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Morning Dads! Just looking for some advice really, as I feel a bit deflated.
I'll give some background quickly - I have an 8yr old boy with my ex wife and I have a 2 yr old boy and an 8 month old with my most recent (now ex) partner.
My ex wife is engaged now, and she told me on the weekend that her new man has a 2 year contract (with a view to extend), to go an work in Singapore. She's going and wants my consent to take our son. She's said he will be privately schooled and she will be a stay at home mum to help him settle.
Now, here's where I'm torn. For my own, personal and selfish reasons, of course I don't want him to go. Will my relationship with him change? Most likely. What about the relationship with his 2 half brothers? But on the flip side, I also understand I need to do what's in my sons best interests. It'll be an amazing, life changing experience for him. Potentially learn a new language, learn a new culture, a whole new way of like. I'm asking myself, what kind of parent would I be to stop him having all of that?
My ex and her fiancee are both being very accommodating. They have pretty much said I can, to some extent, dictate the rules. How often I'd want to see him (she'll come back over relatively often to see her family and will bring him with). They said I can go out there anytime.
I'm inclined, to give my consent and blessing, albeit with a heavy heart. Does that make me a bad Dad? She needs an answer from me as she's handing her notice in as soon as I say Yes. Then they'll likely go in 2-3 months time.
If I was to give consent, what happens with Child Maintenance? I was going to suggest to my ex if, instead of paying her the maintenance, I pay it into a savings account and use that to spend on going out to Singapore to see him. Is that unreasonable to ask?
She wants to Facetime tonight to talk about it some more. I'm writing questions down as I think of them, but I also appreciate that she probably doesn't have a lot of answers herself. She doesn't know how often she'll be coming over etc. I guess I want to protect myself... don't want to give my consent on the basis she will be over, say, 3 weeks a year (for example), but then she gets to Singapore and changes her mind, and then i'm properly screwed.
Thanks for listening!
Hi there
I can absolutely understand your dilemma, I think it’s admirable that you can look at the bigger picture and put your own feelings aside for the sake of your son.
No way are you a bad Dad, quite the opposite in my opinion. There’s still some talking to do, to firm up arrangements and I think it’s an entirely reasonable suggestion to put the CM away to be used for travel expenses.
I don’t think there’s any guarantees that any agreements reached now, won’t be changed once they’ve moved... I think that a chance you’ll have to take if you decide to consent. However, she’s acted properly, when she could quite easily have sprung it on you at the last minute.
Don’t forget you also have Skype and face time to keep in touch.
Best of luck with the negotiations.
Get the agreement in writing and signed (might be worth going to a mediator to do that) just so that if it does fail, then you have evidence of what the original agreement was. Hopefully though, you won't need to fall back to that and your ex will be as reasonable as you are.
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