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Hi All,
I have had a regular routine with my son for 2 years now. During that time I have been often let down by his mother not sticking to the agreed routines and received threats that she'll stop my contact. Recently she's been getting very controlling, it feels like she's trying to make a point to me that she's in charge. The weekend before xmas I was stopped seeing him on the day agreed, on xmas day I was stopped having him for xmas dinner as per our xmas arrangements, and both times she claims nothing had been agreed between us (complete lies) and it was tuff luck. She's also refused to discuss the holiday arrangements (I have always had my son more during holidays because im off work).
Anyway, when when I did finally have him, he was very poorly, I kept her up to date on how he was, and she replied ''i'll see him 9am Monday''. I questioned why so early as he wasn't in school and explained his sleeping has been very bad, (one morning he slept until 0930 because he was up with fever most of the night). I also asked again why we still hadn't discussed holiday arrangement's as we were now well into the holidays....Anyway, after no response to my questions, I explained I'll see how he goes in the night, but if he's really bad again I don't want to wake him if he does get back to sleep around 5am like the night before, especially if there's no other reason than to make a point to me. After that she went out of control, she told me she was coming to get him (it was my day with him), she rang the police, she hung around outside my flat with her partner and step dad, and it was completely out of hand. I explained it was my time and that I was not handing him over, then I went to my partners house (she doesn't know where that is) and told her that her behaviour was out of order and that she needs to calm down.
Then on Monday morning when I dropped him off to her, she handed me a letter saying that I will not see my son until a contact order is in place, until then I may use supervised visits or a contact centre. Also that I should not contact her until this has been arranged, claiming I'm causing her anxiety problems. The letter explained that I had assumed I was not bringing him back as per our agreement (I had never once said this, I only questioned the time because he was so ill and it was unfair to wake him up so early if he was up all night with fever or sickness again, bare in mind I live an hour from her, also that I wanted to discuss the holiday arrangement's).
She regularly messes me around, threatens my contact, and yet i'm now in a position now where she's saying that i'm doing all these things, and if I contact her I might cause her anxiety problems!? I have all my SMS messages that show her irrational behaviour, and her failing to stick to routines as well. She does have mental health issues with anxiety and depression. She can be irrational on times and I find it impossible to communicate however nice I try to be. Also with her now blatantly lying about our routines, there seems no way forward.
So my question is, what do you recommend I do? I've read about contact orders and mediation, but what do you recommend? I don't have a lot of spare money, however I won't be entitled to legal aid either.
Im seeing on some sites that mediation must be done first, however her letter states I can't see him without a contact order. I'm concerned about her mental health too, however I don't know how to subtly approach that without rows or causing more problems which could spiral out of control. Its soo frustrating because I feel I've done nothing wrong, yet I've got to get in more debt trying to sort all this out just because she can't be mature and rational and stick to our agreements! Also I have no idea if she will even agree to carry on with our current routine or whether she will try to be as difficult as possible just to play games, or make everything even more in her favour.. The current routine is I have him a long weekend then a short weekend. On the short weekend, I must drop him to her on a Saturday, maybe this could be done through a contact center? However when in school holidays I must do all handovers at her house rather than at school....I have no issues doing either, and i'll always try to get along, but shes being impossible now and making accusations that im bullying her and causing her anxiety problems. I don't see a safe way for me to have handover in person if shes going to make false accusations like these. It couldn't be any further from the truth.
Sorry for the long message, I thought you'd need a bit of the build up to understand where I have got to. I have no idea what the best route is now, so any advise would be appreciated.
My son is 3 by the way.
Hi there, sorry to hear that you're having these difficulties.
Because she has asked you not to contact her etc, for now you should do as she asks.
Attempting mediation is mandatory before the court will accept an application for a Child Arrangement Order. If she refuses to attend, the mediator can sign the C100 form you would need to apply with.
Legal Aid no longer exists for court applications but it does for mediation if you qualify.
https://www.gov.uk/check-legal-aid
Here is a link to National Family Mediation where you can get advice on beginning the process
The fee to apply for a Child Arrangement Order is £215 and you need form C100. If you look up form EX160a you can check if you would qualify for a reduction or exemption in fees.
Many of our members self rep or use McKenzie Friends which is much cheaper and more accessible than a solicitor for the court process. There's a lot of stickies at the top of the Legal Eagle section where you can find lots of info on the process.
Please feel free to ask questions and we will try to help you. Good luck
If mediation doesnt work or she doesnt attend , then you can go to court,
If you end up going to court then on the c100 form if i remember there there is a question which asks whether you have any previous arrangements/agreeements, so if you state what your original agreement was and how this was good for the child and worked well for both of you then unless she has a good enough reason to show otherwise, the court will consider this when making an order.
the c100 form can be downloaded for free from the justice .gov site..you will need to have 4 copies of everything . 1 for court, 1 for yourself, 1 for cafcass (if they get involved) and 1 for the other party. (if you have a solicitor acting then you will need to give them a copy of everything aswell)
a friend of mine had a case, they both had an agreement where by their children stayed a week with each parent as they both lived close by so didnt affect school etc, then suddenly his ex decided that she was going to have the kids 9 days and he 5 days rather than 7 each. when it went to court the end result was 7 days each..because it was working well before and there was no real valid reason to change it.
to save costs you can represent yourself and just pay the £215 for the application but you will need to very well organised to manage case, send emails, make arragememts etc i would advise you keep a log of all texts/emails etc as well as a date list of events .
good luck, hope it works out
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