[Solved] Can/should a child be forced to spend time with their dad?

Have you tried discussing having more time with him? If you spend more time with him, he may be more responsive to you. I am sure it is difficult for the children, they dont really understand what is happening and dont understand why you are not there all of the time. With regards to the swimming, you should take him yourself, your ex doesnt have to do it, and this could be good bonding time with him too.

Thanks for the reply.

I have asked for time during the week but this has been declined as my ex does not think there is time after school and it would disrupt him too much.

I am happy to take him swimming, but it isn't really practical to do an 1 1/2 hour round trip on a Saturday morning - especially as we have two other boys from my partner's previous relationship to look after.

I'm afraid you're right to be worried about your son being alienated from you, as it seems from what you have said, the mother is doing a pretty good job of promoting (or at the very least 'assisting') this. The fact that she has booked swimming lessons for the time he is usually with you - without consulting you - is telling of her attitude towards you, but I agree with Ferfer that you could suggest you take your son for the swimming lessons, as it does fall within the times he'd expect to be with you.

Some of the things you mention such as the booking of the swimming lessons, and being told your child is reluctant to see you, sound very familiar. My son's mother would usually use the line of 'having to put our son's interests first' which always equated as a reduction in the time that I could see him. She would book lessons coinciding with times he was scheduled to be with me, as well as try to cut into and reduce those scheduled times.

She tried to reduce or cancel the contact phone calls my son and I had on the weekends he was with his mum, while expecting the calls she had for the weekends he was with me to continue. Her reasoning was he was reluctant to speak with me and she didn't think it in his interests to force him to. I actually thought there was some truth in this as he's always been more comfortable communicating face-to-face, and often showed reluctance to speak to his mum on the phone when he was with me - the difference between our approaches was I showed sensitivity towards the mother by not mentioning his reluctance to speak with her, but also had strategies to encourage his calls - he knew he would have a 'treat' after he'd spoken with his mum, or that we would 'pause' whatever activity we were doing at the time, and continue afterwards, but most of all I told him his mum would love to hear about what he'd been up to because she cared about him, just like I did. The message I gave to his mum in the end was to share this strategy, and ask if she could develop a similar one to make my calls with our son as smooth as the ones she had with him.

In the bad old days, she would have simply ignored me. What changed all that was a court order, which I got when my son was 4. His mum no longer has exclusive ownership of his 'best interests', and we are both obligated to uphold the mandated sharing of our son's times with each of us.

Maybe you can try talking to her, trying to take a 'how can we work on this together' approach on this situation, to support your son. From what you've said, it doesn't sound like she's unhappy at the current situation. I totally get the 'telling off' thing. There was no way I was going to let my son get away with naughty things his mum looked the other way on, as I see that as a dereliction of duty, but I always let him know it was his behaviour or actions I was objecting to, and I would always try to ensure I was able to get the message across that I loved him, before he went.

Years on, several people have mentioned he is far more respectful and considerate when with me, than when with his mum, and I believe he has some respect for my approach even though he gets his own way far less with me. I would say stay the course on this despite the obvious temptation to compete for popularity with your boy.

Maybe you could agree for the handovers to happen in a neutral, public space. It might make it easier for you and your son as he would be 'ready', and not distracted by things at his mum's, and he'll already be 'out' and you'll be taking him to his other home.

If you're not able to change anything with your ex, your informal (verbal) arrangement sounds like it will need to be formalised and protected (by a court order). A child as young as yours is still heavily influenced by the adults in his/her life. For a child that young to be stating a reluctance to see one of his parents when there are no safety or care issues, one has to be suspicious of what influences are at play.

Many thanks for that Toks.

There are certainly similarities between our two situations. It is great to hear from someone who has gone through what I am going through.