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Hi, i'm new to this forum and have read previous posts with great interest. Before my rant begins i'd like to say thank you for this forum because it feels like you all seem to understand what i'm going through!
Well to begin...my ex wife and I split up several years ago when my children were 10, 5 and 1. It was a horrible time and I tried to stay in the house even though the relationship with my ex was unbearable but she threw me out. I saw the children for the first year after we broke up but when my ex found out i had begun a new relationship, her behaviour spiralled out of control. The list is endless but 2 things she did that stick in my mind are 1) she assaulted me in my friend's restaurant in front of my mum, shouting abuse at me and 2) she followed me home from work and shunted my car. A passing policecar stopped her at which point she got out of her car and assaulted me again in front of the policeman! When I looked in her car, my youngest was sat in the back! I should have pressed charges but didn't because I thought I could resolve it myself...big mistake!!!! During the following months she came to my place of work with the children and shouted abuse and camped outside my house trying to see who my new partner was. During this time she made contact near enough impossible as I worked shifts and she would only let me see the kids at the weekend which I couldn't always get off. Sometimes she wouldn't let me see the kids at all. After a few weeks of non contact I went to my old house to find it had been sold. I went to the school and was told that I couldn't see my kids! To cut an already long story short I didn't see my children for about 2 years. Her parents had moved and I didn't have the money or strength to go to court. Eventually I found them through an old friend and made contact via letter. No response from her. Then I went to court and seeing her made all the old feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem and even fear, come back. We were offered mediation which was useless but the court did say i had a right to see my kids which she was not happy about. An order was issued for alternate weekends but she made it clear that she didn't want me to see the kids without her being there until she 'trusted me again'. Seeing my kids after so long was both wonderful and terrible because she was there. My youngest didn't know who I was and she introduced me to him by my first name. She had also changed the youngest two's surnames to her maiden name, the eldest refused to change his name! Anyway after a few months of 'supervised' access I was finally allowed to have my kids overnight. For the last 4 years I've had them altenate weekends when work permits and if not during the week. They live 80 miles away from but only a few miles away from my my mum. there were times when she let me see them without and hassles and other times when i would go to collect them and they had other plans which she hadn't informed me of. Everytime she saw me there would be a dig or ten but by and large I saw my children regularly...until 2 weeks ago. I text her the weekends I could have the kids and got no reply which is normal but then I received a text to say that I can't see them anymore and to stay out of their lives. I tried to call her but she put the phone down and when i asked her what i'd done she didn't say anything except to reiterate that i couldn't see them, that they're better off without me, that my pathetic 4 days a month wouldn't missed and that she had to force them to see me anyway! I phoned my eldest who is now 18 and a half and he said he didn't want to get involved. I have a good relationship with him and it just makes me wonder what has been said to them. I couldn't understand why she would suddenly flip out. I phoned the CSA the next day to ask if they contacted her or changed the maintenance amount and they said that they had finally managed to get hold of her the previous day to confirm that my eldest was out of full time education and to inform her that maintenance for him would now be stopped. I am presuming this was the reason and so tried to contact her to see if i could see the kids but she ignored my texts and calls. I found out she had taken them abroad on the weekend i was supposed to see them. I contacted the court for advice and they said that because it was an old court order i couln't do anything about it, except to go back to court to arrange another order or get a warning of enforcement put on the existing order and if she breaks that then i have a case for non contact, but they can't back date it so untill it's put on there's nothing i can do! I am now remarried, have a 2 year old son who my children adore and i feel powerless and disappointed to say the least that she can do this to me. I am worried about what she has told my kids. My eldest did come to stay with me last week but he lives with his mum and so it's awkward for him but i asked him to tell the little
2 that i love and miss them. i tried calling them today on my eldest's phone but they didn't want to talk to me. The last time I saw them they were happy and looking forward to the next visit and in the space of a month that seems to have completely reversed. I want to see my kids and i think they're being brainwashed and i feel completely and utterly powerless.
I know it's a long post so thanks for bearing with me but please can you help me because this is making me ill. i love my kids and want to see them. can she keep my kids from me?
My god, that's a catalogue of problems, and one of the worst I've seen on here. You really do have my sympathy on this. I think in this case, I won't comment further as this is too complex and you need proper legal advice. I'm sure one of the Mods will pass this on to the Childrens Legal Centre.
Hi harddoneby
Firstly thanks for the comments re the DT site. We like to get feedback 😀
We will indeed ask our legal experts to give you some free advice do hang in there as it may take a few days.
Dear harddoneby
A contact order will generally be in place until your children reach the age of 16 unless otherwise stated in the order. If your ex-wife wished to stop contact then she should have taken the matter back to court for the order to be varied or discharged.
As there is a contact order in place and your ex-wife is breaching this without good reason then you can take the matter back to the court to be enforced. If you do not qualify for legal aid then you may wish to consider applying back to the court yourself. This is known as acting as a litigant in person.
As the order was made prior to December 2008 there will not be a ‘warning notice’ attached to the original order. If you wish the order to be enforced then it will be essential for you to apply to the court to have a warning notice attached in the first instance. This states very clearly what the penalties may be for her breaching the order.
In order to start the enforcement process, you should phone your local county court and ask them to send you the C78 and C79 form. It will also be beneficial to ask the court to send you the guidance notes CB5 which specifically relate to the enforcement of an order.
The C78 form asks the court to attach a warning notice to the current order. Once the court has sent a warning notice to your ex-partner then you will have to wait until she breaches the order again before applying back to the court for enforcement.
In order to apply to the court for enforcement it will be necessary to fill out the C79 form and return this to the court. There is an application fee of £175 however this should be the only fee that is payable. You may also qualify for remission of full or part of the fee. In order to determine whether you do qualify for a lesser rate please consult your local court.
Once the application has been sent to the court a date will then be arranged for a further hearing. The judge will want to see whether your ex-wife has acted reasonably or not in refusing to follow the order. Unless there is a very good reason not to, the court is likely to enforce the order. The court has discretion as to what penalties, if any, it uses to ensure parties comply with court orders. These penalties can range from unpaid work and fines all the way up to changing the residence to the other parent and in very extreme situations, imprisonment.
It is also important to remember that your children’s opinions may be sought depending on their maturity and understanding. From your post it appears that your youngest children are 13 and 9, your 13 year old is likely to be competent to decide whether or not they wish to continue having contact with you. The court will have to decide whether or not your children have the sufficient maturity to have a decision regarding ongoing contact.
It may be beneficial to visit the Families Need Father’s website ( http://www.fnf.org.uk ) as they have a guide relating to acting as a litigant in person. If you require further advice regarding applying to the court then please do not hesitate to contact the Child Law Advice Line on 08088 020 008.
Kind regards
Children’s Legal Centre
Thank you so much for the advice. The advice you gave me is pretty much what I've done. I sent the form c78 for an enforcement attachment, back to court. They then sent a copy to me along with the c79 to serve on the ex. I hadn't heard anything just prior to receiving these forms back, so I rang Hastings Court and was informed that a date had been scheduled for me (and presumably my ex-wife) to appear in court on the 5th November. This worried me as I thought they would just add the enforcement onto my contact order and notify all parties. I am also worried as I know that me ex has made sure I can in no way get hold of my daughter, and has poisoned her mind against me, so that if her opinion is taken into account, I feel that she will be scared to speak truthfully or even worse has been so brainwashed as to actually not want to see me. I have contacted a solicitor in Hastings who will be representing me, I shall contact him tomorrow to see how things are progressing. Any further advice hugely appreciated!!!
I would think that a CAFCASS officer would want to speak to your daughter alone - from my experience, they are very adept at getting past the 'cover story' - assuming that this does happen, it may be worth expressing your worries to the CAFCASS officer before they see your daughter (I did this to the court, in front of my ex as it was the only opportunity I got when my ex made a false claim to the court).
thanks for that..that has eased my mind a little bit. You probably know how devious and manipulative ex's like to be. I only hope you are right that CAFCASS' experience will cut through the engineered deceipt!! Cheers again!
Just thought I'd post an update. I got a solicitor to act on my behalf. A 15 minute hearing took place on 27th November in reponse to my request for an enforcement attachment to be put on the original contact order. I didnt attend as I was looking after my new son but me ex did go. My solicitor spoke to my ex and basically she said that I "need to repair the relationship with the kids"...which is a far cry from "I'm stopping all contact, you wont be seeing the kids again"! So if I am understanding this, her idea of me repairing any broken relationship...is her stopping me see my children...Hmmm! Her defence was to present a fistful of printouts from Facebook! I am not friends with her on FB, the youngest 2 dont have FB accounts, She must be referring to my nearly 19 year old son and his conversations with me! Why is she spending time looking through peoples accounts to see what I am doing? I still have the conversation that my son and I had...and still have. Nothing more than father/son banter! He is 19 and I am 39! We have a dynamic she does not understand! If this is all she can muster then she is clearly delusional! Furthermore,how has this damaged my relationship with my younger 2, who have gone from "see you next week" to not wnting to talk to me? The judge has ordered a wishes and feelings report, I dont know the full ins and outs of these but I presume CAFCASS or someone speaks to the kids to see what they would like. It is shocking that such a devious and malicious person can alter the terms and damage relationships on a whim without any consequence. I feel despair at the whole affair. The onluy good thing is that I've lost a stone through worry....and possibly a little hair! Will let you know what happens hereon!
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