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Hi,
My ex left me at the end of last Dec and took my 3 year old son with her.
We've been split up ever since. She was really controlling and has continued to be so with our son.
I do have contact with him but she's becoming more and more controlling. The other month she refused me to pick up my son on my agreed day for a weekend we had planned away and a trip to the zoo.
She did this because of the way I spoke to her on the phone she said as punishment. She was constantly changing our pick up time and saying 'I'm not setting an alarm and he can wake up naturally.' Obviously I couldn't plan around that and she was just doing it to be difficult.
I did have an argument with her on the phone the Friday nefore the Saturday morning I was meant to pick him up. She then said as punishment I wasn't having him at all. I explained this is out of order and using him as a weapon is disgusting.
I the text again later Fri to ask if I can pick him up and she said no.
Since then she's gone worse. I've tried to talk to her and have even drafted a schedule of my days and an agreement. I know my shifts 12 month in advance as I am a police officer.
I just wanted something in writing.
The agreement covered major decisions and me having a say, holidays - so once agreed in writing this can't be changed. I know if I ever booked anything she's be awkward and potentially upset me, my son and lose me money.
Another thing was Xmas. I proposed a annual schedule which was:
Parent 1 looks after son Xmas Eve until 5pm Xmas Day and then parent 2 collects and has Xmas day from 5pm until 5pm Boxing Day.
The next year this would then switch.
I was happy for her to initiate this.
All the agreement was flexible providing we both agree and have this in writing. I've already had to be flexible due to a change of shift by my ex. I am open to this flexibility but just wanted something to protect us all and my son.
She has come back and agreed to it all apart from Xmas.
She is saying that she will have him Xmas Eve and Xmas Day forever and I can only have a 'few hours' with him.
Her rationale for this is that is what she did with her dad (who wasn't actually her real dad). Along with this he had also left her mum and didn't even live with her. She then said he should open his presents at home where Santa delivers them and that's it.
She said this is what she did and she can assure me all she wanted to do was come home and play with her toys. I've explained this is irrelevant and there could have been all sorts of reasons behind this and the fact he wasn't her biological dad and our circumstances are totally different.
I also stated you could argue Santa has delivered his presents to home for the last three years (my house). I said my address is just as much home as her address.
Her other argument was we'd spent the last three xmases with my family. I explained this is irrelevant as we were together then and also this was driven by her as she said she didn't want to spend time with her mum and grandma as they are miserable and sit in Seperate rooms.
She's been brought up in a broken home and her mum has lived with her grandma for years. They are also very bitter against men.
All I want is for myself and my family to achieve a fair way of spending as much time as possible with my son that is fair on all of us.
Any bit of power she has she abuses and I think deep down she's very insecure and the environment she's been brought in doesn't help.
Her mum doesn't see that morally refusing me access that weekend was wrong and drives a lot of the difficult situations.
I've said we may have to consider mediation but she is now refusing
I wanted to keep things civil and come to an agreement but the thought of never spending Xmas with my son hurts. Potentially this could be detrimental to his relationship with me and my family. God know what's she's telling him.
She keeps banging on about she can do what she wants as resident parent. This isn't official and it's just fell this way and I was oping we could be fair and civil but know she's showing her true colours.
Does anyone have any advice or has been through similar?
Thanks
Unfortunately, without a court order she can do more or less what she likes, so any written agreeement isn't worth the paper it written on frankly, although it might be useful to show what she had agreed to if it gets to court.
If you are unable to reach agreement, or arrangements are always being broken, your first step is mediation, this is a requirement before a court application can be made. It sounds to me that any agreement you make is likely to be broken anyway and the sticking point will be Xmas and holidays. Generally speaking courts favour shared alternating christmas and birthdays and a share of school holidays....pre school it's not unusual to ask for a week or two in the summer to take a family holiday.
Best of luck
I'll delete your other thread, duplicate poss can get confusing if answers are being posted on both. 🙂
Yeah sorry I posted it in the wrong bit.
She's refused mediation today. Then later in the day has come back and said she can't afford it and then said her Xmas arrangement will happen for this year and I can only have access for a few hours. she will then attend mediation next year she says.
I know she's playing games and for me it's about more than just money. She knows she won't necessarily from her own way and prob knows what she is doing is wrong deep down.
It's always on her terms.
I've gone back and said well it should be 50/50 this year then and we can go to mediation after Xmas to see how it works going forward.
Again I've said how would you feel if you only had a few hours at Xmas?
End of the day she left me and was says I didn't chase her. To be honest I was glad to be out of such a controlling relationship.
She also stopped my access to my son and a weekend away as punishment. I have all this in writing too.
I've said she can refuse mediation and whatever her reason is that's up to her, but it's a order of the court to do it and it will further back up my case.
If you're not happy to leave things until after Christmas then I would get the ball rolling with Mediation. If she is on any benefits or a low income, she may be entitled to legal aid funding for mediation.
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