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I split from my wife last June, she instantly met someone! and they are now in a relationship. I haven't been consulted or anything as to when my daughter was to meet this new fella, or that he was staying at their house or that she was staying at his house. I have now met someone about 5 months ago, and I have decided that the time is right for my new girlfriend and my daughter to meet. My ex is now telling me that she wants to meet my new girlfriend before this can happen. I have taken my time to ensure that my new girlfriend is suitable etc. Can my ex dictate things like this??
Also my ex has now filed for divorce, this was an amicable decision and I have agreed to be the offending party, the split was amicable. However my ex has now informed me that she has told her solicitor that she has concerns about me "leaving" my daughter at my mums without me there. I was taken into care when I was 14 as I didn't get on with my stepdad. I had to leave my daughter in the care of my mum on just one occasion, and didnt inform my ex. Where do I stand on all this.
I have not tried to interfere with my ex's life, I always pick my daughter up on time and drop her off on time, im never late.
Any help would be greatly appreciated. I dont mind having to use a solicitor to sort all of this out if needs be, but thought it best to try to minimise the costs!!
Please understand that I am not anti-female or mothers here and some of what I write may sound harsh……But the problem with your ex (like many of our ex’s) is she seems to think that she can do exactly what she wants and you have to accept it…….well she’s wrong!
The law says that your ex should consult you on major decisions in your child’s life….however that I understand is mainly things like schools, doctors and such like. The reality is she will do what she likes and exclude you as and when she feels like it….until the law steps in and tells her she can’t! It’s her only way to control you. Far too many ex’s do this!
She may see legal action - like my ex has - as you just attacking/challenging her and trying to get back at her. She won’t see it that you just want to see your child without conditions and restrictions…they never do see that you just want to be a part of your child's life……you are now in the way of her new life and holding her back because you won’t do as she says!
Who she sees or who you are seeing is nothing to do with either of you….whether you like it or not you will have to accept her judgement with who she chooses to be around your child and she should accept your judgement on when the time is right to introduce a new partner in to your child’s life. I’ve not had that chance yet but I know it’ll be yet another issue for my ex despite her meeting a guy, moving him in to my child’s life within 6mth, marrying and having another kid with him within a total time fame of less than 2yrs of me leaving her!
She will always have “concerns” over who you see or leave the kids with! Grandparents are in my mind an integral part of a child's life and upbringing…grandparents can teach a child so much…but because they’re your parents…she won’t have concern over hers!!
Again the reality is that she will do what she likes until stopped by the courts! Because she has your child with her and you must obey her….until equal parenting is enshrined in law these nasty ex’s will always think they can get away with anything.
You will need to try and be very careful now….try not to enter in to face to face arguments with her….keep everything you need to discuss to emails/text messages etc… these can be used to back up anything you need to use in court….if she is abusive or just dam right nasty in these do not reply…or rise to them…..keep them and record them for use later if you take legal action.
my experience and the amount I’ve heard from separated fathers looking for more and uncontrolled time with their kids are all far too similar……the ex’s use the kids by stopping contact to make you do what they want…….there is no other reason for it other than they know that they themselves cannot hurt you…but if they use the kids then you will do anything and everything just so you get to see them!
There will be several people out here who can offer better advice on the rest of your questions.
if you were married when your child was born you will be named on the birth certificate and will have joint parental responsibility. as dadid says you can do what you see fit regarding who you trust with your child.
I have had similar with my ex and again as dadid said we do anything to see our kids . and put up with it.
keep all correspondence and start a diary of what happens between you her and your little one.
andy
If the child was born after 2003 and your on the birth cert then you have automatic parental responsibilty.
mhadron, did you get any where with this issue? If you look at my post "so questions lease" the issue is the same with my ex demanding to know who they see, how they sleep etc?
Well after reading the comments replied on this board and on others, I approached my ex and very politely told her that she either had to stop trying to dictate or if she felt she had just reason then she should get a court order to stop me taking my daughter to my mums or my girlfriends. She very calmly agreed and ended up apologising for her own behaviour ( I really didnt see that coming! ). We have been very friendly since! I appreciate this is probably a rarity but it has taken a load off my shoulders ( for the time being anyway! ) So thank you to all of you for helping me to understand where I stood!. Hopefully we can move forward and I can try to make my daughters life as good as I can when I see her!
mhaldron......Great to hear that your ex seems to have calmed down a little for you.......do you think you could speak with my ex please :p
Ha!! I think I just got lucky!! either that or she is planning something else!! Good luck though!
I agree. I still love my ex dearly, and it kills me to argue with her. But I would where my daughter is concerned. I just hope that it stays amicable now!
Hey I am a mum so I see things from the other side. First off though I would tell my ex I was going to introduce someone to our child before I did and ask him if he would like to meet him, not because I have to but out of respect for him so therefore I would expect the same from him. Why would you not want to know who the man or woman spending time with your children was?
With regards to you leaving with your mum I dont think this should be a problem. Does she never leave the children with anyone else without your permission??? She probably does!
A lot of women do use the kids as weapons to get at the dads which is wrong but were not all like that. I have had an ongoing battle with my ex with regards to access as I say no to things I dont think is right but our child is only 9 months old I never do it to be controlling, control him or the situation. This never actually crossed my mind till he said it.
Well after reading the comments replied on this board and on others, I approached my ex and very politely told her that she either had to stop trying to dictate or if she felt she had just reason then she should get a court order to stop me taking my daughter to my mums or my girlfriends. She very calmly agreed and ended up apologising for her own behaviour ( I really didnt see that coming! ). We have been very friendly since! I appreciate this is probably a rarity but it has taken a load off my shoulders ( for the time being anyway! ) So thank you to all of you for helping me to understand where I stood!. Hopefully we can move forward and I can try to make my daughters life as good as I can when I see her!
This is great and I think it cements the advice we very often give about not rushing into a formal court battle as it isn't always the best way to go.
If mhaldron had stormed in with solicitors letters or court summons he probably wouldn't have been anywhere near a resolve yet. Court should be the last resort.
Glad it worked out for you.
Darren
Hi lee2012, its interesting to hear it from a mothers perspective. Of course I want to know about anyone who will play any role in my daughters life, and I understand that you would ask him to meet the new person, out of respect. But I feel that each parent has a duty of care to their child and as such they should make decisions regarding the welfare of their child, and make decisions as to the suitability of bringing others into their childrens lives. The other party ( ie ex ) should respect that you have done this and that you are not just doing it on a whim. If you dont think that your ex has taken this time and treated the decision with the respect that it requires, then sure, meeting this new person is possibly appropriate. However I think that this decision could put un-neccessary strain on the new person, after all, no one wants to feel like a goldfish in a bowl do they. There is no question that meeting your partners ex is going to be an uncomfortable experience!! So in my eyes your respect for him and his respect for you should extend to trusting that you will have your childs best interest at heart, if you dont, then well.... I guess you have every right to demend to know more??
Darren,I agree, the advice i recieved and read that had been given to others certainly helped me to calm down, think about the situation and approach it with a clear intention. I do think that I would have fought, un-neccessarly, and probably cost myself a small fortune, just to clear up my rights. So thank you all!!
Bit of an update, so now my ex has told me that im not invited to my daughters 7th birthday party, as she doesnt want any tension, Ok I can understand that. But she has just dropped on me that she is taking my daughter away on my birthday weekend. We had previously agreed that we would have our daughter on our birthdays and fathers/mothers day. So much for amicable. So I have booked a weekend away the weekend after my daughters birthday to Alton Towers for a Moshi Moster! weekend!! But it has infuriated me not being able to see my daughter on my birthday weekend. Her excuse was that she is taking her to my exs sisters as they will have fun there!! Im reckoning that I cant stop her and im just going to have to swallow it!! gutted!
Why should you have to “swallow it”? Why should Non-Resident Parent (NRP) wanting to spend time with their kids just have to sit, be quiet and accept the abuse and heartache thrown at them by the Resident Parent (RP)?
Guys/Ladies – Parents! ………what can we do to get reasoning and rationale back in to the mind of the separated parent with day to day care (RP)?.
It seems most NRP’s (sadly mostly fathers) are more than prepared to bend over backwards just for a little extra time or for any time they can with their children, but the majority of RP’s just ignore reasoning and rationale and concentrate on venting their hatred and revenge on the NRP.
Bit of an update, so now my ex has told me that im not invited to my daughters 7th birthday party, as she doesnt want any tension, Ok I can understand that. But she has just dropped on me that she is taking my daughter away on my birthday weekend. We had previously agreed that we would have our daughter on our birthdays and fathers/mothers day. So much for amicable. So I have booked a weekend away the weekend after my daughters birthday to Alton Towers for a Moshi Moster! weekend!! But it has infuriated me not being able to see my daughter on my birthday weekend. Her excuse was that she is taking her to my exs sisters as they will have fun there!! Im reckoning that I cant stop her and im just going to have to swallow it!! gutted!
Is it worth trying to reason with her again - it's worked in the past. Keep calm and explain again that you had booked Alton Towers and how important it is for you to see your daughter on your birthday. Explain that a visit to her sisters could be rearranged but your birthday weekend is a fixed date. Maybe ask how she would feel if the roles were reversed?
Maybe there is something you could be flexible on in the future? It's sometimes easier to find a compromise when you are both offering to give a little ?
I can imagine how frustrating this must be especially as you had already agreed that you would both spend time with her on your respective birthdays and fathers/mothers days.
Gooner
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