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Im in shock what is happening with me......
Am i allowed to post full stories? I have changed names etc....let me know if it isn't allowed. Am i allowed to post the pictures of the forms which tells you what DV I'm supposed to have carried out.
Hi Everyone, I have a long (ill try and shorten it for you) boring story id love some advice on, as I'm freaking out.
12 Years ago I met the woman of my dreams, a lovely policewoman, we got married a few years later then in 2010 We had a beautiful Daughter - Daughter 1 and 3 years after (Daughter 2), we were the perfect family, of course we had problems we had to overcome, but we did. We get to 2016 and it started to turn against us.
In February I broke my back at my Daughter 2's Birthday party (Bouncy castle incident, you can laugh its been long enough), I had shattered my L1, so spent a time in hospital, then 3 months off work and still now I'm in pain (lots of meds etc) The wife had a business on the side giving massages so that helped me a lot. I could move so still support her as she spent many nights out doing that, and I would look after the children.
In May, our Daughter 2 got diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, this was hard to take for my wife, who didn't cope at all, put her into depression and to this day she hasn't been back to work due to it. I helped out a lot due to this, often stayed up late playing xbox incase Holly woke up so I could deal with her, rather than wake the Mrs. She started going to counselling and put on med with the docs and she sort of started to change, a lacklustre person, she still went out and took the kids but she was always tired, I put my shift in as a dad and did what i could, as anyone would.
September came, I had some issues at work, I discussed with the wife about resigning, she said she would support me and whatever decision I would make, a week later(I didn't have to work notice period) my wife came to me and said that she wanted to separate as it wasn't working anymore. I left for a couple a days to my sisters sofa to gather my thoughts, whilst that went on my little Daughter 1 sent me voice messages(Joy of Apple devices) which she was super upset as my wife had told her that i wasn't coming back. This wasn't true as i couldn't ever stay on a sofa forever and didn't have the money behind me to find a place. So i returned to the family flat, The wife wasn't happy but understood. I made myself a liveable room in the loft, doubled bed TV etc, very separate from downstairs as you had to get up foldable steep loft stairs to get up and down. a week went by and I got diagnosed with testicular cancer, now as much as we separated we were getting on really well, for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to cut my upper arm with a knife(small wound just lower than my elbow), The wife called 111 for help and once I spoken to a doctor they realised I figured it was stupid and not a threat, and again the wife offered to support me as it was a pretty tough year for me too sometimes it got quite romantic, watching tv, cuddling, some kissing, she went hot and cold obviously due to the separation in her head (which she wasn't going to change) when it came to the Cancer I often rebuffed the wife coming with me(stupidity reasons i guess) My sister went to appointments with me. meanwhile in between this the wife and I led separate lives other than when it came to the kids, She asked me to babysit when wanting to get out with her friends, pick up from child minders, food, and other duties.(both kids were spending lots of time upstairs since i moved home, movie watching etc, generally cuddle time)
Soon after Chemotherapy started, it was tablet based so i could drive myself to hospital have the treatments and come home, problems usually started about 7pm, I had a bit of hair loss, vomitting blood (wife brought up a bucket) muscle and joint pain, pretty much everything you could think of the wife massaged my legs, she helped, but deep down I don't think she wanted to, She started taking the kids out all day and i didn't have the support i suppose i felt in my head i deserved seeing as her mum went through breast cancer 18 months before and she was there all the time. I couldn't do much as i was pretty much a vegetable when the effects hit.
One night Daughter 1(6 Years old) came up to see me she asked what was wrong, I told her "Remember what nanny went through a year or 2 ago (So she was told about that, and she cried her eyes out) I said Daddy is going through the same thing" ‘Sugar coated it’ She cried as she worried about death, but i said I would get better like Nanny, 2 minutes later as I was cuddling Daughter 1, Daughter2 came up and said “YOU’RE DYING”. Daughter 1 said “How weird”. So yes Daughter 1 was sad and cried, which obviously got picked up by Daughter 2. It was bedtime so they said goodnight and went downstairs. I heard more crying from Daughter 1 as the wife asked what I had said. About an hour on I heard the front door close. I was weak from my treatment but an hour later I went down to find the house empty. I then received a text message from my wife telling me that I tried to manipulate the girls by telling them I was dying, which is something I didn't do. yet, she wouldn't listen.
She went to her sisters, who she had severed ties with a few years earlier, they left on Saturday 8th October, her sister is a Domestic Violence Unit manager (not good news for me) She got the wife to change all her contact details, basically anyway I could contact her was wiped away. It is now the 19th October and I haven't seen my children since. in the meantime she has been back to collect extra things but when i was out, and there was a time where she wanted access to grab things for the children so i went to a shop downstairs(as i knew all the people local) for a tea. 5 cars turned up and by a neighbours count around 40 bin bags were put into these cars and left. I went back upstairs to a ransacked flat....its was horrid. I was still weak with the treatments so continued to live in the loft, Friday the 14th I went for my scan and got given the 'semi all clear' for cancer (Yay some good news) but would need 3 monthly checks.
My sister came round the weekend, but this time I was beaming with energy, and we did a spring clean on the flat, it looked amazing, like a show home when she left, except the girls rooms, we havent had time to get in there yet as its still horrid. Ill post pics if you peeps wanted to see. I started to sleep in the marital bedroom, and kept it clean since.
I have been to both Daughter 2's and Daughter 1's Schools to see the Heads, to basically say i need to know how their schooling is going, and if they could keep me informed. I could have seen the children but didn't.
Today the 19th October I had a visit from a court person delivering me papers (C1A and C100 form) and an urgent court hearing date of the 27th October that ive committed domestic violence against her and the children both emotionally and psychologically. Im in total shock. I will post pictures of what she is saying against me. I have a CAB appointment Friday (been waiting ages for an appointment) and I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow to see what i can do...but have a feeling I wont be seeing the children again soon, except if they are supervised visits. The post then turns up with a solicitors lettings saying that she wants to come back to the family home for the good of the children, and if i don't respond they will file an occupancy order, which again is linked to domestic violence. I have limited funds (due to the job situation) a mother in Spain and a sister an hour away....[censored] is all I'm thinking, I never wanted them to leave, they could have come back at any time...Im only staying here until I find a job, save some money and rent somewhere....i didn't think things could escalate and this is without me actually doing anything.
Attached is pictures of what I'm accused of. I have texts from Sam from after all the incidents she is going on about and I was still babysitting whilst she went out with mates, cooking me dinners and on October 4th she came upstairs and had relations with me! One text she even called me a great dad and ill always have contact with the children! errrrrrrr!
Has anyone got an idea about where my head is (BOOM) and can women just say this stuff and win?? This year has been [censored](sorry for swearing) our kids are delightful, yet I could lose them, and then be made homeless in less that a week (as i cant stay on my sisters sofa forever) Daughter 1 is a daddies girl and i know would be missing me like crazy, Daughter 2 loves me and would miss me too.
a bad year, and this is the worst thing imagineable, I don't want to lose my kids! No criminal record, no calls to the police, nothing, her sister is or used to manage a Domestic Violence unit mind.
Advice?
Hi there. What a story.
I'm still living in the Twilight Zone since my ex walked away with our children 16 months ago. I know where you are at. It's easy for me to say things get better, they do but you have a very long and painful road ahead of you. Things will never be the same, you will never be the same BUT you can get through this.
Firstly, try to calm your thoughts as much as you possibly can. Try to stop your search for answers and reasons - the truth is you may never find them and you will stress yourself out looking.
Having read your post, it seems clear to me that you should be more than capable of representing yourself here and doing a very good job of it.
There are some golden rules to follow (aside from my advice above).
Google "The Welfare Checklist" - digest it and live and breathe it from now on. Also gain an understanding of "Parental Responsibility". Both of these things will help you stay "child focused" which is where you want to be.
Your ex can say whatever she pleases and I guess being a copper with her sister running the DV thing, she will know exactly how to word and present things. In the long run you should be able to use this to your advantage. She will be found out in court and when she is, provided you have a decent judge and CAFCASS officer, they penny should drop for them.
Read this site and the experiences of other fathers - there is gold dust here - forget other sites. Some of the info here is out of date but there will always be people on hand in the forums to give you current information and rock solid advice.
I would consider forgetting about solicitors altogether. I have found them to be nothing more than businessmen who are out to make a profit. They cut corners and they handle 80 or more cases at a time. You can inject the love and passion you have as a father, a solicitor wont.
Coram Childrens Centre is a great resource with free legal advice and you would do well to ring them and use them as and when needed. I'm not so sure about the CAB, never used them and have never needed to despite being in a similar predicament to you.
In terms of the texts and evidence of the truth you have, begin a process of collating it all. Put the texts into PDF files so they can be submitted as evidence etc.
The FPR are important too - google them and have a scan of the content so you can gain an idea of how Family Court operates.
In terms of contact with the ex - try to have none for the moment (I know she isnt talking anyway). You'll find that even asking to see the children can be turned into harassment etc. This woman has kicked you in the teeth - I know it and you know it - eventually the court will know it. How you behave and react from this point on is crucial. Be honest, be calm, be fair. Imagine the judge is sat beside you in everything you do an say.
As I said, use this forum as much as you can - forget all other websites other than Corum and perhaps The Parent Connection ( http://theparentconnection.org.uk/) - you will only waste time if you go elsewhere and your head will be filled with useless information.
Mr Slim is a resident father who has been through the mill too - find him and have a read of all of his posts - he inspired me in my darkest of hours and always reminded me that being child focused is the only way you can get through this.
Welcome to the club, it's not a club any of us wanted to join but here we are. You can do this please believe me.
Oh finally, forget booze or anything else to "ease the pain" - for the next year to 24 months you need to have a clear head and be sharp at all times.
I was about to say don't worry - but you will - I still do.
Your children need you to get this right.
Stick with the advice here and you will.
Sorry, Scotty, also consider starting a fresh thread in Legal Eagle - this is an old sticky and your post may be overlooked.
With your own thread, we can begin to follow your story and help.
Crumbs! That's allot to take in mate, first and foremost I would just like to say I'm sorry to hear about all that has gone off that's a real bad turn of events and you've found the perfect place for help and support.
First off I'd take a step back, calm down and I'm sure this can and will be sorted out most off all that's good news you seem to be getting clear of the cancer and you need to concentrate on yourself and get yourself fighting fit else you will be good to no one.
In a nutshell you've had a relationship breakdown in it's early stages so your head is bound to be all over which is completely normal and your health issue and your daughters have compounded everything along with your job and no not seeing your children and worry about where you live it's a lot to deal with.
I'm not sure where to start with advice but I suppose if it was me I'd start chipping off the block bit by bit so try and concentrate on your health first and if you're able try and find another job to fund you getting a new place.
In the meantime try not to look too far into the future as this will do you no good take things day by day hour by hour if you have too that's what I did lean on family and friends to see you through.
There's many fathers on here who have suffered a relationship breakdown and many have found they have been stopped from seeing there kids and the other parent has made up loads of false allegations me included I've had a couple of years of it.
Try not to worry about getting a solicitor many dads on here including myself have self represented in court and have got great results and if you're not that confident you could use a mckenzie friend.
Keep posting and I'm sure others can offer you some more advice.
Take care man
Slim
Wow, just reading your reply eased my mind slightly , Other than she has requested an emergency hearing so its 27th October, I don't know what happens in the initial hearing, 20 mins with a district judge it says....
The other issue is I registered Home rights with Land Registry here (her flat but ive been married 9 years) the solicitor has written to me to tell them i will vacate the premises by 27th October, otherwise they will lodge an occupation order, and again i don't know how that works as i have no where else to go....do the courts make your homeless? We have 2 floors here i was living separately upstairs, why cant that continue until the place is sold (she wants to sell)
Im more worried that everything is so close and what to do.
but thanks so much already....
Excellent advice there from justdad he replied whilst I was writing mine, keep posting and I will offer as much advice as I can to add to others you've come to the right place mate 🙂
That will be a directions hearing on the 27th which isn't too much to worry about it does exactly what it says on the tin it's for the judge to direct which way your case will go he or she will just set a date for the next hearing in a couple of months time and instruct different services to do their checks ect courts are very very slow so you have plenty of time to get your head round the process.
Thanks Justdad, just reposted as a new topic....can you all copy your stuff over, i want to read it all
Hi Scotty
I've moved your post and the subsequent replies in to it's own thread. I haven't yet managed to read it in full or the replies.
Can I suggest that you edit your post to remove all the identifiable parts or words. Please do not post any of your documents pertaining to your case. this is a public forum, you could easily be identified and proceedings are confidential.
I'm not too hot on the accommodation side of things - I would suggest contacting Corum tomorrow and starting a case file with them. I did this at the start and every time I call them they have the history in front of them so can offer sound advice.
Don't let the solicitor push you about. You don't even have to communicate with them at this stage.
For the 27th, I suspect you're going to need to be clear that there was no DV and that this is your home - she moved out. Where did the five cars of black sacks go for example? She must be living somewhere? So her immediate housing needs are being met.
Long term, you may have to agree to allow her back while you move out but again, speak to corum about that.
As I said, I am very sketchy on the housing side but I assume you are going to need to go into court with a position statement that sets out your stall.
Remember, do not let the solicitor bully you - in that court room you will have the upper had - at a Litigant in Person, both the court and the other side are duty bound to help you - they don't always (the solicitors at least) but the rules say they should - the FPR I mentioned before.
Mods delete them attachments on his post in the new thread. I've read them scotty and they are run of the mill accusations nearly every woman comes out with when they go to court so don't worry too much about them 🙂
So he'll probably give her what she wants in the short term of supervised access to my children?
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