[Solved] ex can't cope with son

Hi,

Sounds similar to what I went through, though I had stronger grounds to remove my children from my ex when she wasn't coping.

As you were married (and presumably named on the birth certificate), you have parental rights, which means that you can insist that the school keep you informed. I would say that it's worth going into the school for a chat with the head teacher, and taking in a copy of your son's birth certificate to show you have parental responsibility. The school really ought to take some notice of you, after all, if you can change your son's behaviour, then the school benefits as well as your son.

As for getting custody of your son, the courts would need a good reason to remove him from your ex. As a matter of interest, do you live close by - if you could show the court that he could maintain links with his friends, and stay at his current school, then I would have thought that this would help (not essential though), especially if your ex admits she can't cope. Also, have you spoken about taking custody with your ex - it's just possible that she may be happy at this thought. I would certainly that it's worth mentioning to social services that your son is staying with his nan - they may not be aware of this.

Kaisdad

First of all welcome to the DadTalk forum.

Sorry to see you have some issues, I will ask our Legal experts to log on and answer your questions. This may take a few days, in the meantime why not have a look around the forum to see if anyone has asked similar questions and had an answer.

Im sure some of our other wise heads on the forum may have some opinions to offer as well.

Thanks

Carl.

Thanks for the replies.

I will make an appointment with the school and insist that they keep in contact. Unfortunately I don't have any documents of my sons as my ex holds all of them.

I'm afraid I live 60 miles from my son, which of course doesn't help but i had no alternative due to not having work in the area I used to live.

I will also try to discuss the matter with my ex, but think that she will be very reluctant to hand him over due to the benefits she receives. But your advice is pretty much as i'd thought. I'm hoping that it all gets too much for her and she voluntarily hands him over or he just decides that he doesn't want to go home.

Just another thought: where would I stand if my son moved more permanantley in with his nans, i.e. if he were to start staying over more often at his nans than at his mums. Again would i have to go through the courts to get him? or would i be able to keep him at my house etc? As supposedly she would have already changed the terms of the custody agreement? (if that makes sense?!)

Kaisdad,

I'm sure our legal experts will be able to answer all your questions for you - or point you in the right direction.

Hang in there and hopefully a response will be coming soon.

Cheers
Gooner

Dear Kaisdad

As you were married to your wife this means that you have parental responsibility for your son. Parental responsibility, in everyday terms, means an ability to have an input into major decisions relating to your son. It also means that your son’s school should be providing you with information relating to his education.

If the school are refusing you this information then it is possible for you to make a complaint using the school’s complaints procedure. You may also wish to include our leaflet on parental responsibility ( http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/Res ... eaflet.pdf ) with this letter to demonstrate that you are entitled to this information. You could also enclose a copy of your marriage certificate which will prove that you have parental responsibility for your son.

If you wish to gain residence of your son then it is possible for you to apply to the court for a residence order if your ex-wife will not agree. The courts are generally reluctant to change residence from one parent to another unless there are very good reasons to do so. Generally a good reason would be that the child is at some risk of harm from their resident parent.

Depending on your son’s age, his opinion may also be important in this matter. The court may instruct a CAFCASS officer to ascertain the wishes and feelings of your son as to where he wishes to reside. If your son is considered to be sufficiently mature to make a decision regarding residence then his opinion is likely to be the main consideration for the court. There is no specific age where a child is considered to be competent and this is assessed on a case by case basis depending on maturity and understanding. As a rough guide, it is unlikely a child under the age of 10 will be found competent.

In order to attempt to gain residence of your son you should first of all consider the option of family mediation. The courts generally like to see that the parents have attempted to resolve the problems themselves. In many instances, legal aid will only be granted where mediation has been tried. You can contact National Family Mediation ( www.nfm.org.uk ) to discuss this option.

If mediation is unsuccessful or your ex-partner refuses to attend then you have the option of making an application to court for a residence order. If a residence order is granted then a contact order can also be decided upon for your ex-wife at the same time.

Going to court can be a stressful and expensive experience. It is a 'last resort'. Before making an application for an order parents should seek legal advice. It is possible for a parent to make an application themselves, but there are advantages to being represented by a solicitor. A solicitor will know and understand the process and procedures and can help reach agreements.

The court must only make an order where they consider it would be better for the child to do so rather than making no order at all. To make an application to the court you can either use a solicitor or alternatively act for yourself as a litigant in person.

If you are going to act for yourself because you do not qualify for legal aid then an application to the court can be made by filling out a C100 form and sending it to the court. You can obtain the C100 form by visiting the Her Majesty’s Court Service website ( www.hmcs.gov.uk ) or alternatively you can visit your local county court to collect the form.

Guidance on how the children and family courts operate can be found by following this link: . There is an application fee of £175. Once the form has been completed you should return it to the court with the fee. The parties involved will receive a date on which to attend court.

The court will make a decision regarding whether or not to grant residence based on what is considered to be in your child’s best interests.

We hope this information has been of use to you. If you need clarification on any of the issues then please do not hesitate to contact the Child Law Advice Line on 08088 020 008.

Kind regards

Children’s Legal Centre

Presumably your son must be around 11 years old - a court will take a reasonable amount of notice of his wishes (they just have with my daughter, who's the same age, regarding contact) - I'd say it's worth going for residence. If your son is staying with his nan a lot (and especially with her background), she has no parental responsibility at all, and I would say that if he's staying there, then it adds weight to your argument that his mother isn't coping (or isn't prepared to try).

Since we are still near the start of the new school year, I'd say now is a very good time to move him to a school near you as it's a minimum disruption to move him now, rather than later.

It's a little radical (and I'd get some legal advice before you do it) but since your son doesn't get on with his mother and is having problems at school, I'd consider simply removing him (after checking with him that he wants to do this PERMANENTLY) and going for custody - if he's settled with you and in a new school, then the courts would have to decide that it's in his best interest that he's moved back with his mother to take him away from you, and there doesn't sound like there are any grounds for them to make such a ruling.

As I said, though, get legal advice before you do this.

Just thought i'd give you an update:

My son has now been excluded from school for his behaviour and basically telling the teachers to f-off and that they "couldn't touch him" etc...

Have spoken (well attempted) to talk to ex about this and that changes need to happen before he ends up down the wrong path etc, apparently in her opinion she is doing a good job, she is refusng to change her method of disciplin (or lack of) I have suggested that I take him if his behaviour doesn't improve, thus giving her an option of turning him around, but she has point blankly refused, and became quite abusive and negative towards the fact my life has moved on and hers has not. (same old same old this tale is nearly 8 years old now)

I have managed to speak to the school and ask that they keep me informed and have a meeting booked for the 2nd November after Half term about all these issues, so will now hopefully have them on my side.

Would you still suggest mediation with my ex as i want to ensure i exhaust every avenue before going to court so that there is little option available to them but to issue me custody?

I am also going to inform Social Services over my concerns about the issues above and hope that they look in to it.

Thanks

As far as mediation is concerned, you generally need to go through this stage (or at least try) to get anywhere in the courts. I would think that if your son has been excluded, Social Services would already be involved because legally, your son needs to be educated somehow. I'd give them a call - if they know you are willing to take your son and put in the time and effort, it gives them an extra option, plus you can ask them to keep you in the loop. However, there is another side to this - social services generally (should) try to work with the parent to see what can be done to improve the situation - it's just possible that they could turn things around whilst your son is with his mother. Either way, having social services involved will add weight to your argument if they determine that your ex can't cope.

Oh, forgot to mention before - you can get a copy of your son's birth certificate from the registry office where you registered his birth, doesn't cost much, but may be a handy document to get now.

My wife introduced me to this site, so I'm going to plug what she does, because I believe it may help some people on here. She is a trainer for something called Protective Behaviours ( www.protectivebehaviours.co.uk - it's a charity, despite the .co.uk) - this is a way of helping adults come up with strategies for themselves and others. If you are lucky, your local authority will be enlightened enough to run these courses occasionally and there may be courses available for school teachers. The reason I mention it here is that recently I met a head teacher who said that since her teachers had been trained in this, they hadn't had a single exclusion from the school, and I know of a number of schools locally who are very enthusiastic about this program, not to mention parents who have been trained. If you are interested, get in touch through the website (email and phone numbers are on there) to see if there is anything organised locally.

Hi Actd

We here at Dadtalk wonder if its worth you sending, via the ask a question route, more info on your wifes charity - Protective Behaviours.

The ask a question link is here

http://www.dadtalk.co.uk/formmailer/index.php?type=1

cheers 🙂

I'll ask my wife for a precis - she's far more knowledgeable than me on the subject 🙂