[Solved] Best way to start mediation?

Hi all,

So I'm at the point now where I know that mediation is my best bet to increase my access and start things going in the right direction. My question is how did you approach it for the best? Did you let your ex know before hand that you were going to contact the providers of mediation or did you just go for an individual MIAM and let them contact her? Even though I know I have been let down and given minimal access I'm worried that however I approach this that my access will be stopped altogether when she finds out, I'm not saying that will happen I'm just worried that it will. What is the best way to approach the situation? Also should she reject the mediation should I file for court strait away or try for mediation again?

Thanks in advance,

TheDaddy

Hi - its very difficult to give "general advice" to your specific situation - as it really does depend on how reasonable you ex is willing to be.
The answer also depends when/if your ex will involve a solicitor, as this can often complicate things.

While my advice is based upon dealing with my own situation, and this very situation for some friends - there are different views on how one approaches the issue of child arrangements via courts.

In *general* - the advice you will hear most often is that court is a last resort. The reason for this advice is because 1) Courts don't want to get clogged up dealing with relationship issues (while the family courts consider the welfare of the child paramount - the reason it has come before a court is because of relationship breakdown between the parents - usually). And 2) When you apply to court, you are effectively handing over decision making to a judge and the other sources of court information - and again, it is generally considered that parents should, if possible, decide upon what is best for their children. 3) generally, arrangements that have been made by "mutual agreement" rather than imposed by a court last longer and are more often abided by.

The counter to this - is that when an ex has refused mediation, and has sought the advice of an (eager) solicitor to "trumpet" their cause (regardless of whether the cause is in the child's interest) - you may feel that, actually, you no longer have any decision making powers (especially if contact is refused and mediation is refused). You will find members on this forum who have had contact reinstated and swear by the court process.

That said, this is my personal opinion:
1. If your ex is going to be difficult (only you know...) contact a mediator, do your MIAM, and let them contact your ex. If your ex refuses mediation, then the mediator will send back the signed C100. If your ex is going to be very difficult (or if access stops, or you get similar signals abusive phone calls/texts, etc or threats of going to a solicitor...) I would not hesitate to submit C100 court, with a view to restarting negotiations. This stops the very hostile ex submitting their own C100 first (only one C100 concerning the same child can be processed at any one time) with the help of a solicitor (or a certain Woman's charity...) with potentially fabricated abuse/violence claims - which is the main thing to avoid.

2. If you ex is reasonable (i.e. can you have a dispassionate business-like conversation - or is it all emotions, abusive and threats..?) then you certainly can discuss with her the benefits of mediation and as a courtesy let her know that she will be contacted by a mediator. In this situation, ideally you could both approach mediation constructively and hope to reach an agreement that you are both happy with. This is likely to be the best result all round and the cheapest in the long-run.

3. My *personal* opinion *for this particular situation* is, as soon as a solicitor gets involved (for an ex who is withholding contact and therefore previous agreements have broken down) - I would get the matter to court as soon as you can. It is simply a waste of time negotiating with an ex's solicitor in the hope they will take what you and the child want into account. They wont - unless their hand is forced and this gives them a better chance of achieving their clients aims. Indeed, they are obliged to only consider their client's (your ex) wishes, by their code of conduct. Of course, if you did this, you can (and should) still answer letters, and put your position over while any court application is being processed. The court process provides ample opportunity to continue to try to resolve matters - and you can do so right up until the first court hearing (in fact, this is expected of parties where possible).

If there are complicated issues such as violence/abuse etc, then it would be best to talk through your exact situation with a suitably qualified person.

Regarding this:

Even though I know I have been let down and given minimal access I'm worried that however I approach this that my access will be stopped altogether when she finds out, I'm not saying that will happen I'm just worried that it will.

Yes, it is a worry. But, at the end of the day "you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs". If you want something better than "given minimal access", then be prepared to maybe have to break some eggs. Also, if you fear being held to ransom...it is probably better to confront it and get it dealt with, rather than have it hanging over every decision you may make in the future. I'm speaking from experience here!

Whatever you decide - good luck. There are plenty on here that can give you information about both court and non-court solutions and the good and the bad about each.

THL

Thanks so much, really appreciate your in depth reply. I suppose it just hard being in this position but I just need to bite the bullet for my child's sake and get going.

Thanks again,

TheDaddy

Mention to her that you are thinking about attending mediation as you are not happy with the amount of contact you are getting and gauge her reaction I suspect she will flip her lid so when she does find a local mediator and they will ask her down for a session and take it from there.

You're pretty much damned if you do and damned if you don't but I'd just bite the bullet and go for it.mediation rarely works and the mum usually digs her heels in as they don't like losing control over you but it's worth it in the long run to get a good solid child arrangement order in place so you don't have to live by her every demand.

My nut job of an ex stopped me seeing my baby for 10 months it was the worst experience of my life but I would without a doubt do it again because what I have now and I have my daughter pretty much 50/50 it's great not having to pander to my ex's every whim I can just be a dad without her butting in court was so worth it 🙂

Hi Mr Slim,

Thanks again for your reply, I have already sent to mediation for a MIAM, I have decided to do this individually and then let them invite her to a session, I may like you say just mention it now and get that bit out of the way.

Thanks so much for your help and if I get anywhere near what you get I will see it as an absolute result compared to what I'm getting now.

Thanks again,

TheDaddy

TheDaddy

I agree with Slim - in the cases I have been involved with (my own and for a few friends) it was the Courts that balanced out the wholly biased situation, of a bitter ex teaming up with a solicitor to basically deny a NRP access or play "control games".

Although, if your Ex agrees, do give mediation a chance - as (with the right mediator and the right frame of mind of you of your ex) it can work wonders.

Thanks again, believe you me I dont wish to put anyone through anything unnecessary. If mediation works then great but I just can't see it at the moment. Thanks for all your help folks 🙂

TheDaddy

If you get a chance please do take a look at my thread titled Mediation / Solicitor I could do with some good advice regarding how to approach the legal side of paperwork during mediation.

All the best,

TheDaddy

Sorry if I come across blunt but I hate Mediators with a passion I think they are just a bunch of biased money grabbing scum bags like solicitors who are all aboard the gravy train I tried 3 of them and they were all the same dragging it out so they could charge you for doing nothing it cost me nearly £300 and my ex didn't show up once.

It's another good chance for the ex to drag it out so it costs you more money too, as THL has suggested the ex and a solicitor will have a field day absolutely nothing is legally binding so at any time the ex can just stop contact start messing you around and basically do what the [censored] she wants I'd be pushing for your c100 for to be signed off ASAP and get it to court quick sharp and get yourself a rock solid court order in place so you can't be messed around again.

Thanks very much, It's very easy to see how money can be lost. You guys are amazing, thanks so much.