Attempting to get equal 50/50 Co-parenting arrangement.

The position of family court is:

-Children develop best when they have relationships with both parents. 

-Children should spend time with both parents as long as it’s safe and practical to do so.

50/50 is possible but is not the easiest to obtain when children are very young e.g. under the age of 2. However you can obtain orders for stepped arrangements e.g 2 nights per week before they turn 2 and 50/50 thereafter. For your 3 year old, you will need arrangements for today but also to include arrangements that will kick-in once they start school.

The child arrangement orders that you will get will largely depend on:

-Your ability to do reliably and consistently do nursery/school-runs.

-Your distance from the childrens nursery/school.

Your time with the children is your time. The court won’t have a problem with the use of family help or child minder for pickups. There are many parents that even still live their their mum or dad and that’s absolutely fine.

hi,

family courts treat child arrangements and child maintenance/financial matters as 2 totally separate issues. It's disappointing when parents place financial interests before the children. I would suggest to try mediation with your ex, and see if it's possible to come to some kind of agreement. you could take it to court as a last resort. I would be a bit wary of solicitors. if they are involved from start to finish, then your costs will be extremely high. recently came across a dad who spent £20,000 on lawyers to achieve a 50/50 agreement through courts.

Hi

I'd agree with the advice of the other contributors. 

However, when you say your family will collect him from nursery, who is this? Is it one individual or multiple different individuals? For a child as young as 3 who is moving between 2 homes multiple times per week already to then add having to go to different family homes as you are working, the courts may decide he is too young and that this is not in the best interest as doesn't provide stability. Just something to be mindful of and try to work around.

I do know of dads who have either moved to part time working or given up working totally in order to have a 50:50 involvement in their children's lives after seperation and as the children get older, increase their hours at work.

If you do seek legal advice try to get clarity re this and don't let the solicitor over promise but under deliver whilst charging you a fortune. 

All the best. 

@Daddyup 

Agreed. 50/50 is an ideal but not feasible or in a child’s best interest if one parent can’t caregive reliably. Furthermore at the age of 1, the court is not keen on a child being passed between different homes throughout the week. Therefore expectations need to aligned accordingly.

The best approach for a child of that age is to have a child arrangements that ladder up overnight contact.

Thank you so much for everyone with their input and advice - it means a lot.

Our one year old, I understand the situation completely and will always facilitate the transition into overnight stays - of course! What is best for our boy is best for me. My partner is a big advocate of breast feeding as long as possible, without trying to express - which does put a strain on my relationship with our child. I do understand it will be hard for the father in this situation 

However in our 3 year old, I am able to provide 50% care, along side grandparents collecting from nursery before my finish times at work for example. I don’t see why this would be an issue at all. 

So are the courts happy with a child spending the day with a grandparent every week or two weeks a problem or does it prove a determent to the child for some reason? That’s the part that makes no sense to me. If the child has equal amounts of love, support, routine and care - how is that an issue by law? I am seeking ultimately to be an equal care giver? 

Thanks all  

@whitlock1989 

Picture yourself as a judge. Who would you leave a 3 year old in the care of on Wednesdays?

Parent 1: On Wednesdays I work and grandparents will collect my son from nursery.

Parent 2: On Wednesday I am nursing my 1 year old and like our 3 year old to join us on playdates.

A deep relationship with parents is more important than spending time with grand parents.

What you do after child arrangements orders have been sealed don't matter. However during the court process it's all about presenting the best "case".

Outcomes in family court are predetermined and it's about manipulating your own circumstances to channel cafcass and court down your desired branch of their decision trees. This can include going part time during the court process or moving closer to a child's school. 

@ whitlock1989

I agree with the above. 50:50 is possible. I got it and my ex did everything she could to cut me out completely (although that may have helped me because after fact-findings etc I was in a position to be the resident parent because she acted so badly). 

Definitely, try to stay amicable, it is so much easier that way and better for the children. Even if you are 100% correct and child focused it could take years to go via the courts and you ex could take your children in that time. The courts, in my experience, are fair and good... but waiting 6 months for a court date and needing 4 sittings is a disaster. 

A quick note about your comment: "and then claim maintenance from me, based on the time schedule she wants to impose on me":

Yep this is correct. CMS do not care one tiny bit WHY the child is where there are. You pay. My child was essentially kidnapped and I had no idea where they were. Mother immediately put an application into CMS because she, by virtue of her wrongfully taking our child, had 100% care. I had to pay and it was a significant amount. Sorry for the bad news. On a plus side, now I have 50:50 CMS are out of our lives (they can be overly aggressive). We can both provide financially well for our child so finances was never a motivator but it is good to have ties a controlling ex's severed (although that took a battle with CMS... some great information on here on how to do that BTW).

If you do agree a lesser amount of time now with more time for the future planned later, make sure the steps and reason for those steps (benefits to the child) are agreed in writing by ex. Have regular steps moving up in that direction. I have heard the courts sometimes like to keep the status quo, so don't get tricked there.

Finally: Mediation is a better alternative to solicitors and court.

Good luck fingers crossed

@relentlesslove 

In Practice Direction 12J it is stated that FHDR shall take place no longer than 6 weeks from a child arrangement application being filed.*rolling my eyes* That must have been the timetable in the 90s. 

Filing applications is easy, however the further the application progress through the process, the lies and exaggerations are unsurfaced and exposed. When you get in front of a judge to determine facts, the court process becomes incredible technical. It’s about who the judge believes the most but whether there is a factual basis for the allegations, are the concerns valid, do they meet the threshold and are they one offs or systematic.

The overarching objective for the court is for child arrangements to move forward for the benefit of the children. They can’t change the future, know that parents might hate each other’s guts but the judges aren’t interested in point scoring. 

Stepped arrangements are recommended for those with children who haven’t started school. Just make sure that the contact is stated in the order, in a matter that’s precise and robust. You do NOT want to go through a 9 month court process only to have to do it all over again because the child arrangement order is vague or relies on collaboration between the parents. 

@whitlock1989

I think the above from @  mrstrange is for you.

The judge in my case said that childcare is not of relevance and that children are allowed to spend time with extended family! I would maybe consider if this is too much? Maybe a 60/40 agreement? Where you have him/her 3 nights a week? 

even with 50/50, child benefit etc can be really difficult to tackle, mum can just turn around and say your not sticking to the order and don’t have them 50/50 and they normally believe it 🙄