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I am the girlfriend of a very responsible and loving father. He has two gorgeous children who he adores. This is quite long, but the first bit just provides the context for the issue we are having now.
My partner split from his ex in February 2008 after he discovered she had been having an affair for 2 years with a man in the UK. They were living overseas in his home country (USA). She is British and got back in touch with an ex through friends reunited and made quite a number of visits to the UK to visit 'friends and family' without him. To cut a long story short, she convinced him to sell up, find a new job (she doesn't work) and move the family over here. After 2 and a half months, he discovered what she had done and they separated. Since they split, he has regularly had the children to stay and has paid over half his income to her every month despite there being no court order in place regarding finances.
She was always quite difficult over arrangements with the children, but as she moved in with her boyfrind she wanted him to have the children as it suited her. We started our relationship in April 2008. I have known his children since they were tiny as I already knew his ex and him through her sister and they visited the UK from time to time.
My partner lost his spouse visa in January 2009 as he was not aware that the decree nici invalidated it. His company sponsored him for a temporary visa in Hong King (they could not do the UK) and he travelled at his own expense in order to see the children while applying for leave to remain. We had the children to stay with us on two occasions after he lost his visa, each time for several nights. Since my partner and I have been together, my family have welcomed him and his children into the family and we have spent quite a bit of time at my parent's house.
In March 2008, my partner's ex's boyfriend left her to go back to his wife. Subsequently, she cut off all the children's contact with their father. He could not speak to them for over 6 weeks and did not see them for 7 months while he was trying to resolve the contact issue. She claimed he was a 'flight risk' which was absolute nonsense. To make matters worse, he was trying to resolve the contact and the visa issue from Hong Kong AND he needed a contact order (or confirmation from her that he had contact) in order to get the visa. Many months and thousands of pounds later, he got a contact order (two months before the visa was approved). We all breathed a sigh of relief. The contact order is quite straightforward regarding terms of contact, frequency and duration. It mentions no other parties.
All through this process, his ex had been threatening me and my family, sending abusive and threatening texts and making abusive phone calls. She has received two warnings of arrest under the protection from harassment act. Despite the police advising me that I should press charges on the second occasion, I was loathe to do so because of the children.
During the first weekend that the children stayed with us after the court order was in place, we visited my parents as we had done on many occasions in the past. During this visit we took my dogs for a walk in the fields behind my parent's house. Once child did not wish to join us, so stayed with my mother and two adult brothers and my father. We were gone for about 30 minutes. The child that stayed behind was perfectly happy and we thought no more of it. That is until his ex got her lawyer to send a shocking letter stating that it is unacceptable that their son was left unsupervised with my family. She claimed that my parents' house is an unsafe environment, that my father is a dangerous alcoholic, that he held the family hostage at gunpoint when I was a child and that she feels contact cannot continue unless my partner assures her that they will not be put in this dangerous environment again. All of this is absolutely absurd an bears no resemblence to anything factual. She is claiming her sister told her that I had said this. I used to live with her sister. This sister has been convicted of assaulting me and deliberately destroying my car because I am living with her sister's husband... Hardly a credible witness. Her sister has denied to me that she has said anything to her sister, said she wants nothing to do with it and wants to get on with her life. Furthermore, this was not raised at all when the court order was being negotiated only a month or so earlier. She has also, in a phonecall that is on tape, told my partner that once he has his visa she will come up with something else. When asked why is she doing this, she answered 'because I can. I have something you want and you have to go through me'.
My partner refused to agree to these new terms of contact as they are unnecessary and unreasonable, and as a consequence, when he arrived to collect the children for the next visit, they were not there. She keeps repeating these claims, despite the fact that she has never met my family, and her sister has met them once about 8 years ago. Of course, my partner's lawyer has written to say that the claims are outrageous, untrue and inflammatory and that if she breaks the court order again, then they will file for an enforcement order. Her lawyer responds as though she is allowed to break the court order for this reason. They have been told that the court order is in place, and if they wish to change it then they need to come up with the relevant evidence and apply to change it. We had the children for the next visit as we were not planning to visit my family anyway and he wrote to her lawyer confirming that he had no plans to visit my parents that weekend.
He has now requested dates for January (he is on a roster that changes month to month), and she has re-iterated the same terms. He has to agree that the children are never to be left unsupervised by him (and him only) with my family. This is pure malice. On top of this, she has been frightening the children by telling them untrue stores about me and my family - they are 6 years old. This is hardly appropriate. My partner does not know anyone else in the UK and me and my family are the closest thing he has to a family here.
He plans to resist her unreasonable request and if she breaks the court order again, he will file for an enforcement order. My concern is that she will get away with it as she will claim she was 'scared for her children', and I am concerned that the court will play it safe and say they cannot be around my family which would be preposterous. It would be unfair on the children, as they love going to my parents' house and it would make all our lives logistically very difficult. She lives near my parents and we live over 130 miles away. We do all the driving to collect and drop off the children even though she took their family car and he does not have his own transport. Can she just get away with this, or does the court recognise that my partner is a responsible parent with the authority to decide who is suitable to supervise the children when they are in his care? Will they recognise that she is being malicious and trying to restrict the children's contact with their father? I am also concerned that my poor parents will be subjected to humiliating scrutiny and investigation as though they are common criminals when all they have done is be kind to two small children who are stuck in the middle of a terrible divorce.
Forgot to add - My parents regularly care for their grandson while my sister and her partner are at work and if they go out for the night. My nephew adores them and loves spending time with them. My parents have raised four happy, well-balanced and successful children of their own. I and my three siblings are now adults, but as children regularly had friends to stay at our house with no issues. My parents were also entrusted with the care of children who were at school with my brothers who had parents living overseas, again with no issues. In fact, many of my brothers' friends who are now in their late 20's and early 30's, still visit my parents now.
Hi JHG Many thanks for your posts and welcome to Dad Talk.
This sounds like a horrendous situation and clearly your partner's ex is not putting the childrens' needs first. I know you have your own lawyers working on your behalf but what I will do is ask one of our experts to give you some advice.
It can take a couple of days for the expert advice to arrive. Keep watching out for their reply.
Dear JHG,
We apologise for the delay in responding to your query.
Your solicitor is correct in saying that the mother does not have the power to breach the court order as she sees fit, and that in order to have any of the contact altered she should follow the correct procedure and re - apply to court for a variation of the order. If she does not do this it is a breach and she can be found to be in contempt of court for this.
When the children are with your partner, then the mother has no legal right to a say in where they go, so long as it is within the United Kingdom, and their father can decide who is appropriate for them to be around. This would include the ability for your partner to allow someone to look after the children for a period of time, whether that be your parents or any other person he believes to be suitable.
This would only be incorrect if the court order prevented this, which it does not at present, or if the person had other reasons for not being allowed to be around children, which is not the case here. It is believed that a parent would only allow someone suitable to care for their children and the court are reluctant to limit what a parent can decide unless necessary.
The mother is able to ask that the children do not see a particular person, but she does not have the right to stop the contact if your partner refuses to comply with what she asks. Her option should be to make an application back to court. Your partner does not have to give her any assurances that the children will not see your parents, although the mother may choose to breach the order and stop the contact if he does not.
If the mother continues to be difficult regarding this matter and withholds contact, then it would be advisable for your solicitor to apply for enforcement as they advised you.
When this matter goes to court it is difficult to say what would happen. The court would hear the mother’s reasons for stopping contact, and if they believed there to be any substance to them then they can seek further evidence. However the court are also aware that parties are often hostile towards contact and that not all allegations will be true, the mother would likely be require to provide some form of evidence regarding these allegations.
Your partner should also ask that the court hears the recordings from the mother that states that she is doing these things because she can and provide any other evidence that the mother is being malicious to the court as this would strengthen his arguments. You are also able to state that you believe the mother to be saying negative things towards the children and that this is not in their best interests, although it is very difficult for the court to prove or stop this from happening they are able to warn the mother not to do this and they should be aware of all the facts when making their decision.
As a general rule, the court are reluctant to limit who the parents allow children to see, and this is only done in very serious cases and usually evidence would be required to show that the person in question was a risk to the children. It is unusual that such a restriction would be placed into an order based on an allegation alone or the other parents dislike of the person in question.
We hope that this information is useful to you and wish you luck with the situation. Should you require further advice please contact the Child Law Advice Line on 0808 8020 008 and an advisor will be happy to help you.
Kind Regards
Children’s Legal Centre
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