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Hi,
I dont know where to start here and to where to put this in the forum but I hope someone can help.
Ill start from the beginning and its a long story so please read and help.
I married my wife in 2008 and had a child in 2009. He was 15 weeks premature and we both went through a lot. I found out my wife was having an affair in Nov 2011 with a friend. I tried to help us work through it with councellors for us both. She told me it was about how she couldnt bond with our son. That hurt me a lot. We had help from members of her family who spoke to us to try and work through it. She tried to take an overdose and thats when I realised it was hurting us both.
She sought help from medical professionals and went on anti depressants and family again also tried to help.
We eventually split in april 2011 and me and my son both left the family home. I went back to my family area with him and moved into my dads for a temp period till i got a flat. She said she needed to focus on her and my son and couldnt do that with me around. I soon found out she was still having the affair.
We try to talk but we always argue. I spoke to her about my son Charlie as my focus was on him and his diagnosed delay in development. I asked about Nursery as id contacted a nursery about helping him when we were living together. They couldnt guarentee a place for him so I told her i would seek to find him a nursery with me as i have him from wed morning to sunday morning. I found one and asked her to come and look at it with me and she said no. I went ahead and sorted out an ELT grant for him to go into nursery to help him with his delay. (To point out she is in birmingham and im in sandwell at this point).
I asked her to come on his first day to the nursery and again she said no. She had little involvement in that area as she was concentrating on her new life with this other man in my opinion. We agreed the parenting plan and days to both see charlie.
Im now stuck as she wants charlie with her for school when ive done all the hard work. He needs to be registered by sept. Ive tried talking to her and she still wont see that the nursery and support workers both agree he needs to stay here within sandwell in order to continue his development. They both say he is doing really well which i am so happy about but again se only sees it as me wanting everything my way. This, hand on heart, is not the case.
I feel so alone even though my family try to support me. I am in personal distress and anxiety as to what my chances of 1. keeping him and 2. getting what is best for my son. Im in a gutter of emotion i cant get out of and I admit I need help.
There is a lot more to this story which If i had a couple of days would fill this site but please please please someone tell me what to do. Has anyone been in my situation and can advise?????
Money is tight. I have all child benefit and tax credits for having him more in the week than she does which we agreed on.
Please help me.
I think we need to take this a bit at a time, and I'll move this to the legal section.
It sounds at the moment as though your son is resident with you for most of the time - I would say that your ex is never going to agree to what you want and if the boundaries become a bit blurred as time goes on, then it could be harder for you in the long run. My initial thoughts at this point are that you should consider going for residency in order to maintain the situation as it is, but at the same time, draw up contact more or less along the lines that is happening at the moment, assuming it's going reasonably well.
I'd read yoji's "guide to representing yourself" at the top of the legal section as a starting point.
Can I go for residency now?
I don't get how court works but if that is the best start that you recommend then I will try that. Is there a link for forms and stuff?
Hi There,
You can down load the forms on line and you can actually fill them in on line too, This is a big help if doing this for the first time as if you make any mistakes you can amend them.
Darren
I have booked an appointment with a mediator for march 19th as a starting point. I hope it goes well.
The last few days Ive been off work because Im sick with worry about the whole situation and the possability that I will loose my son. If I go the doctors I know what they will say because Im not sleeping well and having nightmares. They will tell me its stress but I dont want to be off with that because I dont want any weakness to show but in truth im really depressed about this. Would this affect my suitability as his main carer in mediation or court.
Im seeking help from employment support for counselling because mentally i need to talk to someone. I did this when I found out my wife was having an affair and i did help a little but i felt like it was all me talking and no real answers or ideas to help cope. I hope it helps more this time but I feel it has got to the point where i feel i could crack at any moment.
Are there any tips or links on here for coping with stress?
I think the first thing you need to do is to get back to sleeping properly.
Have you tried vigorous exercise - as well as giving you something else to occupy your mind, and possibly vent your frustrations (which are quite understandable), it will start you on the path of looking after yourself, which you need to do to then be able to concentrate on the important matters. It will also help you to sleep a lot better.
Hi Everyone,
Firstly Id like to say thankyou to everyone who posted on my problems. It has helped. 🙂
Since my last post a few things have happened.
I decided I needed to go for mediation so I called and arranged for a mediation appointment and I was willing to only discuss my son and his welfare.
She has now declined the appointment and I wanted to know what position that puts me in? Is it positive for my case or is it just another step for her to be completley uncooperative?
Something else I wanted to add was that I am now seeing a councellor and my first appointment is Thursday. Big step admitting that its really starting to affect me. Ive also read as much as my head will let me regarding proceedures and policies and court proceedures so even though im not a genious I have more of an understanding now and feel comfortable presenting my case. (Even though it still makes me sick with worry).
Thanks
excellent news on seeing a counsellor - it could be a slow process, but I think you'll find it a great help.
Regarding mediation - your ex's refusal to attend will not show her in a good light in court. It may not help massively in court, but it certainly sets the tone of who is prepared to cooperate and who isn't. I haven't self-represented, but plenty on here have done, so ask any questions you have and you'll get a lot of support - it would be wrong if you didn't feel nervous, but once you start, you'll be fine, as long as you have prepared for every eventuality you can think of and are organised before you get to court.
Thanks actd
Im about to request a Statement of education assessment for Charlie which does take a while to happen and for the report to come through but I think in Charlies best interests its a must.
Im also contemplating contacting Parent Partnership to see if they can help. My father is a head of a learning disabilities school so has a good knowledge of the system and he thinks a statement of education is what we need to show the court of what help we are giving Charlie and the lengths we are willing to go.
Self repping is what i think im going to have to do but I also work with a colleague who is currently doing her degree in family law and she has suggested that I contact the Birmingham College of Law as they offer free legal / solicitor advice from students who are overseen in the meetings by qualified solicitors.
Its all sounding good at the moment and with his mom not willing to go for mediation to discuss Charlies best interests its made me feel sad that his mom obviously is working in her best interests but also that it shows I am working on behalf of Charlie and I have shown willing to sort matters out before court.
If anyone has any further advice for me that would be great. Even though Im still convinced she will try and throw everything at me in court I now feel I have a strong case for Charlie and for his future.
Thanks again.
As long as you don't have a solicitor, we can call upon the Coram Children's Legal Centre for free legal advice also.
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