[Solved] Despondent

Hi

Personally, if you can afford a barrister, I would say look for a better one if you feel they haven't represented you as per your instructions. You are, after all, paying them to carry out your instructions. Or, if you want to go it alone, look around for a lawyer qualified McKenzie Friend to attend court with you so that you have some support at least.

I don't see that you would lose midweek contact if this has been agreed during the proceedings.

If a hearing is listed for January, and you've just attended one, I doubt you would have much luck getting extra time over Christmas. Your legal reps should really have dealt with this at the hearing this week.

Your proposals going forward sound reasonable but nobody can predict what an individual judge will decide if agreement cannot be reached.

Thank you Yoda.

The reason why i am leaning towards not using a barrister again i because I believe my sincerity is being lost by having someone speak on my behalf. I was thinking it maybe favoured by the judge if i attend and speak by myself from the heart. I've used a barrister on four occasions now every time i keep walking away thinking there are some obvious things they could have said but didn't.

I now how manipulative and convincing my ex is and i am sure she just keeps saying that "she wants to employ the use of professions to open channels of communication" to make herself look good. But i'm also aware that she has gotten away with what she has put me, my son and my family through and that i will inevitably have to communicate with her at some point and forget about the past.

With the non molestation order in place i do not know how to communicate other than by using mediation. But i am wondering if it is too soon to try this and i know she will be grinning from ear to ear because she will know i am desperate and effectively begging her once again.

I found representing myself to be the best way to inject humanity into the courtroom.

The other sides solicitor and various barristers have had very little success.

Perhaps my case is different, I don't know. I did have a solicitor for the first hearing but felt the same as you - he didn't say enough or the right things. I too have a lying and manipulative ex.

One thing I do notice from your posts is the anger you have toward the woman - quite natural and I certainly understand it.

Thing is, once you drop that and realise you can;t do anything about how she is, the emotions stop getting in your way and you can focus on your case. Please trust me on this - sounds odd I know but I've been there.

Justdad has offered you sound advice there and one of the reasons it's sometimes not helpful for you to speak for yourself. You don't want to convey how angry you are at the mother to the judge, all of their decisions have to be child focused and they have little patience when there's anger towards the other party involved.

Thank you Justdad and Yoda. I do value your comments and i will not hide that i am angry about how i have been treated and suffered. The multiple calls to the police, the rape allegations, the beatings etc over the years have taken it's toll. I tried desperately for 3 years to keep my family together and placate my ex.

The anger is still there and always will be. The last few days since the last court hearing has just left me with the feeling that people can be evil and get away with it. Having said that I've never been one to to let hate have any part in my life and yesterday i reached a a point where all i want to do is move forwards and concentrate on my son and being part of his life as much as possible.

I'm still considering whether to use a barrister or not but i have plenty of time to decide, But, for sure, there is no way i will be doing anything foolhardy come January in terms of me conveying any anger or ill feelings to the mother. As far as i am concerned the more i let it effect me the more she will thrive knowing what she has got away with.

I've decided to drop the non molestation order and hope that she will give her word and not be abusive to me or my family in the future.

I'm also going to contact mediation come the new year, even though early this year, she refused to attend. At least i will have some peace of mind knowing as always I'm making the first move. I'm hoping the judge will see me for what i am and that is someone who always has been and will be amicable.

I'm just trying to think what else i can do to be pro-active.

One thing that I am worried about is the caution for malicious communication she received. I don't believe it has ended there as the met police disclosure indicated there are still two incidents under investigation that can't be disclosed as of yet. 100% they are nothing to do with me. My solicitor has said because of the threats to kill, kidnap and the racism used in her text messages that the CPS may still decide to prosecute her. Is there anything i can do to stop this? This will 100% not bode well for me in future if this does happen.

I don't understand why any judge would not understand why someone is angry when they've been ill-treated in such a way for years. In my particular case, my children and myself have been denied contact from each other with no justification. We are human beings - we have emotions. It is natural for us to be upset when someone withholds that which is most precious to us, our children.
If it can be proven that someone has made false allegations and that the children and other parent has suffered because of those lies, or even that children are denied father's in their lives without just cause, a judge should surely look at the facts and understand that such feelings are justified.
I think almost every member on this forum who has been on the receiving end of denial of contact and the unjust and biased framework in place that deals with families (the situation with social housing, benefits, courts, etc), is in some way seriously emotionally affected. It's natural to be sad, confused, and yes, even angry.

I totally understand that there are possibly many fathers out there with a history of violence or that it's possible they're hiding a true nature that could be violent. I'm under no illusions that many women have suffered because of these men. But that doesn't make everyone a crazy homicidal fruitcake. The fact that they're trying their hardest to be a part of their children's lives instead of just giving up, that they're attempting to achieve this by going through the courts and dealing with an extremely complicated and expensive route - they're attempting a legal resolution to their issues, not an illegal one, surely shows that they are caring fathers, despite their emotions?

I personally believe that when a relationship breaks down the children shouldn't suffer in any way and that fair and equal access to children, where possible, should be the norm. Any father (or mother for that matter) who instigates legal proceedings is doing so because they feel they, or their children, are receiving an unfair end of the stick, namely the short end.

Rather than treat someone who is upset in such circumstances with more of what is upsetting them in the first place, wouldn't it be both just and practical to alleviate their distress and allow better access? To distribute justice as it should be. Even if it means mothers get away with their lies and are not punished by law, at least to do the decent thing would be more honourable. I personally wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I was responsible for keeping children from their fathers just because they have human emotions.

If the situation were reversed, if the legal system was biased towards men, if women were on the receiving end of denial of contact or parental alienation, if men were in receipt of social housing and benefits and women were not, I would perfectly understand if a mother was upset or even angry.

Even judges get angry - there are many other examples if you google it. Heck, they're human after all! see...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5B_65NWx7Y -

Am I wrong? I think there is an elephant in the room and I am not ashamed to point it out. There it is!

Comments anyone?

I'd bin your solicitor for sure and wouldn't bother getting another one either, I wouldn't bother with trying to discredit the ex anymore just solely concentrate on your child and nothing else it doesn't seem to wash with the system if you keep providing evidence of your ex's wrong doings absolutely everyone see's it as a way of the dad to be controlling.

I know it sounds mad but at the end of the day you simply HAVE to build a co-parenting relationship with the ex for the sake of your child it does come across as you are still bitter with the ex, I'd flip the coin take what ever she throws at you take it on the chin and try and work with her and show the court that too.

I had everything including the kitchen sink threw at me by my ex and just ignored it and concentrated on the child although I know that's difficult with a non mol.

At the end of the day the judge could not care less what she's done to you or you have done to her they are only interested in the child alone, from now on I wouldn't even mention your ex at all just your child yes you are angry I was and it took 3 years for it to subside after A LOT of hard work and soul searching , you wouldn't think anything had happened between me and my ex now it's crazy.

PS I think I know what other site you mean I found it to be very harsh, soulless, judgmental and a tad strange , you're best off here we're a right friendly bunch who say it as it is 🙂

thanks for the advice and kind words guys! i appreciate it!

Just trying to stay positive and look ahead.

So yesterday i was meant to pick up my son from nursery at 3.30 pm. I was up at 8 am making his food and planning his activities etc. I received a text from the sister in law at 2.40 pm as i was on my way to the nursery informing me that the little one is unwell and wont be able to see me. As you can imagine i was totally gutted.

I phoned the nursery to check and they told me they were informed at 9 am that my son was unwell and that he didn't attend nursery.

I spoke with my solicitor for advice who said i am at her mercy in these situations, to give her the benefit of the doubt, and that i should ask for the contact to me moved to Friday to make up for the time and to ask her why i wasn't informed as soon as the nursery was (i had to arrange to work from home and leave early). I did all this by text to the sis in law.

Later i received a reply from the sis in law but from my ex (she signed the text to indicate it was her replying). Her response was that she fully intended the contact to still take place but that our sons condition deteriorated at 2.30 pm hence i was notified at 2.40 pm. That she will keep my request about Friday in mind and that she will let me know if he is better.

This may all sound like a storm in a tea cup to you but i know her and i know exactly what she is doing and that is being manipulative. To me, there is no reason that i could not have been informed my son wasn't well and not attending nursery much earlier in the day to manage my expectations.

I want to stop being a walk over and setting a precedent where she can continue to take the pi$$.

Tomorrow i am sure he will attend nursery and that i wont be informed if he is better or if i am allowed to see him. So this is what i am intending to do..

Once i have confirmation my son has been to nursery, tomorrow, i will ask my solicitor to send the other side a firm letter stating that...

When children attend nursery they of course will pick up illness more from more contact with other kids. That i have been involved in all care for my son and am perfectly fit and able to care for him if he is unwell and that contact still should proceed. In the event this is declined that contact be moved to the nearest opportunity in addition to my usual contact days so that my son and I can continue to build on the platform we have and form a loving relationship like we once had. That i would like the ex's co-operation in this matter but if it is not forthcoming that i will be applying to courts to vary the contact order and put her at notice to costs.

Please let me know your thoughts or advice.

Hello nilbo,

Just to confirm your request is reasonable.

I know of a case where the mother used the excuse of denying contact to the father because the child was unwell. The judge addressed her directly and very firmly stated "he is to go to his father's even if he is unwell." Obviously if the child is really poorly that wouldn't be possible and to make sure it wasn't a ruse on the mother's part to deny contact, the child's medical notes can be requested.