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Hi everyone
I will try to be as short as possible.
I moved to the UK about 8 years ago. I was in a relationship for 7 years with my ex at the time.
I moved into her house that she just bought. Very quickly after I moved in, we were expecting our daughter. After a long chat, we decided to keep her even if my work situation wasn't perfect. I started to work a lot in the house, preparing everything and my work situation started to get better and better. I had 2 jobs at the time and I was very confident that my situation will get better and better.
As soon as my daughter was born, she became a monster. Manipulation and abuse. It started to be physical but I stopped the relationship on time before it gets worse.
She is very conscious of how people can perceive her, she is even obsessed with that so she knows how to behave like that privately.
When we split up, in January, I had to find a house on my own, it wasn't easy as I didn't have any contact or references in the UK. I had to sleep in my car for a bit but I finally found a house.Β
When we separated, we agreed that I would have our daughter 4 nights a week and half of the holidays. My daughter was at nursery at the time.
When she started reception, my ex imposed every other weekend. I told her that we should discuss this as I was working on Saturday.Β
I ended up seeing our daughter every other Sunday (2 nights a month) from the moment she put a step at school.Β
I have tried every combination of days for finding an agreement with my ex. "NO" was my only answer. I went to court and right before the pandemic, I had a court order in my favor.
The arrangement we have now is:
- Every Monday night
- Friday to Tuesday morning every other weekend
- Half of the Christmas and Easter holidaysΒ
- Two weeks in summer
- for any additional time both parents should agree on it
The court order says that The mom needs to make sure that our daughter is spending the exact time specified.
My ex is now taking 2 sets of 2 weeks' holidays without arranging it with me. She literally imposes it.
I applied for enforcing the court order. Frist hearing will be on the 3rd of August.Β
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I want to have a more precise court order. I want to explain that I look to protect our daughter's time with her dad.
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The time she has with both parents is very important for her.Β
So I would like to have:
- Every Monday and Tuesday night each week (compare to every Monday only)
- Keeping every other Weekend from Friday to Wednesday. (compare to Friday to Tuesday morning)
- Half of each holiday, including half terms.
- As summer is 6 weeks, I'm thinking of asking for 1 week each followed by 2 weeks each, then our daughter doesn't stay 3 weeks without seeing the other parent and it allows each of us to go on Holiday.
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I also had trouble with school, some shows and activities involving parents are limited to 2 tickets per child and my ex always books 2 tickets before I do.
I contacted the school about this matter and it seems like I should have our daughter registered at my address as well as her mom's adress.
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For the additional nights each week, I take my daughter to swimming lessons and music lessons (that I pay for), the thing is that she has Swimming lessons every Monday night. But music lessons every other Friday as her mom refuses to take her there. But I still pay for a full month of lessons.
If I have the Tuesday night every week as well, she can have music lessons every week.
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CMS has been involved in the child maintenance payment.
Before Covid I was paying double because I wanted to, CMS wasn't involved at that time of course!
when covid and lockdown hits, I lost a lot of work, I'm self-employed.
I talked to my ex and told her that I couldn't pay double anymore, so I paid what was on the Gov website. the last few months of lockdown, I wasn't paying on time. I was paying each month but I wasn't paying on the first of each month. She then called CMS.
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But, I pay for half (even a bit more) of the school uniforms, school trips, and art classes after school. All the clothes in my house, toys, everything is provided by me.
I pay for Swimming lessons, Music lessons,...Β
My daughter has dual citizenship, I paid for both passports.
And I pay child maintenance, and never missed a month.
I don't want a 50/50 for saving the child maintenance money. I will have to pay for a lot of stuff anyway and in the evenings she passes with me I will pay for the after-school club myself so my ex doesn't have to. She still has her very well-paid job, child benefit, and child tax credit.Β
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Just to say that I don't do that for money, I do it to secure the time of our daughter with each parent.Β
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What chance do you think I have?
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Thanks guys
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Hi,
For the summer, can you check wording of order. If your getting your 2 weeks, then possibly she is not breaching order by having other 4 weeks. I would recommend you seek all holidays to be shared equally, and ask for alternate weekends to apply both during school term and holidays. Asking to spend more time with child sounds reasonable. Hope it works out well for you.
Hello
Enforcement hearing: You will be able to request the court to enforce your existing order. However you can also ask for minor changes e.g
-Specific the wastes that you will have the child during summer or over Christmas.
-Request that handovers take place at nursery to ensure contact.
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50/50
If your ex resume to give you or nights with your daughter then must attempt mediation. If it fails you have to apply for a court order which could take 7-12 months to resolve but also introduce more acrimony between you and your ex.
The court wonβt care that your ex doesnβt take your daughter to lessons. Her time with your daughter is her time and it also works the other way around. Therefore you must either only take your daughter on the days when you have her or accept that she will only attend lessons every other week.Β
Worth bearing in mind is that when your daughter starts school, you shall ideally be in a position to do school run. Therefore I would focus on planning for it rather than entering into new legal proceedings with your ex.
50/50 is only worth fighting tooth and nail for if your job is flexible enough to allow school runs and childcare during half term and summer holidays.Β
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@bill337 thank you! I'm sure it will be fine but I have to be very careful because she is a narcissist and a very good liar.Β
The first time we went to court, after months of talks and I have proofs by text that I offered the arrangement we having now and she refuses, actually she refuses everything, when we arrived in front of the magistrates she plays tge card of cooperation and that she couldn't understand why we were there.Β
I manage to protect our daughter time with me and the court order is clear and says that "the mother needs to make sur that the child spend the amounts of time with the father according what is stipulates on the order."
It should be fine! I hope it will be the last time because I prefer to put my energy and money into my daughter and my own life.Β
@mrstrange thank you for your reply!
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My daughter is already at school. She is now in year 2. The actual yime split is nearly 50/50. It is now probably 47/53.Β
For enforcing the court order, obviouslyΒ we don't have to go to mediation this time.Β
However she doesn't know that I will bring the 50/50 idea.Β
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My sollicitor told me not to ask directly for 50/50 but justified why equal holidays and why having an extra dayΒ Β
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Also, I want to have my daughter registered at our 2 addresses.Β
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For the holidays, I just want to have the time secured by offeringΒ sharing tge holidays equally to avoid any disturbance or misunderstanding again.Β
For the adress, I will explain that it will ensure that we both have to consult each other for big decision regarding our daughter's life.Β
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And for the extra day a week, I try to find what to say to convince a magistrate or a judge.Β
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I insist, I don't try to find excuses bit I know that a 50/50 would be perfect for my daughter. She requested it herself.Β
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But saying that to a judge or magistrate will not convince them.Β
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@mrstrange sorry I forgot to say that I have already planned my work around it. It will not be easy and restless but it us totally worth it!
Your request is reasonable. It's common to split holidays 50/50.
Put the request into an email for your ex. Keep it simple and include a short explanation why.
There is a possibility that your ex will reject your proposal. It's her right to do so but don't be dragged into heated debates π
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