[Solved] Cafcass visit

well if u feel the need to pay for help this is all i can help with... unknown to me so you chose http://www.nacsa.co.uk/ but if u want my advice quit ur job see Citizens Advice and legal aide

well if u feel the need to pay for help this is all i can help with... unknown to me so you chose http://www.nacsa.co.uk/ but if u want my advice quit ur job see Citizens Advice and legal aide

u can take put the parasites in court for years with legal aid

Hi there.

How old are your children? CAFCASS will talk to them and try and ascertain what their thoughts and feelings are.

Try not to worry about your meeting with them. Make sure that they understand you only have your childrens best interests at heart. Take your time answering any questions, and dont come across as too needy of your children. They want to see a man that has a calm and balanced attitide to contact. I would tell them as you have here, that your ex is a good mum and make sure that they know you would like to work in unison with her to provide the best possible quality of life for your children. Tell them that you have a very close bond with them. Did you and your ex share parenting 50/50? If so tell them that, and say that this would be the ideal for future contact, to share it equally with your ex.

I wouldn't mention that you have sat with the children asking them about a week each between you and your ex and that this made them cry...or that they have said they want more time with you. CAFCASS might feel that the children shouldn't be put in a situation like that and they may see it as coercion and would take a dim view.

Often children in this situation will tell each parent what they think they want to hear...because they love both parents and want to make both happy and not sad anymore.

Its all about the children and trying to find a way through it all so that they can grow, free of guilt or worry for the future, and are loved and cherished unconditionally in a warm and secure environment. Thats really what you should try and get across.

Of course this is only my opinion, but I hope it helps...Good luck for tomorrow and dont forget to come back and let us know how it went.

Hi

Many thanks for your response, well my twins (9yrs old), have now had the cafcass visit. I spoke to them for over two hours, and have to say I found them very helpful. However, they spoke to my kids separately, for approx ten mins each, and then told the mother exactly what they said to him, (they want a week with me and a week with their mum). I'm not very happy with this as my kids have now had a week from [censored], from their mum,her bf and the nan shouting at them and telling them what a mistake they have made. The bf has even turned round and told them the cane should be brought back in for children who upset their mother? What is the best way of handling this? Is this normal protocol by cafcass? Also, do cafcass see my kids again for a more indepth chat? If this is the case, I'm worried that with so much pressure coming from the mum they will feel 'pressured' into changing their mind, resulting in them saying they don't want the additional contact with me. As always, all replies appreciated. My poor kids, I feel so sorry for them.

...Do you have a contact at CAFCASS? As you felt they were helpful towards you, I would call them with your concerns about the way the children are being treated, and the bullying they are being subjected to, especially the threat of physical abuse...In the circumstances it would be acceptable to ask that they are careful what they feed back to the mother, because if its not what she wants to hear, the children will be made to suffer. as they are now. I would also make a complaint about the BF and question his suitability to be around the twins at all.

I dont know what CAFCASS protocol is..I dont think they know half the time! When CAFCASS spoke to my grandson prior to the court, they only spoke to him the once and then made their report from that.

...Its always the children that suffer the most....When you see your children just keep reassuring them that it will all be alright soon... its very important that they feel loved unconditionally by at least one of their parents... Good luck with everything.

Thank you nannyjane, my problem is my kids have practically begged me not to tell ANYONE I know about the week They've had, of course I feel annoyed about the bf, but I know I have to let the 'legal system' take its course. I have asked my twins if they want me to say anything, and they are pleading with me not to. Believe me not for a second do I think they are in any physical danger, again, I repeat they have a good mum, but mentally, now I'm not so sure. I'm never arrogant but I know I'm a good dad, but when I 'drop' them back off to the former marital home and they are subjected to what I would say is tantamount to bullying, I don't feel so good. I know everyone., well, mostly everyone loves their kids, but mine are so so good, i haven't had a cross word with them in 5/6 yrs. I'm crushed!!!!

...I can understand why your children have begged you not to tell, they dont want to upset their mum, and the bullying will also come into play...If you dont say anything, then in a way the bullying has worked and the bullies have won. This sends the wrong message....to the bullies, who are more likely to use the same tactics in the future, and the children who are being shown that bullying others is effective. People become bullies to promote fear in the ones they want to control....However, I do understand how difficult this must be, and all you really want to do is protect your kids from further distress. I might add that I am in no way judging your decision not to speak about it.

I think that 9yr olds know their own minds, but I dont believe they are mature enough to decide on what would be the best thing to do in given situations, especially when they are being intimidated. Certainly find out what children would like to happen, but I dont think it right to burden them with the decisions on how to get there. We as adults have learnt through experience that we sometimes have to do and say things we feel uncomfortable with, but we also know that we have to push ourselves to do this because its the right thing to do....Again this is only my opinion, I'm not there on the ground "walking your walk" as it were...

Maybe, as you got on so well with the CAFCASS interviewer, you could ask if you can speak to them in confidence, and get their assurances that they will not speak of it to others.Then your children need never know you have spoken about it. Its a really tough decision for you and whatever you decide you have my respect

Have you made the mother aware that you know what the children have been subjected to? You say she's a good mum, can you not appeal to her better nature to stop it for the sake of her children. Maybe she needs some gentle reminding of the negative impact the bullying and threats are having on the children...does she really want to frighten them in this way. She needs to realize that this isnt a fight for the childrens love because they love you both equally already, just because they want to spend time with you both isnt a threat to either of you...its an endorsement of the good parents that you are. You could say that if it stops now nothing more needs to be done but if it continues you will be forced to speak to CAFCASS...ask her not to go back to the children about it as they're suffering enough and its down to both of you to protect them from any further suffering.

These are just suggestions and as I have said, only you are best placed to know what is the right thing to do. I wish you well and hope that it can all be sorted out very soon.

Hi there,

It would be really helpful if you were to share with us what was covered during the talks you had with CAFCASS. The kinds of questions they asked, and what areas were covered....and any advice you can give to help others to prepare for their own interviews with them.
Theres a new member Bri101 posting on legal eagle at the moment asking for help with his own upcoming "chat". I saw his post and thought of you!

I agree with much of what has been said above. I would say that, as your children have begged you not to say anything, then at this stage, you respect their wishes otherwise they won't trust you to tell you anything in the future - it's difficult not to rush in and 'fix' things, but sometimes the best thing you can do is simply listen - that's often all children want, in addition, you need to know what is happening and you don't want your children to bottle everything up. I would however, keep a diary of everything that they tell you (write it down when they aren't with you).

However, I would say that it's something you need to discuss with your children on a regular basis and you might be able to persuade them to let you help them, or to give them advice on how to help themselves (their school will have pastoral care - they could go to speak to him/her in complete confidence).