[Solved] feeling forced into a situation

Hi there 🙂

I dont think its unreasonable because of your shift work, but I can also see that it could be problematic for your ex too, for instance if she wanted to get a part time job. I think Mediation might help...I know you said you cant afford it but if you are on a low income you may get financial assistance with the costs, its worth contacting them and enquiring here - www.nfm.org.uk

As far as being eligible for Legal Aid for your divorce/contact, being in debt isnt one of the criteria I'm afraid. However I'm sure if you have valid reasons for asking for the 3 days a week of contact to be flexible, and can produce proof of your fluctuating shift patterns, then the court should be open to it. Good luck 🙂

Yes go for mediation first, it will be a lot cheaper than the court process. If she is already aware you work a shift pattern,it is a bit unreasonable to expect you to specify a set number of days. If your employer refuses to allow you to change your shift in that way, get a letter from him confirming it too, but all the time, letting mediation know you do want your son to live with you.

I think the child contact is being addressed within the divorce settlement, is that right trinity. Theres a really helpful website called Wikivorce and if you're going it alone with the divorce, theres lots of info there.

As your wife knows about your shift structure, it appears shes being obstructive. Just make sure you have all the evidence to hand in court and as I suggested, get proof that this is your shift pattern and it was the same when she said you could have them 3 days a week. 🙂

Thanks for all the comments, I have applied for flexible time working . I have asked to work sun Mon tues and given its of reasons as to why this will benefit the company etc. My boss is really good and will take my request seriously but ultimately I think they will turn me down. But it will show I have made a genuine effort to agree to my wife's demand which can only help if it goes to court.
My wife just keeps saying she will be putting down access days on the court papers and I can agree or object.
So far I have not looked at court procedures but that will be changing fast, I will be looking at wikivorce thanks and prepare myself. My only access to the internet is my phone for now so I have not had much opportunity to research much.
I get online at home on Thursday and have a week off so I will be getting my head together and seeing what I can do.

Best of luck with the research and dont hesitate to ask if you are having problems 🙂

By the way, if you are on a low income you may be able to get help with the cost of Mediation...heres a link to the Legal Aid calculator.

www.gov.uk/check-legal-aid

The same applies to the court fees, if you are on a low income you could qualify for an exemption, to claim that you would need form EX160a.

Best of luck 🙂

Just to keep you updated that my employer has agreed in principle to me working a fixed set of days and I go in to formalise it on Monday. My soon to be ex wife has also agreed to the days that I have suggested.
I might actually be able to get my life moving.

That's great news Trinity! Best of luck with it and let's hope things go smoothly for you from now on 🙂

Second that 🙂

My employer has been really good and my fixed days are almost sorted, if my wife changes her mind then I will still stick the fixed days to show the courts that I can offer a stable and secure home for my son. It is so difficult to talk to my ex and it is all going through text messages which I don't like but at least it is recorded in writing and it shows how unreasonable she is being.
I am polite when asking questions and she is usually abusive back using swear words.
The worst thing is that this is a person I loved very much until recently and I am struggling to fight her but I know that I must if I want to have quality time with my kids.
It all began when she said that she no longer loved me and wanted me to leave, which I did but when I wanted to take some items out the house things turned nasty.
I took
A bed which she said that she was going to dump
a computer and desk
a laptop which she gave me 5 years ago and now decides that it is hers
a wardrobe
a stereo that had been in the loft for 5 years then used in the garage.
My own clothes and personal items
Decorating tools.
She said I was being unreasonable taking all of the above and demanded I leave half of the decorating equipment (paint brushes) and later demanded I hand back a set of drill bits that were hers.

I moved into an empty flat and had to buy
a bed for my son
Cooker
Fridge
washing machine
plates, cutlery
pots and pans
sofa
tv
chest of drawers
table and chairs
I had to furnish the flat so that my son would feel he had a home with me which I have done my best.
My ex still lives in the family home and only needs a bed, she has a pc and cooker , fridge washing machine etc.

Is it me or am I being unreasonable?
I have looked into legal aid but I am not eligible, I earn £30,000 which seems like a lot but with maintenance and bills I am not left with much. I used all my spare cash to buy stuff for my flat.
My worry is that my ex has a £10,000 inheritance coming which she will use as a "battlefund" and I won't be able to afford a solicitor to defend me.

Its great news you were able to get a fixed work pattern!

If you were taking items that were presents/gifts to you, they are yours to take as you will, as you said other items she was going to dump, or were in the loft, i.e. not being used. Who is being unreasonable? Not you.

If you did take items that were hers...she would be right to ask for them to be returned. Does she do drilling then? LOL!

to be honest, I doubt that she will want to use an inheritance on fighting a legal case! That's a lot of money, I wouldn't want to spend it on legal fees!

Well done on sorting out a fixed shift pattern, and good on your boss for being so understanding!

Arguments over who should have what are very commonplace after a break up I'm afraid, it will die down.

Yes it was my thought too that she won't want to line a solicitors pockets with the inheritance, there will be lots more things she will want to spend it on!

Would you not be entitled to a share of this money as you are married? Ha! ...just a thought! 😉

Ha,
Had thought about my share of the inheritance but it just does not feel right.

Well I think you should! 😉 ....she wouldn't think twice about gunning for it if it were the other way round! Perhaps you should go for it and if you are successful you could put it into a trust fund for the kids!

I second that NJ!

Give her the brushes and drill bits, it's not worth the hassle. I would certainly point out you may have a claim on the inheritance - it will give you some leverage, and you can always turn it down later on, or put it into a saving account as a college fund etc.

Yup, gave her them no problem. Hope for a couple of days zero contact now, I think we both need time out.

I've been issued with a divorce petition on grounds of unreasonable behaviour, I don't intend to defend it although I do disagree with most of her reasons. In the end does it really matter what is put down as the reasons? will they be made public? some are true and some are either lies or her interpretation of events, either way there is no chance of reconciliation.
She is praying for costs, could I refuse on grounds that I have been forced into financial hardship? I paid £1000 into her business account to try and save it which failed ( I borrowed money to do it) and also I ran up a debt of £3000 on my credit card fitting a kitchen just weeks before I was kicked out. She is benefiting from the debt I have.
My wife had said that she would pay off my credit card when she received her inheritance so I went ahead with the spending only to be dumped.
Now I am having to go through a debt management program as I cannot afford to keep up the payments on my loans.
I am going to see a solicitor today as there just seems to be too much for me to try and deal with, I will be very hungry for the next few weeks but what choice do I have?
I am using a local fixed fee solicitor.
I don't qualify for legal aid but I have no disposable income, I am kind of backed into a corner because if I don't use a solicitor and defend my self I will be at the risk of paying all her costs and letting her solicitors have a field day with the conditions like the property adjustment and pension attachment etc.
So So worried
To begin with all I was bothered was that I get to see my kids and now I feel that she will bleed me so dry that I won't be able to spend any quality time with them and that they will not want to be with me.
On a positive note the statement of arrangements does say that my children will be living with me for 3 days per week on the dates that I have chosen.
"to reside with the respondent for 3 days as agreed"
At the moment I am paying her an agreed amount of maintenance worked out using CSA guide lines (20% of my net earnings) and based on the children not staying with me at all. It was an informal agreement which I said I would pay because my daughter does not want to stay for 3 days per week but my son does. I felt morally obliged to pay the full amount because I did not want my daughter to experience any financial hardship.
Really I should be paying less because my son lives with me 3 days per week and my daughter stays over on an occasional basis. Am I right in thinking this?
To be honest if I pay her less then I will have to pay my creditors more so I would rather my kids got the benefit even in a round about way but now I feel I should fight for every penny!
Her inheritance is eating away at me because I don't want a penny but she is squeezing me so hard I feel forced to use it against her.
I cannot speak to her face to face as she won't speak to me and only ever sends me nasty texts (which I save) so I guess I have no option but to let the law people do their work.
Sorry about all the waffling on but I don't know who else to turn to.
Thanks for listening.

I'd speak to your solicitor - I wasn't aware that it was normal in divorce cases to award costs normally, but your solicitor can clarify.

You are correct that the CSA calculation would be reduced by your daughter staying 3 nights, but I'm not sure how it is calculated when only one of your children does this. However, the CSA will make an allowance for debt that was incurred for the benefit of the family before the split, so there should be a reduction for the debt you have run up for the kitchen. I'd also mention this to your solicitor, as i may come up in the final settlement calculation.

I would object to paying the costs of a the divorce. your wife being in receipt of a higher income than yourself.

It is pretty normal to ask for costs in divorce I private cases, not in the old legal aid cases.

As for CSA I would have thought there should be a reduction because you have your son 3 days a week..and as for the debt management, | would have thought that that would have to be taken into account when considering your income and expenses, you have a minor dependent. Might be something worth looking into.

No, my wife is unemployed but does have an inheritance. My solicitor is using her inheritance as a lever on the issue of costs.
I need to do the finacial settlement but at 125 pounds an hour I just don't have the money. I will be persuing it but not sure when. I do wantmy kids to stay in the family home so I have to gamble on her paying the mortgage. However if she does not agree to splitting the costs then I will probably push for the house to be sold or go bbankrupt which will force the sale.

sorry I thought you said your wife was earning.

You need to come off the mortgage of the joint property.

It is worth you paying again for the fixed fee solicitor, gt advice on the financial, house inheritance the debt, which will put you in a clearer position.

Yes everybody advises we sell the house but I am emotionally torn as I don't want to cause my kids any more anxiety, they have been very good so far but deep down I worry they won't want anything to do with me if I force the sale of the house. Realistically my wife could not afford to buy me out as she has no income other than her £10,000 inheritance, the equity in the house is about £40,000 and we are both in our mid 40's so the chances of her borrowing to buy me out is slim.
I am going down the route of a solicitor and cautiously taking their advice, but costs are a major problem for me.
I can't afford a holiday but I have got the kids for 2 weeks and I am trying to juggle quality time with planning for the future, so far I have been left with no extra cash at the end of each month.
My financial situation is hitting me twice as my inability to pay for a solicitor to produce a financial statement etc is going to cost me more in the long run. I know all this but with empty pockets what can I do?

One more point,
I am paying her 20% of my net income based on CSA guidelines assuming my kids don't stay with me, but my son does 3 nights per week. So far she has asked me to contribute to pay towards a school trip and new glasses, I am sure maintenance payments should cover these costs so I would appreciate your thoughts there.
What I will say is that I also have the chance to work overtime which will greatly improve my chances of paying for a solicitor however when my wife finds out she will want more money.
My thoughts are this, If I am paying more than she should receive off me based on my basic earnings then she can't really ask for more right?
When I agreed to the maintenance amount I used my P60 which did include some overtime so I think I am being fair.
The next thing I am waiting on is her wanting me to pay towards their new school uniforms.

You are correct - the CSA of 20% covers everything, including uniform, glasses, food etc - anything you pay over that is voluntary. I'm not sure how the reduction for overnight is calculated if only one of your children stay overnight.

IF there is £40k equity in property, I would have thought you would be entitled to about £10k ...roughly 60/40 division. Has she approached the lender?

Yes I see what you are saying about the property,but you also have to look at the future and what you may want to do. If you do keep the property, you will remain liable for the mortgage if she does not pay it!

The only other thing is applying for a Mesher Order, this postpones sale of property until certain events i.e. remarriage of ex but once commonly used, is now a difficult one and most solicitors rarely use them, as they have been known to have a sting in the tail!!!

This is why you do need the aid of a solicitor. As for the financial forms, you can draft these yourself, provide all the documents at the time the Form E is needed and you can get it here
http://hmctsformfinder.justice.gov.uk/
In the Court form finder just put in Form E, it is the Financial Statement for a Financial Order. Get the explanatory notes too and it will all explain the documents that have to be filed, eg bank statements, pension information, saving accounts, credit card statements (12 months worth up to date at the date of filing Form E!)

I have been slowly ticking along, waiting for the the court papers and the next bill, oh what joy.
My soon to be ex wife will not speak to me and only communicates via text, she went absolutely mad when I knocked on the door to drop my sons mobile phone off sending me text after text about all the bad things I have done. She said I should have texted and waited out side.
Then she threatened to move away with the kids!
She is also blaming me for her struggling to pay the mortgage etc.
she wanted me out.
I don't think I can take much more.
I was not unfaithful but I did neglect her.

I have downloaded the form and will have a close look at it thanks.

Keep all texts to/from her - do not say anything that you would not want to be heard in court (because if it's bad, she'll make sure it is) and don't go to her house without a witness otherwise you'll find her calling the police and that will make the situation far worse for you.

I only go to the house to collect my kids other than that I stay away, I also keep all my texts. I never initiate any mrssages, I only ever reply and my replies are civil. She however swears and puts me down.

I have a question.
My son stays with me 3 nights per week, is that classed as shared custody or do I need something official saying shared?
On the statement of arrangement my ex has put that both my kids reside with me 3 days a week so I have it in writing.
My daughter only stays occasionally though. I don't force her to stay 3 nights.
My point being this with it in writing saying they both reside with me does that work in my favour for equity split/maintenance etc?
I think she slipped up saying they both reside with me, do you think I'm right?

Form e is a pain.
My wife is possibly going to agree to a 50/50 split as long as I deal with the debts. I am fairly happy with that so hopefully it can be resolved out of court.
One thing that bugs me in all of this, I have been working overtime to pay my court costs which is pushing my income up so I get the feeling I will have to pay her more maintenance.

The CSA will want the last 3 months pay slips normally, so once your overtime stops, contact the CSA immediately and tell them what your new pay is, and hopefully they'll re-assess you after 3 months again.

So far the Csa has not been involved, I pay her an agreed amount based on 20% of my net income.

OK, that's the position if the CSA are involved - if you come to an agreement, you could put in the agreement that it's 20% of your takehome pay - that way, once the overtime stops, it's not taken in account in the maintenance. You could try to come to an agreement that overtime is excluded at all.

Yes kind of avoiding it I must say. I can argue that as my son lives with me 3 days a week she already gets more than the minimum. I also pay for my kids phones and contribute to school related stuff so I am not trying to sell her short.
If I mention that I am working overtime I think she will just pressure me into giving her more which she is good at.

Well, the phones you are probably stuck with because if you stop, it may make contact more difficult, but everything else is what you pay maintenance for, so you don't have to pay those. I'd look at the CSA calculator to work out a figure, both with the overtime, and without, and include the 3 night per week you have them, and then see what she would get - she might decide she's getting a good deal now already.