[Solved] Ex is manipulating my 6 year old against me! Help!

Cafcass are trained for this, and they are getting better at spotting parental alienation. That's no guarantee that it will go your way, but tell them your concerns, but concentrate on the positives of the relationship with your daughter, rather than the negatives with your ex, and hopefully they'll see through it.

Hi Jbizzle, so sorry to hear about this. No contact seems way too harsh. In my case, before CAFCASS got involved, I self-referred to a contact centre for supervised contact. That gave me reports that came back brilliant. Those really helped convince CAFCASS that I wasn't a danger to the child. Before any interactions with them, I made sure to take some really deep breaths and calm myself down as much as possible. I pumped myself up and made sure to be in a positive mindset. I never chastised the mother, to the contrary, I complimented her in a sincere way.

This system is brutally biased and while it does aim to look after the best interest of the child, it unconsciously presumes that fathers are more dangerous than mothers. I know exactly how it feels to be at the receiving end of that discrimination. Unfortunately you and I are not going to change the system. So you really need to play along.

Be nice to everyone (fake it if you have to). Presuming they come around to your house, tidy up, welcome them with a smile, offer them a cup of tea. Project an image that you are just a normal guy who wants to be a good father.

The long winded nature of the process will no doubt wear you down. Some of the things that help me with that are:

Getting involved in social groups. I volunteer, go to dance classes, have a weekly meetup in my town. It's not easy, sometimes I just want to stay home and cry, but that only makes things worse, so you really have to force yourself to get out there. This also helps with communication skills, which I for a lot of men in our situation can be a bit of an issue.

Counseling. Our situation is extremely stressful. To me it often feels like shell shock. Initially I thought that if I went to counselling it would be used against me, but it won't, and I find it helpful. If you explain the situation to your GP, they are likely to refer you and you won't have to pay for it.

Visualizing your relationship with your child. It's easy to fall into the trap of hating your ex, because she is causing this, but that won't help you at all. Stay positive, don't waste time hating anyone. Visualize the things you are going to do with your daughter once this nightmare is over. It will be over. So take the small steps now that will get you closer to where you need to be.

Stay in touch and let us know how you get on.

Thanks for taking the time to respond to me...

The next court date isn't until the start of December, so I have to go another 3 months with no contact. I get they need to protect the child with such allegations but I'm beyond devastated. During that time I'm told I'll hear from caffcass again for another interview, I'll tell them my concerns about how I feel she's going to be influencing my child against me. I'm jus so glad the school saw what they did, that was the last time I saw my child aswell and now all of a sudden apparently my child's scared of me... bit odd really. Heartbreaking stuff but I'm glad I'm not the only one out there. I'll concentrate on the good stuff but often even looking at pictures is to painful and videos of my little girl I can't even bare to watch yet it just breaks me.

If you allow me my personal opinion, when the next cafcass interview comes around, focus on the good things you do with your daughter. Tell them about the episode in the school where she was asking to stay with you, the things she likes, her favourite toy, TV show, music, how you have been involved, stay laser focused on the child, not on berating the mother. I know it's hard, I'm just saying this is what worked for me.

And when they ask for what your concerns are, I'd tell them you are concerned with the impact this whole situation must be having on your daughter.

...even looking at pictures is to painful and videos of my little girl I can't even bare to watch yet it just breaks me.

I felt this too. I remember all the good things I've done with my child and how our bond is being damaged and it breaks me. I used to just collapse onto the floor and cry.

Then I remember that none of this is the child's fault, and that if I don't pick myself up, he will be the one missing out.

Research suggests that children who grow up without fathers do worse in school, are more likely to engage in destructive behaviours, have more trouble forming bonds and relationships later in life, which in turn leads to worse social and economic outcomes.

So yes, I can certainly relate to the heartbreak ( theraphy will help ), yet we really need to pick ourselves up because as fathers we have a responsibility to raise our children.

No matter what anyone says, you are your daughter's father and she needs you. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

Hi there

I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time at the moment and superprouddad has given you some good advice about how to cope.

May I ask if you or your ex has a solicitor? You (or your solicitor) could write to your ex (or her solicitor) and request that contact takes place superivised in a Contact Centre until the next hearing. You can self refer and although it does usual incur costs to use the service, it can be worth it. With supervised contact, all sessions will be attended by a support worker who will keep a written record of how the sessions go.

Here's a link to the contact centres website, but some charities also,run them, either free or a much reduced cost. Which would be worth looking into

www.naccc.org.uk

If you havent managed to get agreement, have a word with CAFCASS, or the Social Worker who is doing the report, perhaps they could assist with this.

All the best

Hi

Thanks for the brilliant advice, it's been encouraging and appreciated. I couldn't afford a solicitor so I attended on my own, she also didn't have one with her which I was surprised at as shes been on income support for years. She's put her foot down and said she doesn't want me to have any contact and caffcass went along with it especially when she said my little girls scared of me. My hope and help Will be when they talk to the school and my little one. It's jus so discouraging to hear my child's scared of me when I know full well that's so untrue. I guess I'll jus have to emphasise how the last time she was in my presence there was only love shown not fear and thankfully was witnessed by the teachers. I jus know the capability of my ex partners ability to manipulate my little girl and the worry that could have on my ability to have access.

Hi there

Legal aid for family law cases is no longer available, unless there was domestic violence in the relationship, but this has to be proven before legal aid to pay for a solicitor is granted.

You could try calling CAFCASS and asking them if they could ask your ex to agree to supervised contact in a centre and explain that you are worried that the sudden suspension of contact will be distressing for your child, as the last time she saw you she ran into your arms and there was no sign of the fear that your ex has alleged. its worth a try, they can only say no.

If you have a good relationship with the school, you could ask to speak to them and share your concerns, you could ask the teacher that witnessed you with your child if she would write a letter saying what happened. She may not, it depends on the school protocol... but I do think you could have a chat anyway, to let them know that your child may be upset by recent events and perhaps ask if she could be given some pastoral care to help and support her.

All the best