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Ok – so as with every fathers post on here, it all seems so farfetched. But this stuff REALLY goes on and the mothers are REALLY getting away with it?!
I have an arrangement order to see my children every other weekend for 3 nights Friday – Monday. The Children are 8 and 6 years old. The order has been in place for 2 years.
Some time ago, I broached the idea of increasing contact. I was shot down (of course) by ridiculous reasons, but ‘awarded’ 1 extra night on a ‘trial basis’ by my ex.
My son is 8 – he is constantly asking if he can come and stay with me more. I have said to him he is always welcome and I would love to have him. I have suggested that he asks his mum if he can come and stay for the odd night here and there. He tells me that his mum just says ‘No’ and when he asks Why? She replies with ‘No Whys’
He is deeply unhappy. He tells me he feels ‘trapped’ by rules and control at home. He says he is starting to get ‘angry’ at home and act out at his mum because of way he feels.
He told me that he is fed up of hearing his mum, step dad and grandmother talk about me in a bad way. He says he gets questioned all the time about me. E.g. – Are you behaving this way because of something your Dad has said? Are you refusing to go to church because your Dad is discouraging you??
He is a very intelligent boy and very much understands the situation between me and his mother. He recognises he has to spend time with both of us.
I have tried to have an amicable conversation with his Mother about this. And suggest that maybe he is reaching an age where he needs some more flexibility in his arrangements. She firstly responded by saying she was not going to ‘reward’ him with seeing me whilst his behaviour is so bad. I explained that I am a parent, not a treat! – Needless to say the conversation ended badly, with her saying that she wasn’t going to take parenting advise from me!
Conversely – My daughter is 6 years old. She is currently having to see a councillor at school as she is suffering from a form of separation anxiety driven from guilt her mother is impressing on her. It is commonly spoken about with the councillor that my daughter feels ‘bad’ for leaving her mother and coming to stay with me because her mother has told her that she cries when she’s not around and misses her too much.
So it goes without saying that managing my daughters happiness when she is with me, can be a challenge.
Recently this has been worsened, by the fact that every time I go to collect my kids from school (for the weekend they are with me) – The mother finds a ‘reason’ to be there. She then clings to my daughter and makes a huge thing about saying goodbye in an overbearing manor. The Result …..
… My daughter ends up crying for the first hour I have her. Screaming she just wants her Mum.
This is now happening with alarming regularity. But the mother is very clever … she finds ‘reasons’ to be at the school which are difficult to challenge. i.e. – she has just joined the PTA, so is often there for a ‘meeting’ or an ‘event’
Likewise, she attends sports days, school plays etc. But doesn’t leave when they finish. She waits around for the school bell to ring and the kids to come out of class at the end of the day.
Recently, My wife and I took the children to the school xmas fayre – and of course, there she was. Working on one of the stools. And needless to say… when it came time for us to leave. My daughter kicked up something rotten!
Pffffffff – its exhausting. And of course, everyone says “oh she just wants to say goodbye to them”
- And yes that is fine, but I Know full well she is doing these things to mess with my daughters head. To a point where my daughter won’t even want to see me!
I just have no idea where to turn on this one. Any ideas????
HI There,
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You are in a tough place and trying to look out for your children, the trouble is that the things your ex is doing are very difficult to prove.
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I would suggest starting to look down the route of court, by the sounds of things you haven't been before and teh agreement you have is a private one between you and your ex, if this isn't the case then you could return to court for a change to the current order.
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whether you have been through court before or not you would need to firstly attend mediation, this is now required before you can applay to court, if mediation fails or you can't agree then the mediator will sign your court application.
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Although the courts can't change how your ex is acting and sort out the issues that she is causing your children, they can help you to get a solid set out contact order, within that you may be able to gain aproval from the judge that your ex isn't at the pick up point at any time and that even if she is there for a valid reason she isn't to attend where you collect the children from and just allow them to go with you without involement.
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Cafcass may also be involved and they can look at the effects that this is all having on the children, again they can't change your ex's attitude, but may be able to suggest some ideas to lesson the effects.
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GTTS
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