Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
I have two children, C is 12 and M is 10.
They live in Cardiff with their mother, step dad and baby brother.
I live in Shropshire with my wife, and two children (3years old and 7 months old)
Current contact court order is the children spend the 3rd weekend of every calendar month with me - I collect them from school and then we meet their mum half way between the homes on a sunday evening.
They spend all the half terms with me, and half of the other long holidays (xmas, easter and summer).
This has been in place for 3 years now.
Its important to note that when the children are with their mother, I am unable to contact them, I have a mobile number for her which she switches off when the children are with her. Thus I sometimes go four weeks without speaking to or seeing my children. In the whole 6 years we have been apart she has never once allowed the children to call me.
She has now written to me saying that the children are getting older, and have their own feelings and opinions about how the contact should work and that they want to spend more time with friends and not in Shropshire. I fully understand that this may be the case, and that the court order was made when they were younger.
The children's mother proposes the following "going forward in my view is that we have a far more flexible approach to arrangements that is based on the children making their decisions and being able to contact you and say they do not wish to come up, and not being made to feel guilty about that'.
She says if I don't agree to this she wants to go back to court for mediation and a new order to be drawn up.
I don't feel that the children are actually old enough to solely make their own decisions, plus I feel that other peoples feelings and wishes also need to be taken into account. I want regular contact with the children and for them to spend time with their siblings and our extended family in Shropshire. I want to know when I will see them next, not for it to just be up in the air, and down to whether they phone me.
From a practical point of view, I care for my two young children in Shropshire, so I can not just drop everything and be at her/my other two children's beck and call. It is a 3 hour round trip. Plus how can we plan any family holidays, days out or time with family if I don't know when I will see the children next.
So with much thought, and not wanting to ignore my children's wishes for more time with friends at their mothers. I am proposing that we don't go back to court but that we try the following - that I still have the children for the 3rd weekend of every month (as per the current court order) and this remains consistent and is not for negotiation, but that they spend all school holidays with their mother , unless they verbally ask me or telephone and say they want to do otherwise.
I want to have some kind of patterned, consistent contact with the children, so I know when I will definitely see them next and so do they. I can plan my time with them.I don't think its unfair for me to want to have 2 nights (1 weekend a month) consistently with my children.
SO
1) do you think her proposals is fair, and if it went to the courts, would they think it is fair?
2) do you think my proposal is fair? Is it fair to the children?
3) If it goes to court is it likely that I won't be given consistent monthly contact with the children i.e loose the 3rd weekend?
Hi There,
.
I think that what you are proposing is very fair, you play a part in ther lives and although yes they are growing up, they are still at an age that although they have views those views can be quite imature.
.
I think if you were to return to court, you could espect to keep your 3 rd weekend of the month, but I would also ask for 2 weeks in the summer holidays so that you are able to plan trips or holidays with them, again have this set, so maybe the first 2 weeks.
.
If you were to return to court, you would have to first attend mediation, so what I would suggest is that you try this first if your not able to gain an agreement with your ex that suits everyone.
.
GTTS
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.