[Solved] Feel like giving up.

Hi There,
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It seems crazy that she would stop contact due to travelling in your van, Especially as she used to travel with child in front from a young age.
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The whole double standards is a joke, I remember my ex telling me my son, didn't like having the child locks on in my car as he felt un safe as he couldn't get out if there was an accident, when she drove a 2 ddor car that he was quite happy to sit in the back of.
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GTTS

I know. the double standards and sheer hypocrisy is astounding. However it is beating me down and all I can think about is how I have this for decades to come and frankly, I don't know if I have the strength to see it through. Shes financially ruined me, broken me in every way and still has complete control and thinks nothing of actively making my life [censored] no matter how big or small the issue. I just think we all have to go at some point, is it worth suffering for decades or maybe I should accept meeting her was the end of me, that it was a bad call and its time to check out...I don't want my son growing up seeing his dad as a broken man.

🙁 i for one think this guy s right, so true mate,

Hi there

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggle... But checking out isn't the answer, no matter how low you are feeling. Your son needs you in his life, just imagine how he would feel having to carry the burden of loss for you... Children can feel such guilt because of the actions of their parents, when he is older he may question whether it was his fault.

I think you need to put some time and space between you and your ex right now and recharge your batteries. Buy a cheap pay as you go mobile as your point of contact for her, that way it doesn't affect your main phone. You can then take back some control of when you read the messages and/or respond.

You're at a low ebb at the moment, it's not a good time to make important decisions...take a break and be kind to yourself.

As far as court, I don't think you're in any condition to take that on right now, but if you take time out, recharge and build up your strength it's something that you might like to tackle later and we can advise and support you with that. You don't need more than a couple of hundred pounds, many dads here have had much success without using a solicitor.

Please don't do anything hasty, if you need to talk we are here to listen.... Just let me know you are ok.

All the best

Hi,

I'm still here. I have up days and down days. I'm going to visit my son tomorrow in Wales, of course she is demanding that she will stay with Him and I until she feels he is ok because I haven't seen him for two months and he will need settling. Despite the fact he runs into my arms after not seeing him for a month and I know its her neurotic controlling ways I yet again have no say in that, she will simply refuse to meet me and will then blame me for not co-operating with her perfectly reasonable and understandable concerns....

If I take time out to recharge she will throw something at me, defintely that i'm not concerned about my son, probably that i'm being arrogant or anything really. There is also a money issue now that has got her dad involved in and I now have him harassing me about something that shouldn't of been anything to do with him....and yes, I'm innocent about this money issue.

Over the last few days this whole car seat thing is beyond fair, but again, she has been totally reasonable about wanting him to travel in the safest way possible which she researched on the internet...but I would not have him in an un-safe situation, she is being over protective and controlling and I simply cannot win unless I somehow come up with money for a new car and a £500 car seat. Yes she offers her car seat if I get a car with isofix, but, I know right now, anything she doesn't like and she can simply refuse the car seat when I get to Wales and I'm screwed, thats why she is offering it...because she knows I cannot afford a seat to her requirements and keeps full control.

I don't want this in my life anymore. I can't deal with her, I can't take the constant feeling of being bullied, pushed around, subjected to ridicule, insults, ludicrous demands time and time again.....and somehow, I always end out the bad man, the one to blame...that she is reasonable in every way and if I try to negotiate my point or opinion or needs, I'm the bad man.

Why oh why did I ever meet her....why?!!

Thanks for getting back to us...

As far as her Dads involvement, if the guy is harassing you/being abusive you could speak to the police about having a word with him, or take out an injunction to stop him harassing you.

Why don't you do your own research about car seat safety, I'm sure you'll find counter arguements to hers! Buying a new car just isn't practical for you and she is being unreasonable demanding this. As worn down by this as you feel, I think you should try and stand firm on this, perhaps write to her about it, explain your positiond the fact that it's unfair to your child to deny him contact with you, as he clearly misses you. Tell her that you have taken advice and if she continues to use denial of contact you will be seeking a solution via mediation and the court., temper this with assurances that you really don't want to take such action and would far rather sort it out amicably between yourselves. Reassure her that his safety and happiness is also your top priority and suggest you put a Parenting plan together to give you both a parenting framework that will help with a more successful approach to coparenting.

I understand that you are feeling unable to cope, but often making a stand for what is right and reasonable is the first step to putting a stop to her behaviour. This isn't your fault and you have to start sticking up for your self, low self esteem can be crushing, don't play into it...you are not the person she makes you out to be! She is using tactics to manipulate and control you, the abuse and bullying are part of this, it's a narcissists most important tool...by agreeing with her summation of you you are letting her take the upper hand. Take no notice of her degradation of you, it's just a tactic to bring you in line.... seeing it for what it is is an important step to reclaim your control over this situation.

You might think I'm simplifying your situation, I'm not but getting out of it and regaining your confidence takes one step at a time.

Well I saw him yesterday whilst being supervised by her as she wanted to make sure he was OK with me because he hasn't seen me for two years...as soon as he saw me from 20 metres away he ran toward me saying dadda dadda dadda and threw his arms around me and held on for what felt like an enternity. She became tearful and then started having a go at me that I seemed fine we have split up..I just said this isn't the time and not in front of our son, but she tried and tried to get a rise out of me and I did everything I could to not bite. She stayed with us for the entire duration bar last half hour in the park...when I returned to the car with him she told me she wasn't bringing him to my parents tomorrow despite the agreement she would, I left after saying I want him there its his belated birthday with us he has presents cake etc and my parents and I have been looking forward to it....various message exchange went on, every offer she made that she deemed reasonable I took up only for her to then deny it for some reason...then we discovered my dads car had isofix so we said my dad and I would travel up and collect him...suddenly she will bring him down. Its the morning and we are waiting for his arrival, but not without a barrage of nasty messages accusing me of all sorts and saying I'm not a caring father etc. I have ignored those messages and only spoke of my son and his day today....apparently I'm arrogant for not replying to her rhetoric. Anyway, we are now waiting. I think I need to sort out a contact order but I don't k ow how because she claims she isn't denying contact and all her requirements for me seeing him are reasonable but they are hurdles and blocks and walls where ever I go...can I get a contact order on grounds she makes decent contact hard?

Hi listerjones,

Mojo has given some excellent advice, especially about not making a decision while you are so low.

What I would add is speak to your doctor and ask if you can get counselling. You are obviously stressed out at the moment and possibly depressed.

One thing I have always advocated in today's society, where there is a lot of talk about putting children first, is sometimes parents putting themselves first is the best thing for the child. While I would rarely advise walking away from a child, you do need to look at improving your situation. Even if you stopped seeing your son, you would need to still support him so money wise it might not make much difference. However you do need to get yourself in a better place then you are now, and I am not just talking about your living arrangements.

Please give yourself and your son a chance, before you either walk away, or allow things to carry on. There is at least one more option, which is to get some help. My concern for you is either things will improve, which currently seem unlikely, or they will deteriorate for you over time, mentally and physically. Please speak to your doctor.

Well as soon as I mentioned my father would pick him up she said she would bring him down. She eventually turned up and left him...not without some more remarks I had to ignore.
I want to see him for one day at my parents next Saturday as its easter but she is now saying she isn't comfortable with him going in the car with me and picking any and every way possible to discredit me and my name. Its truly awful.

I have to try and get some sort of contact order, I can't take this, it's breaking me down.

Applying for a court order would take some physical and mental stamina...I'm just worried you would find it really hard.

Mediation is the first step before an application to court can be made and you would need to attend one in her location. If mediation fails, or the mediator thinks mediation wouldn't be appropriate they will sign off the C100 form to enable an application to court, this would also need to be in your ex's location.

Yes, when I say court order that includes mediation, however given how she is and continues to be I do not think it will stop at mediation.

When you say physical and mental stamina, to what level are we talking? How long would a typical process last start/finish? What are the costs without getting a solicitor involved? I think mediation is about £80 but i'm sure it differs. Why does it all have to be in her area? not to be sour but I live in the area my son was born and she shipped him to Wales,