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Despite a CAO for every other weekend and shared special occasions I'm only seeing my child for very minimal time periods (about an hour a month if I can convince him). My ex opens the door and presents our child crying and stressed so as to not make our CAO enforceable by 'making him available' and states she's told our son he can come to see me but that it's him deciding not to come. This happened as soon as the order was granted, before which he used to jump up and down and run out to greet me. I was going to try to fight her on this but established with solicitors and social services that all it'll do is cause our child further distress and it's hard to prove she's alienating him and I'd likely not get a different result. I knew going in to legal proceedings this would happen at some stage as she's very predictable, but didn't think it would have been immediately after the order was granted. From the way she treated her older child and his father (they now have zero contact and also had the same CAO arrangements I was granted) I am aware that nothing will stop her until I have no contact with my Son, he has already told me to stop coming to get him and that he doesn't want to see me anymore. From recent behaviour it seems my ex is angling to have my contact removed ASAP.
Before my ex fell pregnant my intention was to move overseas when I qualified in my field, I of course remained in the UK when our son was born. I had hoped she would one day stop obstructing me and behaving erratically when she got older so I could manage to establish a relationship with my Son. Realising now I am older and wiser that it will never happen I am wondering where I stand to move overseas with our existing CAO. Can I just contact my ex via letter/e-mail/text and tell her that I've been offered a visa and job and that we need to make an arrangement amongst ourselves to supercede our CAO or am I obliged to go back to magistrates? The only info I can find online is parents moving WITH their children, not without. If I'm not seeing my son at all then can I just notify her I'm moving and will continue to pay my maintenance as agreed amongst ourselves and will regularly write to him? I don't know where to begin and if I am to take this job offer which would provide serious betterment for myself and my partner I don't have another 1-2 years to contend with unreasonable legal battling.
Hi there
That’s very sad, I’m sure underneath he still loves you, I feel so sorry for the child, that he has been alienated in this way...shame on his mother.
As you know, the CAO is for the resident parent to make the child available, there’s no legal requirement that says you have to attend.
It wouldn’t be right just to leave, So you have the choice to try and negotiate with the mother, or apply to the court to have the existing order varied.
Although your son is refusing to see you, that doesn’t have to mean that you can’t leave the door open for him. If court isn’t an option, then you should notify the mother of your plans and ask if indirect contact can be arranged, you can also suggest that if your son is agreeable, you would like to see him during school holidays, and perhaps some face time or Skype on a regular basis.... see what she says. If she ignores you, then court would be the only other way to get the arrangements varied.
All the best
Thank you so much for your sage advice Mojo, it's been invaluable at such a stressful time and you always reply on my threads. Appreciate it a lot.
My ex told the magistrates she refuses to allow communication as she feels it is inappropriate I get in touch with her ever. She said I raise issues with her and it makes her feel personally victimised (that one made the magistrates laugh, her example of me victimising her was me requesting in writing for her to take him to a dentist as she promised his health visitor she would when he teethed as a baby as he has a dental issue but she never bothered). I currently keep a log of visits with anything of note he's said/repeated just in case. I am of the impression she is waiting for me to instruct a variation & will push for me to have no contact if & when I apply for court. Judging on his older sibling she will coach our child to within an inch of his life beforehand to make sure he definitely tells CAFCASS that he doesn't want to see me.
With regards to going overseas, even if she agreed to digital contact she would have no intention for it to take place. For her it would be better still if I booked to come back to the UK and she'd get to say something along the lines of 'I guess he doesn't want to see you! Sorry you flew all that way and spent all that money, what a shame!' which is what she does every time I drive the significant miles to pick him up at present. If ever I have managed to establish telephone contact with her to ask to speak to him she loudly makes sweeping remarks that he doesn't speak to anyone on the telephone and he doesn't 'consent' to speak to me, he's busy playing a game at the moment etc. I used to chat with him on the phone on special days and we never had issue.
For now, I think I will hold off until I've passed my qualification conversion exams and continue to try to see him once a fortnight by arriving at hers to ask if he's up for a visit this time which is what I'm currently doing so he can see I'm still making an effort for him and that my door is still open to him.
Once I know I'm definitely going overseas I will write to her (recorded delivery) with my intentions, my suggestion of contact and see if she will respond in writing. I think no matter what I do - I won't be seeing my child any time soon.
Thanks again for your advice.
I’m really sorry for the situation your child is in, effectively being abused by his own mother.
How old is he ?
Personally I would apply to the court for enforcement and variation. You're likely to get in front of a proper judge, not magistrates.
The court would likely see it as imperative that you have some sort of relationship established prior to moving away so that a new CAO can be put in place for holiday periods etc.
Sorry to say it, but if you move under the current circumstances, you're likely to end up without any relationship at all.
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