[Solved] Contact issue

Hi Simon

I think you have handled this very well and responded to your ex in a thoughtful and measured manner.

Unfortunately, given the history of your case I do think you need to be on your guard with her. I don't need to tell you to keep a log of all this but in the short term there isn't much you can do other than what you already are.

Are you in touch with your son's nursery for updates? Perhaps this is something you could speak with them about?

How often is your son scheduled to stay overnight in your home town? I feel it is only natural he could have been a little unsettled upon returning from this first visit as it was new to him. Given his age and inability to articulate himself it's only natural he might act differently to express himself.

Well done on a successful week.

Yoda,

With the distance and also the fact that I have limited annual leave from my job, we have agreed that my son can spend 4 weeks minimum with me at my home. I plan to spread that out during the year until he is of school age. This means a visit every 3 months, which is nicely spaced out.

I think that a little upset for a child of that age would be normal given the situation he is in. But it's key that both parents respond to him with love and reassurance, rather than take action that will simply reinforce his fears and insecurities. I really hope my ex has listened to the reasoned explanation I have provided and gives him time to settle back into his routine rather than taking drastic action.

It's been very nice not having any conflict for a period of time that extends back for over a year now. I hope it stays that way. But to do that, everything needs to managed so carefully. I'm always treading on eggshells when it comes to this aspect of my life.

It's interesting you mention getting updates from the nursery about my son. It was something I had been planning to do before my son came to visit, and certain things I saw whilst he was with me really made me decide to get a letter drafted and sent to his nursery. I came across a template letter for requesting information from schools e.t.c but I didn't like the tone of it, it seemed a bit pushy/demanding. I think I will write one from scratch and ping it across to them.

I don't really get any useful updates from my ex in terms of nursery progress. So it's about time I make contact with them and see if they have any written records they can provide me.

Simon.

Evening guys,

Well, as i feared, 3 days after dropping my son back home to his mum, she has decided that she is going to dictate to me a reduction in contact with my son.

She claims that my son has been extremely distressed since he has returned home and that he has been very clingy towards her. She claims that he has not wanted to go to nursery and that today she had collect him so early because he was so distressed.

I don't understand how this can be possible, as he showed no signs of distress while he was here with me and away from his mum. He was a perfectly happy boy who was laughing and smiling all week. He returns home and is allegedly a different child in total distress.

I kept his routine going here, in as much as he woke up in the morning when he normally does, he had a nap in the afternoon, he went to bed at normal time. He was kept occupied with fun things during the day, was around loving family members and doing fun things. he was fed well too.

He goes home, and now we have all these problems. I can't figure out what this would happen. That is if my ex is telling me the truth......

So anyway, she has now stated that she will not abide by the court order which allows for my son to visit me here for 7 nights. The next visit is over xmas in which I would have him for 7 nights, but she is saying I can only have him for 3 - 4 nights, and then would have to travel back with him to the north east if i want to have more time with him.

She then states that she will decide when he can spend more time down here with me. Her words being that "when he is older" he may be able to send more tie down here with me.

I feel this is a real kick in the teeth, because I haven't put a foot wrong in caring for our son when has been with me. No issues have been raised at all since the final hearing last october when everything was arranged. And now, after having a brilliant week with him, which I know was productive for him, the ex starts all this off.

It seems to me she is overreacting and changing our agreed contact without letting our son settle back into his normal routine.

I very much doubt this will be resolved by mutual discussion between us, and as such she will not allow the contact in the court order. I don't feel she should just be able to dictate the contact and change the court order as she sees fit.

I don't think she understands that a little upset in a situation like this is normal, and that reducing contact going forward in terms of his visits here is only going to make it take longer for our son to adjust to having his visits here with me - again, if my ex's account is to be believed.

She will not begin to obtain letters from the nursery saying how distressed our son is. She will probably take him to the gp and get a letter stating the same. So she will basically start amassing "evidence" to attempt to corroborate her reasons for unilaterally reducing contact

What are my options here? How should I proceed?

I can go along with what she says, and then she will forever dictate to me the duration of his visits here at my home.

I can offer her mediation asap (as we have a mediation clause inserted into the final order) in the hope we could resolve it that way.

If she refuses that offer and says its her way or the highway, then i have one option left which is to take this back to court and seek enforcement of the order.

In the short term, I'm not sure how I should respond back to her, as she has clearly ignored what I said to her yesterday. She clearly believes that the length of the visit to my home has had a negative effect on our son, and that the solution is reducing the length of future visits until she decides otherwise. But like i say, he was displaying no negative signs whilst here with me.........I witnessed no signs of distress while he was in my care.

Cheers.

Simon.

And also - i have just clarified this with her - she has removed the overnight aspect of contact completely now.

Simon.

My view is that I can't see how you can do anything other than go back to court - she's pretty much forced your hand. Because she's breaching the court order, you want to ask the court to spell out quite clearly the penalties for future breaches in the order. I would however, be prepared for your ex to exaggerate further the "distress" so I'd be prepared with suggestions on ways to combat this - but I think your initial analysis to your ex is quite a good one to argue to court.

Its a real shame that it has come to this.

I can accept that a child may show some signs of being unsettled after being away from home for an unusual period of time, being with one parent exclusively and then returning to the other one. Of course the child may be a little unsettled. But one day after having him return home, my ex was talking about changing contact arrangements. It was only today that she unilaterally changed it.

The thing is, I don't have a leg to stand on in terms of the overnight contact for this visit this weekend. The reason is because in the court order we agreed every other visit was to include overnight contact. Because it went to sell to start with, my ex agreed to allow every visit to include overnight contact. Because saturday's visit is technically the one that wouldn't include overnight contact, I don't have a leg to stand one with arguing with her to keep it in place. She won't be breaking the order. But she will be breaking the status quo - something my son is used to for months now.

Then we have her saying the overnights will only resume when he is "settled" again. Thus how long is a piece of string? Effectively she is dictating to me the contact that will take place between my son and I.

The real kicker is that is she is also saying that she will only allow the xmas visit here to be 3-4 days in duration rather than the 7 stated in the court order. The order states that my son is to spend xmas day with me. Thats not really going to be possible to do that and have him back after 3 days due to the train travel falling over the xmas period. Train travel on xmas eve for example to collect him, and then take him back on the 28th which is also a bank holiday, will be a total nightmare. The original agreement was to pick up on the 22nd and return on the 29th, which was much more do-able.

Of course she is then saying that he needs to be older before he can have the weekly visits with me at full duration of 7 days. Again how long is a piece of string??

The court order does say that we should take things at the child's pace, which is understandable. But that piece of common sense effectively allows her to amend the court order as she sees fit under the guise that our son is distressed.

I really do feel that I have no other option but to return to court.

We have a mediation clause in the court order. If I ask her in writing to attend mediation and she refused the invite, would that be enough to satisfy the court that she is not willing to attempt to resolved matters between ourselves. She has told me today that her decision is final and that is the end of the matter as afar as she is concerned. Surely thats enough to show the court she does not want to have a reasoned discussion and that it is her way or the highway.

That then leads me to the procedure for enforcing the order. I can demonstrate to the court that the status quo exists where my son stays overnight with me every time I visit. She is withdrawing that contact for no good reason that will benefit our son.

In addition she has put it in writing to me via whatsapp her intention to limit the duration of the contact for the xmas visit, and also her intention to decide on her own when he can stay with me for the duration set out in the order. Is that written evidence enough to justify enforcing the court order?

It doesn't seem practical to wait until the xmas period and have a stand off with her at her door over when i will be returning our son home. If i say see you on the 29th of december, she will not hand over our son to me, thus will at that moment technically be breaching the order. Of course i don't want to have that situation arise, and want to nip it in the bud well before then. So could I apply for enforcement now on the basis that she intends to deny our son the contact set out in the court order? She has stated that the visit will not be for the duration set out in the order.

I think if it is possible to apply for enforcement now, I would seek to vary the court order also to include overnight contact at every visit too, as otherwise it leaves the door open for her to disrupt a settled pattern of contact as and when she has the opportunity.

This is a very frustrating turn of events. My son has only been home 3 days, and she is already altering contact arrangements for visits that will take place months in the future. Seems very rash to me indeed.

Simon.

Your next overnight is in 3 month right? So she's technically not stopped it. Just go with the normal court ordered sessions and wait until xmas for a real breach..she could have a change of mind before then.

Psychologically, if you show a reaction to every threat then she will forever be putting you on edge. I would limit conversations about how many days/nights in xmas simply because it is court ordered already (please don't feed the troll).

Good luck!

Halfoyster,

The next overnight contact would be saturday, and she has stopped that insisting I take my son home after I see him this Saturday and then then pick him up again in the morning. The following overnight contact at the next visit in 2 weeks is not guaranteed because she has said if my son is not "settled" I can't have him overnight.

The next visit to my home is at xmas. Which she insists will be for half the duration that the court ordered it for. She is adamant from what she has said that she is reducing the length of his visits here until she sees fit.

In theory I can wait for a breach from her at xmas time. This would involve me going to pick my son up from her home and refusing to hand him over to me because I tell her I will bring him back in 7 days. She will say bring him back in 3 days or you cannot take him with you. I wanted to avoid that confrontation, because I have to travel 250 miles to pick him. It's a long way to go to trigger a breach of the order.

I know her. She is serious and she will not let me have my son for 7 nights as agreed at xmas 🙁

If I leave things until then, xmas will be ruined.

Also, she has stated her new terms to me in writing. So its there in black and white.

Have you got any photos of his overnight visit at your home? These will lend credence to your argument that he was perfectly happy with you and showed no sign of stress. If he is as distressed as she claims (and its a big IF in my opinion) it may be that she is transferring that to him.

I would also write and ask the nursery how he is and if there are any instances where her had to be picked up early because of being upset. It's an evidence gathering excercise now. She will be in breach and you should write to her formally and remind her of that in no uncertain terms. You do not need to attend mediation if you are applying for enforcement, you can go straight to court, I would also let her know that too.

Best of luck

NJ,

I have dozens and dozens of photos of him laughing and smiling and having fun whilst in my home and out in the local community.

In your opinion how do you think I should proceed? Should I write to her and then give her say 7 days to reply, confirming her intentions as to following the overnight fortnightly contact and also the xmas visit for 7 days?

Should I then, depending on her response i.e if she states she will not allow the contact and thus wilfully breach the order, press ahead and go ahead with an enforcement application immediately?

Or would I 100% need to wait until she physically prevents my son from coming to my home for the allotted time for the xmas period?

Thanks.

Simon

I wouldn't say much to her about the xmas bit - just pick him up and keep him for the 7 days, what have you got to lose?

Her argument defiles logic, kids are more likely to be distressed when away from the RP and not the other way round.

Photos are subjective. You cannot enforce assumptions.