controls every aspect of my time with him, so I apply for shared care. She stops me seeing him altogether after realizing I applied for an arrangements order, and says I can only see him in a contact centre which is closed for the next 4 weeks.
I need to massively thank Mojo and MrB179. You advised me to swallow my pride and go to the contact centre. I did that. I found a contact centre that was open, self-referred and specifically asked for supervised contact so that I could have written reports. This was a massive (if expensive) winner. The reports basically describe how happy my son was to see me, how well I cared for him, and how he cried when I had to leave (this one hurts). I can't stress enough how important these reports are.
Still, mother won't budge, tells CAFCASS I have mental health issues (lie), the child is at risk with me and that I threatened to kidnap child ( lie ) and that she had to apply for a non-mol and I gave an undertaking (lie). I tell CAFCASS she is a good mother and I have no safeguarding concerns other than the damage this conflict may do to our son. CAFCASS see the contact centre reports and the non-mol hearing court order and come to the conclusion that there are no safeguarding issues, the only problem is lack of communication between parents so we should attend a SPIP.
We go to the FHDRA, mother refuses to even discuss any agreement, wants a S7 report, raises the tone of her allegations, now I am incapable of caring of our son, he becomes severely dehydrated when he is with me (lie), I chased her outside the contact centre and the staff had to hold me back (lie). I tell CAFCASS officer I would like to see our son 4 times a week under a progressive schedule (thanks Mojo!) and that I would like for the order to say that we share care ( rather than he lives with her and I have contact, I find that demeaning ). I also ask for shared holidays, birthday and Christmas. Because he is not even 2, I don't ask for overnight contact until after he turns 3. CAFCASS recommendation to the court ? That there is no need for a S7 report and that i have him during the day 4 times a week under a 3 month progressive schedule.
Mother still won't budge, insists (through her barrister) that she wants a S7 report because she only spoke to CAFCASS for 15 minutes so how can they know ? Court tells her no S7 report. To be fair, my barrister suggested that a positive S7 report could have been really valuable, my issue was that it would have taken another 3 months, and I would be stuck in a contact centre for that time.
In the end, the court refused to impose an order at the FHDRA, so I'm stuck with contact centre once a week which is all she would agree to. But we now move to final hearing 5 weeks away. From what I've heard, 5 weeks is not too bad, but when your relationship with your child is suffering, it does feel like a long time.
Now my question is, is the final hearing really final ? Can I really go from FHDRA to final hearing ? Seems too good to be true ? I guess it depends on whether mother decides to raise new fresh allegations ? Right now our positions are so far apart I don't think it's possible we will reach a mutual agreement next month. What would you do ?
I try to stay positive at all times, but don't get me wrong, this is the hardest thing I've ever done. Sometimes it really brings me down, but I pick myself back up because I have a son to raise. The system is what it is, and I keep reminding myself of Mr Slim's quote for which I thank him profoundly, "you can't beat the system, but don't let the system beat you".
Hi thank you for sharing
I've moved your post to the Legal Eagle section, where it is more relevant. I hope that's okay.
It definitely can move from FHDRA to Final if there are no safeguarding concerns. Both sides will produce their evidence, and any outstanding issues will be decided by the court.
I think at this stage, all you can do is carry on as you are, and wait for the final hearing to come round. If she wants to reach full or partial agreement in the mean time, this can be presented to court at the start of the hearing.
From what I've read and spoke to you so far that this is a positive outcome so far and great for other members to see.
I would not say overnights have to start at 3 if your unhappy with that. A fast progressive build up could be suggested with overnights between that period or some people don't have to have a build up at all it all depends on judge on the day from what I gather.
Good luck.
To be honest, I was the one who proposed overnight after he turns 3. I don't really have a problem with not having him overnight, I just want to be present frequently and actively raise him, not just be a every other weekend dad.
My concerns now are what happens if mom simply refuses to agree on anything. She is talking about PSOs, NMOs, the whole arsenal π
And even if the court gives out an order, what happens if she refuses handovers ? She keeps fabricating stories that I chase her and abuse her, and therefore she refuses to be anywhere near me, so how would we do handovers ?
One of the guys I met at the contact centre was only there to pick up his kids. He told me he had been doing it for 2 years because the ex refuses that he pick up the kids at her house. Thing is contact centre only opens every other weekend, it often closes for holidays around summer, christmas, easter, so how does he pick up his kids then ?
I honestly struggle with this concept that you become a every other weekend dad and that's ok, but we take it one step at a time.
You just have to be very careful to protect yourself if and when she is in the vicinity. have your phone on record and make sure any meetings are in a public place, covered by CCTV.
The court will give you both every opportunity to reach agreement, but if that doesn't happen they will make what they consider the appropriate order in the child's best interests and are likely to follow CAFCASS recommendations.
The more she carries on, making fresh, unfounded allegations and unreasonable demands, the court will lose patience and hopefully will put a good defined order in place. It would be reasonable to ask the court for definition in the order, due to her hostility towards your attempts to,negotiate.
It might be helpful to think about a trusted third party, such as a family member, that would be in a position to assist with handovers, failing that some parents suggest using a public place such as supermarket car park, or a children soft play area; these places have cctv so you would be protected from false allegations of confrontation.
If she breaches the order, you have the option of applying for enforcement... I will be honest, if the mother is intent on causing trouble, this may not stop once an order is in place, that's why it's a good idea to keep a record of anything involving your ex and child, even after the case is over.
You could suggest the introduction of a communication book that stays with the child and allows both of you to let the other parent know about anything that concerns care for the child, you could record what the child eats and drinks, if the child is on medication and when doses were given, that type of thing.
All the best
god dam this sounds like my ex,, hows it going? bud
One thing, although the advice re CCTV is good, I wouldn't rely only on that as some places won't hand over the CCTV without a court order (and it would have to be quick to make sure it isn't erased), so if you can record it yourself (dashcam in the car perhaps), all the better.
another good idea is a gopro on a chest mount π
Download & install and app like "secret recorder" on your phone. Start recording before handover and just put your phone in your shirt top pocket. Did the trick for me π
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