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Hi there,
I'm looking for some advice on this as it's all a bit overwhelming at times. I'll keep things as brief as possible.
My wife and I are separated. We'd been together 10 years, married 4 years, and have 2 children (7yo and 8yo). She had an affair. She has a new partner, not the affair partner, and a 6 month old baby - all within 18 months. I have a new partner too.
Prior to separation I had been the main care giver, given that I work from home. Upon splitting, and whilst I was coming to terms with her lies, she essentially took the kids and have dictated my contact with them ever since. I sent emails proposing arrangements. She agreed and almost instantly broke them. I was having the children for two nights and for tea on another. Eventually this became three nights as it made no sense to just have them for tea. After six months of this arrangement she texted me late at night and said 'it's going back to two days'. Upon my reply protesting, she said, if you don't like it, go to court.
I contacted a solicitor who sent her a letter appealing to my wife's better side. It didn't work. She did agree to mediation but when it came to it she backed out of that at the last minute once she's obtained a MIAM certficiate. I went anyway and obtained a MIAM certificate myself.
Upon returning the kids to her one day in August this year I wanted to speak to her about a few issues. I was recording the whole incident due to her previous lies and false allegations. She got annoyed during the conversation, went and got her BF, who came out ranting and raving. Ultimately it led to her BF assaulting me. Before I could call the please they had called the police and said I had assaulted them. The police are investigating still, months later, and now apparently a witness has appeared. It literally could not be clearer on the recording though as he threatens to assault me before assaulting me.
My solicitor has been great when I've seen them but slow in doing anything such as making applications etc. Therefore my wife has applied to the court for an arrangement order. Her application was chock a block full of lies. This week I had a telephone interview with CAFCASS as did she. Today I received the report from that call. We have a FHDRA hearing next week.
She has lied about the children and their cleanliness when with me, she has lied about a history of DV, she has also claimed I have suffered from depression for years. This isn't true. I was prescribed anti Ds by the doc after our separation and took them for a few days. I also visited MIND twice with the result being them saying there was nothing wrong me with me other than being upset.
Looking at the prelim report, which is largely bullet pointed, I feel it is biased and one sided to a certain degree. There are factual errors and then misleading sentences. One such example says that when I had the children for three nights a week, I accept that this was not in the children's best interests. I explained to CAFCASS that having them on separated nights was not the greatest idea but it reads like I'm saying them just being with me three nights a week isn't a good idea. There are other instances of this. In one other point referring to the assault, it states my name and the police being called but only refers to the mother. Reading it, again it looks like the police being called were my fault - yet I was the person assaulted. Finally their mother has accused me to assaulting her years ago. This didn't happen. She had a bruise which I believe was self inflicted.
Finally then, I'm wondering what, if anything, I am able to do to rectify this. Reading here and elsewhere it seems quite common for CAFCASS to get things wrong and to have an unfair bias towards mothers. I am not just a good dad, I'm a fantastic dad. My children literally leap at me when they see me as they're so excited to see me. I take them to a wide range of places, both fun and educational, do homework, read bedtime stories, the works.
I am proposing a rolling three day care arrangement. My ex wants me to have them on a Saturday and once during the week for tea. The thought of that is literally horrifying. Again, I was the main caregiver, did endless amounts of things for them. Their mother has always struggled to disciple the children, rarely read with them or got involved with homework. As is no doubt common her driving motivation is most definitely to secure as much as she can in terms of benefits and child maintenance. I have had contact from CSA this week and will hear from them next week to set up direct pay.
I have felt sick most of the day just looking at the report strewn with lies about me. I want this to go away. Now. I know it won't, and I'm prepared to fight for my children to ensure they have a good childhood with me heavily involved in it, but I don't know what, if anything, I can do.
I have little in the way of family help, and my solicitor, whilst good when I see them, is slow to do anything. Do you have any suggestions on my next move? The prelim report suggests a full report might be in order. I guess that's coming next. Any tips on how to deal with it to avoid the all too common curse of CAFCASS twisting things in the mother's favour?
Thanks
to be honest, I think your solicitor is best to advise you on this, so if they are being a little slow, I'd have a word with them and if you still aren't happy, then I'd consider changing to another solicitor.
Hi Actd,
Thank you for your reply.
I spoke to my solicitor two days ago, a day before the report arrived. They have seen the court papers outlining my wife's allegations but not the report from CAFCASS. The solicitor didn't seem concerned in the slightest, saying that whatever allegations are made first matters little as there are always counter allegations. I will be speaking to them again tomorrow morning and I plan to call CAFCASS to see if what I perceive as misleading information and factual errors can be corrected, but I don't hold my breath on that last count.
Reading on here it seems the a huge weight is given to CAFCASS' reports and that usually without extreme circumstances their recommendations are followed. I am already worried that I feel it's going to be a slippery slope of chasing them to get a fair hearing...and ultimately not doing so.
I'm just hoping that this forum could provide some insight on how to handle these next steps. Each step of the way during our separation I have tried to be the better person and set an example in how I deal with my ex, but she is taking the route of playing the victim and running for the hills, refusing to co-operate in almost every way under the guise of being too scared to be around me or whatever. Of course it's absolute nonsense and doesn't hold up to scrutiny. I have the texts on my latest phone from the last year or so which show me being nothing but nice to her. There's also other evidence showing us being together etc. I have my fingers crossed the witness to me being assaulted isn't a put up job. If it is a genuine witness to things then they can only corroborate my statement as I only told the truth. I cried last night. I miss my children so much. They have told me that they miss me. They have said they want an even split of time between myself and their mother. One of my children even opened up and said how their mother is trying to get them to lie. I have never stooped so low as to manipulate my children in any way. Naturally however, my ex accuses me of questioning and manipulating the children. It's like a real life nightmare. I just wonder how long someone can go on lying for in almost every way before the tide turns and the truth finally comes out. I had been just towing the line in hope that justice will be done, but having read a lot recently online both here and elsewhere in light of the upcoming proceedings that hope is fading fast.
Any guidance, tips, help, or the like from you all would be much appreciated. Thank you.
Hi there
What you are going through is par for the course unfortunately...not so much being assaulted by the BF, although it has happened to others here.
The report that you have received is the scedule 2 letter which is a very basic report with sageguarding checks and if there are any factual errors, you can ask for them to be amended, as for the content it will be up to you to counter it in court. Did the report make any recommendations?
If a more detailed S7 report is ordered, you will have a chance to put your side across and hopefully they will also include the wishes and feelings of your children. The court will most likely ask for statements from you both and. Your statement can include any evidence you have to back up your version of events and can be attached to it.
Try not to worry too much about what may happen and what allegations she is making, concentrate on your own case and keep it completely child focused....being the better person is good advice and you should continue to seek the higher ground. Courts are very used to hearing allegations, but very good at ignoring them if they have no substance.
No one can predict outcomes, generally the courts seem to favour alternate full weekends and weekly mid week contact, with a share of holidays and alternating christmas and birthdays. The fact that you were the main caregiver, won't hold great weight as it hasn't been the status quo for some time, but there's no harm in asking for more than you would be happy with, at least it gives you room to be seen to compromise.
The court do not like children to be questioned,I would avoid saying anything that might give that impression. Lies usually have a habit of being found out at some point and hopefully this will be the case for you.
Remember, you are paying your solicitor a vast amount of money to act in your interests and if you are unhappy with their service it is up to you to make them aware of that; they are paid to take instruction from you, they can give you advice but ultimately, if you want something to happen in a particular way you should instruct them as such.
All the best
Gosh. So much of what you describe resonates closely with my own situation. It feels almost as if there is a toolkit available to mothers who want to cast their ex in a bad light to marginalise them from their childrens' lives. I will post a summary of my own experience shortly.
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