[Solved] Ex won't discuss solo visitation for 7 month old

Hi BigBaldBeard,

Firstly congrats, sure you're having a great time being a father 🙂

Re: the above, it's awesome that you're already getting to see your son this much and that there has been an increase in time during contact already. Not sure everyone else's thoughts, but the good thing is there is frequent and consistent contact that has increased near-organically.

Tough one, I remember when my ex would kick up a fuss about me taking our daughter out at 6 months (usually after the fact and it felt like a way of trying to control me), but I imagine she has anxieties as would any mother. Not sure how communication is during your current contact, but maybe helping to show her that you can handle the time on your own and even involve her and asking for her input with things like feeding, changing, playtime etc. could help give some reassurances.

I'm sure you haven't meant it in this way, but mum might be seeing things as an attempt at negotiation i.e. I don't get the extra day, but get the extra time, so can I get 1 of the sessions on my own. Not that it's warranted, but people can get defensive as a result of what they assume is happening.

Final thought - not that I'm against mediation, but the nature of it kind of starts with a mindset of you vs her (although it doesn't end that way if things go well). If you can discuss what mum's concerns are and how best you can demonstrate to her your desire to support where you can and just grow as a father might lead to better outcomes all around.

Fingers crossed that all goes well, and best of luck dude.

Concerned Daddy.

Hi!

Thank you for the quick reply. I wasn't sure how much time separated fathers got on average, I've been told that 4/6 hours a week is kinda low though, am I wrong with this?

I've been trying to keep things very calm and focused on the child. I wouldn't wish any uncomfortable situation on the mother of my child at all, but I'm concerned that her views are strictly personal in nature, with very little consideration for my sons time with me.

Again, he is very young and I know there are regulations for children at a certain age. I'm also currently a student at University (mature) and working early mornings (12:30 -5am) , but I'm more than willing to be able to see him as much as possible. I also know that he is too young for stay overs at mine and he needs stability in his home. I just want what's fair for me and my son, time to bond together, without the supervision of my ex lol.

As a father, when I visit, I am very hands on. I'll change him, feed him, play with him and do all the things a parent would want to do. My mother tells me that you can see just how much I love my son by the way I look at him in my arms.

Hopefully she changes her mind one day, but it's causing difficulties at the current time, especially as my own mother and family don't get to visit him all that much.

Thanks for your insight with everything.

and thank you for the wishes of a better future 🙂

No worries BigBaldBeard,

Happy to share my (albeit limited) experience of the process so far.

I'm sure every father will say something different in terms of how much time they get on average (or what they feel is fair). I personally went from living with my daughter every day to nothing for 2 months, then 3 sessions of 2 hours, then nothing for another 2 months and now have a shared care arrangement that includes overnights.

One thing I can say is that consistent and frequent trumps trying to get lots in one go. You can always look to increase every few months - my own CAFCASS report looked to gradually increase contact every 4 weeks i.e. 2 visits at 2 hours for 4 weeks, then 2 visits at 4 hours for 4 weeks, , 2 at 8 hours for 4 weeks, on to 1 overnight then up to 2.

Fingers crossed you don't have to go down that route and you and mum can reach an agreement together, it sounds like she already wants you to be a part of your son's life - even if it is with strings attached. Find a sensible way not to rock the boat too much and cause contact to go backwards, those gaps are heartbreaking.

You may well be right that a lot of mum's opinion is of a personal nature but ultimately she has a lot of say in what happens today, and she has to care for your son after you go too. I think that there is a lot be said for both the maternal and paternal bond, but at this age mums well-being is certainly linked to baby. Again, involve mum as much as you show her you can do it yourself - it goes a long way. It speaks more about your ability to communicate and understand mum's needs than make you look like you can't do it yourself.

Not trying to teach grandmother to suck eggs here, but think about everything you can do (without overdoing it) to show mum your desire and capability to care for your son and that even if you're not together, you still need to be a team for his sake.

Not that it's sunk in fully for me yet, but I am trying to digest the advice given to me that fortunately our children will not retain memories of this age. My family haven't seen my daughter in 6 months, tomorrow will be the first day since that time. It's not fair but the person who suffers the most at this time is usually daddy - but that is our cross to bear. In today's fast and loose society, your son will be grateful for a dad who cares enough to make sure contact is happening (when the time is right).

Remember, even the longest rope has an end 😉

Other dads please throw in to the mix too. Concerned Daddy.

Thank you so much. It means the world to me to know I am not alone in this struggle.

I think I will hold off asking for anything extra for a while. I do feel lucky to have been given extra time with him and being that he is only 7 months, I can't expect mum to accept my every request for more time. I'll leave it for a little and test the waters sometime after Christmas.

The most important thing is that my son is loved and is receiving all the care he can. I'll keep paying my unofficial child maintenance ( Which I may request to get officially documented?) and offer my assistance at any point I am able. Other than that, I'll keep my distance, keep contact to a minimum and will see what happens in the future.

I guess my biggest fear is that if I don't fight for him now, it may be turned against me in the future if we end up going to court. How would I prevent them from judging me as a person who didn't care enough to go to court? Will acting amicable save me in the long wrong if this happens? Sorry for all the questions lol.

You are far from alone from what I can see in the forum.

I only wish I'd posted on here 6 months ago to get input from all the amazing fathers in this group. I was so scared that my ex would be looking for something to use against me (paranoid I know).

If the contact has only just increased, you may be right to see how the 2 x 3 hours goes for a bit. You might find some ways to slip in natural days out i.e. taking your son to see Christmas light show, Santa's Grotto or Winter Wonderland etc. Depends on how amicable things are, but you might be wise in inviting mum and baby. I think from my own experience that my ex felt like I only wanted to spend time with our daughter. Practically that was the case, but we are emotional beings - gotta take it all into account I'm afraid.

Not sure your thoughts, but I would keep the communication open and maybe general messages from time to time to just say you hope your son and mum are well, and feel free to let you know if there is anything you can do to help. I know from the SPIP course I went on that they talk about keeping communication business like, but if you come across too much like a bank manager and not a friend in some aspects it will work against you from my experience. I felt like the messages between me and my ex were more for reporting purposes rather than a genuine dialog.

Re: child maintenance again it's a difficult one as I'm sure you'll provide whatever you can within your means. It might be sensible to transfer to mum's account with a reference for record keeping until such a time that an official agreement is needed.

It's a very thin ledge to walk, especially if you feel people might use things against you later on down the line, but remember the family court doesn't want to play 3rd parent and would rather you can come to sensible arrangements on your own wherever possible. I personally think they'd commend the fact that you've been able to work out an arrangement thus far which seems to be working for the most part.

It's a little bit of a game of chess with this whole thing, so thinking a step or 2 ahead won't hurt - how would you be able to accommodate for extra time with your son in a few months i.e. do you have all essentials in place for the age group, appropriate car seat etc? How can you put this forward to mother at the right time so that there is minimal resistance and it feels like a team decision?

Also, great that you're seeing that your son is loved in all environments he is exposed to. His capacity to give and receive love from all family doesn't run out, and we all come to that realisation at different times. When mum is there (if not already), then things will progress a lot more smoothly.

Concerned Daddy.

I see what you mean, and for my own part, I am very friendly and personal. I still ask how she is and how her family are. The problem lies in the fact that for the past couple months, I had wanted to fix our relationship and possibly see if we could start again, as friends to begin with. She still has some emotional walls up with me leaving and still doesn't know if she wanted me in that way, so possibly, she is still very fragile about the whole thing.

I think giving her time to see me as a confident, considerate father will help her make the choice with giving me more responsibilities. I do, after all, value our relationship as co-parents and want things to be easy and smooth.

I didn't have a job when my son was born, so wasn't able to pay for him for the first few months of his life, however, I have now given my ex the money that I missed and she seems happy that i suggested it. Sadly she is still of a mind where she tells me, she is perfectly happy not receiving money from me and doesn't need it. I won't allow that at all and tell her it's my responsibility as a concerned and loving parent, to make sure my son is provided for, even if I can't be there to personally give it to him.

It's just the air around the situation that worries me, soon enough she will move on and meet another man and I hope so much, that she doesn't try to push me out of the equation. I feel she thinks our son is her own and not ours together.

Thank you for the advice.

Well continue to be courteous if that's how you've been to date. I'd not try and mix too much re: a relationship with you and her in additional to working out the current dynamic as separated parents.

With regards to finance - maybe you could suggest that you're opening an account for your son, and put the funds in there - again in my humble opinion its better to prevent a problem than cure one later down the line. Having a paper trail of how you've put aside for your boy is a large part of the battle, whether mum accepts it or not.

Should mum find someone new, you are still your son's daddy. My experience has been that CAFCASS + the family court want to maintain consistency wherever possible, so if you've been having regular contact now, then someone stopping that suddenly without valid cause cannot be seen as being in the child's best interest.

I know exactly what you mean with things left in limbo right now. I'm sure there'll be varying opinions here, but for me I think its wise to not leave anything to chance. God forbid, but if this ever goes to court, you'll typically be the one that loses out whilst checks are done and decisions are made etc.

So, whilst working on building the best relationship with your son, and communicating as best you can with mum, try and keep communications via text, WhatsApp email etc. I got into the habit of reading my messages a few times before hitting the send button and even sanity checking with my solicitor, friend or relative to make sure very little could be taken out of context.

Just live like your son will be in your life more and more, and be prudent about how you communicate should it be needed later on. I imagine that mum might be feeling guarded and the same as you in terms of you pursuing a more formal arrangement - in fact that might be part of what is affecting decisions today.

Concerned Daddy.

Also not sure on the rules about posting external links here, so if this gets removed apologies in advance.

I'd suggest having a look at the 'Getting It Right When Parents Part' programme.

It's a free online course that takes a look at some different separated family dynamics at different ages with videos from the perspective of mum, dad and the children!

I know your boy is still very young, but getting the right mindset about communicating today is sensible. There are some options to set some personal goals for yourself as well along the way.

Me + the ex had to do this as part of a court order, but I'd recommend it to every parent (even those still together). Link below, my friend.

https://theparentconnection.org.uk/users/sign_up

Concerned Daddy

Again, thank you so much for all the information. You have been a calming voice at a time where things seem shaky.

I'm taking a look at that link right now! I'm willing to do everything I can to be a good part of my son's life 🙂

Hi there

I think you have received some good advice from concerneddaddy; at 7 months contact is more about a little often as he will still be pretty dependent on his mother. She is showing willing by the small increase and I agree it's best to content yourself with that for a while longer.

It might be helpful to work on a parenting plan with your ex, there's a link to the CAFCASS parenting plan in the stickys at the top of the legal eagle section. It's quite an indepth plan and will allow you to open discussion about all aspects of successful co parenting as your child develops, and might help your ex realise that there are two parents in this equation....it should provoke much food for thought hopefully.

By establishing regular and consistent contact with your son you are laying the groundwork and as he becomes more independent, so the time you spend with him should increase... at some point in the next three to five months you should be able to have him on your own, the parenting plan might help to define this stage for you both.

You could suggest that you go out together to begin with, a trip to the park to the feed the ducks perhaps, playing the long game will work in your favour as will showing that you are thoughtful to the mothers anxieties.

All the best

Thank you for your reply and advice!

I have thought on it and realise that maybe I'm aiming a little too high currently. After all, my ex has done all of the ground work and I must seem like I'm trying to swoop in and take over. I wouldn't want that at all, every little boy needs him mum.

I have tried suggesting small visits to places together and things, but my ex is in a strange place with her emotions currently and still sees me as the man who broke her heart. I'm hoping maybe when she meets someone or after a little time has passed, I'll be able to accompany her with these little things, just to show our little man that his parents are still friendly and that nothing is amiss.

Only time will tell however, my ex can be very stubborn and a little bit childish when it comes to getting her own way, she has even thrown tantrums before lol. But I want no bad blood between us, any advice on getting through to extremely stubborn mothers on approaching a level co-parenting relationship? Anything would be fantastic!

Again, many thanks for the advice.