[Solved] desparate

I'd check the mediation website for more information on that www.nfm.org.uk

Contact shouldn't make any difference at all to benefits - if the children live with her, she gets child benefit in full. If you have overnight contact for more than 52 nights per year, then that would affect the maintenance that the CMS calculate, but there's nothing to stop you from bypassing the CMS and making a family based arrangement.

Its not about the money. She dosnt want money from me. She just wants all the gov will give her. Its more of knowing how long everything take That I am after. she only says no because of them and I say I don't care about them I just want to see my son. its awful getting told you cant see him coz shell lose money. even said no one needs no. shes just out to hurt me

...it depends Colin....if mediation is working well then two or three sessions might do it, but it depends on how busy the mediator is as to how long it would take to complete. Do you have a date for your first session? How long did you have to wait for this appointment?

I would imagine she means it will effect her maintenance, but that's only if you declare it to them. Deductions are made when a child stays overnight with the paying parent but the only way the CSA can find out is if you tell them and from what you say you don't intend to do that....I do feel its wrong that you are being held to ransom like this though, hopefully you can get it sorted out in mediation without the need for a solicitor.

I booked it today and get assessment at beginning june. She refused that at first until I got a solicitor involved. Now because I had no choice but to involve third parties. She is punishing me. I just want them to show what is right. I know I am going to be bias but she is truly thinking about herself. I am trying to compromise but all I can think is everyone telling me. She will win because she is the woman. Is this still the case even in present day. But I got to show my boy when he is older I tried.

...it's very common for the mother to react like this when their control is challenged. The fact that she had refused but then agreed is a positive sign...she might be behaving badly but she is complying and hopefully this will continue.

Lets hope once she realises that you won't back down or be intimidated by her threats she will accept that you are his dad and you both have the right to see each other.

It's not a matter of winning. Your son has the right to have both parents Involved in his life, the courts recognise this and as long as no risks are found they will agree to contact...that's if it gets to court, as I said, once mediation starts she may accept the situation and agree to move forward.

That makes me feel better. But it feels like she is using him as a weapon. I hope it doesnt go to court. If we do agree and get it in writting. Does it mean anything in court if one of us goes against it? She keeps telling me that mediaiton and anything agreed and written mean nothing in court. How true is this? I want both of us invilved in his life. there is no danger from either side. She is a good mother and think I am a good dad. We both want what is right for him. Just have different thougts on how to get this.

If you read through the posts here you will quickly see that this is a common theme, it's wrong to use the child to get what they want but it happens sadly.

Unfortunately whatever is decided in mediation is confidential and can't be spoken of in court, unless both parties agree. She is also correct that whatever agreement is made isn't legally binding, unless you get it written into a consent order, which is done through the court. You could have a chat with your solicitor about making any agreement legally binding.

I understand now. But if the mediator come up with a plan that we both agree, If I get my solicitor to draw up an agreement and we both sign. Does this not make it legally binding, or would it help in court or can you get something official with out the court? I just dont know what to do. I want to ensure we both bring up my boy but without going to court.

If you come up with a plan that you both agree on then its best to make it legally binding. As I'm not legally trained I'm not sure whether your solicitor can draw up a legal document that you could both sign, so its best to discuss this with your solicitor.

If you have reached agreement then getting it put into a consent order in court is more or less a formality, as agreement has already been reached, again ask your solicitor to talk through your options.

Thats brilliant. thank you. I Just hope to work it out with out the need for court. Money I would rather spend on my lad.

Hi Colin,

It sounds as though you have the right attitude to keep this from going into court, just as Nj has said double check with a solicitor about making any agreement legally binding once agreed.

With regards to the money side I would agree that your ex may be thinking of CSA payments as benefits wouldn't change if you had contact, you can agree to pay outside of the CSA agency which is actually now the CMS and you are better off to agree outside of this service as they will now start to charge an additional 20% from you and (I think 4%) from your ex just for using them. if you agree outside of the agencies Just make sure that the payments are traceable, so make bank transfers for the exact amount you have agreed and have the reference "child support" so it shows on bank statements that it has been paid so it can't be argued about later on.

It's just a case of protecting yourself, and on that note, just another "in case" start to keep a log of any conversations, keep all txt and emails between the 2 of you, that includes what you send her as this could help in the future if things were ever to get nasty, which by the sounds of how you are dealing with it it shouldn't but it's worth doing still as I say "just in case"

GTTS