[Solved] FDR On Monday!

All we can do at this point is wish you well for Monday, let’s hope you have a fair and thorough judge that will weave a way through to the middle ground.

Be aware that a financial settlement/lump sum for Child Maintenance that is agreed by court order can be overridden after 12months of it being in place, and either parent can make a claim with the CMS, regardless of previous agreements to the contrary.

All the best and do come back and let us know how you got on.

Thank you Mojo,

Do you think me expecting no spousal maintenance is realistic? That's my main concern, the thought of paying for x period to someone who made my life very unpleasant for many years, doesn't bare thinking about.

I was going to go to the CMS and do direct pay for the children side of it, I'm assuming that will mean your point is invalid? I have to take that approach as my ex won't even accept that what the CMS told me to pay is correct.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Any reasonable person/judge would see that she’s an equal earner and as such, that spousal maintenance would be inappropriate... but that’s just a personal opinion and I have no experience/knowledge to base a reasoned reply on...sorry.

It might have been better to have opened a case with CMS prior to your hearing, as it stands now, you’re giving her £1200 a month, which might set a precedent., I hope I’m wrong though! As said, I have little experience on how these things work.

Best of luck

That's what I'm hoping for on our salary being similar. Me paying her £1200 was partly me wanting to seem like a decent person who isn't just shitting on his ex partner and giving her nothing. I would argue that the £1200 is x over what CMS said for the past 18 months, incase there is any 'pay this sum for x months'....like you though, no idea.

Best of luck for tomorrow, please do come back and let us know how you got on.

Thank you, I will do.

Ok, well today was a very strange day.

It started at 11 and ended at 5.30pm and we almost made an agreement. At around 5.15 my ex agreed to terms I'd been putting forwards, but I decided against it.

The day started with us way apart. Me, CMS (around £731) and 50% equity, her £2400 a month and £40k from the house (16%).

The judges view was that he couldn't make a decision on maintenance due to unknowns on my side (shares I have in my company...their value and seemingly still my salary, interestingly she then asked for half my 10% equity) and the fact my ex is choosing to freelance as a vet while she finishes a law conversion course to become a solicitor, where she could go back to full time vetting and earn around £57k.

The judge said that some level of maintenance would apply, although it wouldn't be £2400, but couldn't say if £1200 was enough (which is what I've voluntarily paid since May 2017). He was clear though that it shouldn't be for a long period, but that CMS should continue till my children finish uni (14 years for my youngest).

On the house, the judge took my side (sort of), saying that £100k gifted from my ex parents should be counted, leaving me with 37%...around £92k. From that I have a £22k asset in the form of a car, so £70k to play with.

We then spent the afternoon going back and forth with offers, £50k for the house, £2100 a month for 14 years, £40k for the house, £1800 for 4 years, then £1500 for 10 years...ending at £30k for the house (not sure how it got there tbh) and £1500 for 4 years, followed by £1200 for 10 years.

I wouldn't deviate from that last 'offer' even though I really didn't like where things had got to. My ex tried £20k for the house, then went to £30k with £1500 for 4 years and £1250 for 10 years, I stayed firm but unhappy.

We saw the judge, he commended us on coming so close and suggested we talk more in the hope of coming to an agreement.

A few more offers came from my ex, ending with my offer being accepted at 5.17pm...by which point I'd told my barrister I was feeling rail roaded and didn't want where we had ended up. My ex's barrister seemed very pushy on the deal, stating that I'd have £30k in 28 days or risk having a mesher order and not see the money for years (it's not about the house, it's the maintenance I struggle with), but I'd had enough.

We went back in front of the judge, he said he understood that I'd been pushed too far, urged us to keep talking before the final hearing and with those words, my wife leaned across the table and gave me the most aggressive look, the judge even told her to sit back down.

So that was that.

I kept telling my barrister 'please give me a reality check if I need one' and 'am I being unrealistic' etc...he didn't really say either way. For me though, I cannot understand that a guy on £3200 a month can be expected to give almost half his salary away for 4 years to someone who earns the same or more? It just doesn't make any sense.

My ex (it's taken me some time to admit and fully understand) is an abuser, she abused me mentally and physically for many years. I only wish, but know it doesn't work that way, that someone would consider that her having a stake in my future life, is just another form of the abuse.

I feel for you.... I was worried that the £1200 you were paying was setting a precedent, but it appears it was a starting point.

If it’s any consolation, after 12 months you can open a claim with the CMS and get the child maintenance adjusted according to your income... it will be less I’m sure.

It’s little wonder you feel that she has been given licence to carry on with the abuse, albeit financial.

Take a little time out and be kind to yourself.

Yes, I told my solicitor multiple times throughout this process 'should I not just start up direct pay CMS?' and the argument was that it would force her to try other things on me and could paint me in a bad light.

Now though, I think I'm going to do that and give her warning as I literally cannot afford to live if I lived on my own. Luckily I stay with my dad now in the UK and friends when I'm outside the UK but the cost of living outside the UK (my plan...within the EU) would put me way over my means with anything above CMS.