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Hi I'm new here and need some advice.
I've a daughter, aged 6 and son aged 10 with my ex-wife and we broke up in 2005. The marriage itself was difficult as she suffered constant depression and extreme mood swings but I did my best for 7 years for the sake of the children. After we broke up everything seemed to be fine and amicable, we had a private arrangement with maintenance I was part of the kids lives still, I was having them over from Friday to Sunday nearly every other weekend.
To cut a very long story short she remarried in 2007 and has had 2 kids with her new husband, her depression and mood swings have become extreme and their relationship has been VERY rocky and argumentative from the start (usually in front of the kids also). She also screams and shouts at the kids virtually all the time, which I tried to address in the past but nothing changed.
I had a new girlfriend and she moved in with me after 6 months in 2007, I’m going to be totally honest that my relationship with my girlfriend was rocky also a few times and we even broke up a few times, however we never once argued when the kids were over.
Up until 2009 things were still fairly ok, the kids were still staying with us every other weekend and 1 night in the week. The situation for the kids was getting very bad in her home, the arguments got worse, they were getting hit a lot and my son had to call the police on one occasion too. The kids got very withdrawn, and her and her husband was subject to a social services investigation, so I looked after the kids for 2 weeks and they weren’t allowed contact with her. After 2 weeks they got a slap on the wrist, a no smacking order and had to attend parenting classes. The kids are also seeing a psychologist.
However, since the report with SS was issued my ex has been trying periodically to stop me having the kids stay over and causing a lot of stress. It started with text messages saying that I don’t want the kids staying over if *** is there, there seem to be no reasoning for it....she had made it clear that that’s what she wanted and she can do what she wants....she calmed down for a bit then started again late 2009 when my g/f and I were planning to rent a bigger place together, then she started again it with it. I’ve always been a very big part of the kids lives and it was destroying me the thought of not seeing them so in the end I caved and broke up with my g/f. So I was back to having the kids over again.
About a month past then out of the blue I get a text saying the kids don’t want to stay over that weekend, I said they’ve never had any problems in the past etc..but she was adamant it was the kids choice and that was that, but I could see them at hers if I wanted any time. Well this was ridiculous the kids have never had a problem staying over with me or me and g/f. What I found even more hurtful was that she was not letting them stay at mine but giving them to her mother for the weekend instead.
The whole situation was making me more and more depressed, after all I did what she wanted I broke up with my g/f and now she stopped me having them over again. She went back on the Christmas plans and gave them to her mum again when I was supposed to have them. By which point I really wasn’t coping, her new husband had just lost his job so without telling me she ignored our current private maintenance arrangement and went to the CSA, knowing that I just couldn’t afford to pay as there was now only 1 salary, and financially I was a mess already.
The whole thing took a big toll on me and about a month ago and ended in an attempted `cry for help` in front of my girlfriend who was over for the first time since I’d dumped her. We’ve since got back together and are determined not to let the ex-wife ruin it again and finally move into our new house.
What concerns me is what impact the whole `cry for help` is going to have as the whole thing escalated out of control as my g/f and I went to A&E a few days after just to get checked out and they said they’d get someone to call me about how I’m feeling. Then the next day when I was spending a few days out with my g/f someone tried to call me about it to make an appointment, they couldn’t get hold of me, so they rang my mum who was next of kin to say they was concerned. Then I was reported missing, my house was broken into by the police and they also turned up on my ex-wife’s doorstep told her everything !!!! Are they even allowed to do that?? The police finally got hold of my mobile later that evening and horrified is probably an understatement.
I didn’t tell my ex-wife I was back with my g/f and she seemed to calm down again and started letting me have the kids over again. But now I’ve had let her know that I’m moving into a new house with her.
Of course my ex-wife has other ideas, she’s made it VERY clear that the kids will not be staying over if I’m back with my g/f, she says it’s what the kids want which I know is rubbish. She says she talking to people for advice and she’s making the right choice. My g/f and I have never done anything to hurt the kids, but she’s now throwing allegations about my g/f now.
My son has even told me that he thinks he should spend 1 weekend at mine and one at hers, but the poor mite is only 10 and gets screamed at if he says the wrong thing to her face. She told me the other day that the kid’s step-dad is their dad from now on and I’m not. She also telling the kids the same and flying off the handle at my son if he doesnt call the step dad 'dad'.
I’m going to see a solicitor but I have never done anything like this before, so I don’t really know what to expect and worried about the whole police thing too. I’m under the impression I need a contact order?
Any advice would be welcome.
Hi
Firstly welcome to Dadtalk. I hope you are going to find the forum helpful.
I'm sorry you are going through this, it's an awful situation to be in. Your children are being treated like pawns by your ex-wife who clearly isn't putting their feelings and needs before her own. It sounds as if you have tried very hard to placate your ex, even to the extent that you broke up with your girlfriend, but that still wasn't enough. I'm glad that you and she have got back together.
However it doesn't solve the problem of you seeing your kids and to this extent it sounds as if going to court to try to gain access is going to be the way forward. I agree with the previous post, in that you should seek advice through Families Need Fathers who will understand the issues here. Call them on 020 7613 5060, http://www.fnf.org.uk . In the meantime I am going to ask our legal expert to give you some advice. It may take a day or two so keep watching.
I am sorry that you had this 'cry for help' and if you feel like this again in the future you can talk to your GP about what is happening.
I hope this helps.
Thankyou for advice.
I'm finding myself on a fact finding mission and I don't think I realised how many other fathers were in my situation. I've got an appointment to see a sol in a few days for their free 30 mins advise and to get an idea of the cost etc. Can you think of anything I should know before going there, or questions to ask?
The last thing I want is for this to have to be dragged through the courts as its not going to do the kids any good, but I just don't what else to do since she refused mediation.
Dear Anotherdad,
We apologise for the delay in responding to your query.
At present your ex partner is able to decide on any and all contact that you have with your children, purely on the basis that they live with her and from what you have said it appears that there are no court orders in place.
This is because it is the children’s right to have contact with their parents, not a parents right to see their children. Because your children are not old enough to exercise their rights independently and will not be for several years yet, it falls to the person that they live with to make these decisions on their behalf.
Your ex partner should be being reasonable about this and allowing contact when it is safe for the children to do so, however she is not legally obliged to do this.
As a general rule, it is for each parent to decide when the children are with them who the children see and what they do. The other parent will have no real say in this unless the courts have restricted who the children see, but it is very rare that this happens or unless there are legal reasons as to why a person should not be around children. Although at present as there is no court order in place the mother is able to be difficult regarding this matter.
If you are not happy with any contact that is being offered then it is firstly advisable that you attempt to negotiate this with the mother, using mediation if possible.
If mediation is not successful or the mother refuses to attend, then you do have the option of applying to court for a contact order. This is a legally binding order that states the days and times that you are to see your children, and the mother is expected to comply with this and may be penalised if she does not.
To apply for a contact order, you are able to instruct a solicitor or you can represent yourself (known as acting as a ‘Litigant in Person’). If you choose to represent yourself you are able to download the forms, C100, CB1 and CB3, from www.hmcs.gov.uk .
Once completed you are able to file these at court with the fee of £175.
When the matter goes to court, the judge will hear all of the arguments from yourself and the mother, and will decide what contact to grant based on what is thought to be best for the children.
The opinions of your children may be sought by a CAFCASS officer (they will not be present in court), however these are not the overriding factor and are given weight only in relation to their age, maturity and understanding of the situation.
The courts are generally in favour of granting contact between children and their parents and there will normally have to be very serious reasons for this not to be granted.
Although the contact will be between you and your children, and your current partner will have no rights regarding contact, when the children are with you it would be for you to decide who is suitable to be around them, and the court would not restrict this unless there were serious concerns.
We hope that this information is useful t you. Should you require any further advice please contact the Child Law Advice Line on 0808 8020 008 and an advisor will be happy to help you.
Kind Regards
Children’s Legal Centre.
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