[Solved] Are letters from my Ex valid?

Hi pete

First of all just like to welcome you in to the dad talk forum, Sorry to hear the pain you are going through
Howevever we have a wonderfull expert team who would gladly give you advice in your situation.
Just keep checking up daily to see there reply as they may not reply straight away.

jj

Hi Pete,
It really seems unfair if your ex asks you to go via solicitor but doesn't do the same herself!!
Anyway, back to your question. I expect the legal experts can give you some idea what weight these letters might have, and what you might do to ensure you being able to continue having contact with your children (as this seems to be your concern at the moment).
It seems from the outside that things have moved from mediation to using solicitors now.
You don't outline what demands your ex has been making in her letters but I guess they are around do's and don'ts and limitations she wants in regard to you seeing your children.
As JJ said, check back in a few days to see if there has been a response from the legal experts.

Do keep posting.

Dear Pete-c,

Before matters go to court it is for those involved to decide how best to communicate among themselves. Whilst it would be more sensible for any correspondence to go through solicitors as you have them, it is not a requirement and your ex partner is able to contact you directly if she wishes.

It would be advisable that you ensure that your solicitor is aware of this correspondence and has a copy of all the letters, and you are able to have them contact her and ask that these go through them in future, however she does not have to abide by this, and you are able to contact her directly if you wish, but you may want to consider whether to do this if your ex partner is already making allegations against you so that she can not claim harassment or anything similar.

You are also under no legal obligation to comply with any demands that the mother may make of you, whether or not this is in writing or whether it goes through solicitors or not.

Whilst there is nothing legal in place (any agreements are not legally binding and can be altered by either party at any time, even if made through mediation or solicitors) the resident parent is able to control all contact that children have with other people, including the other parent, as contact with parents is the child’s right and not that of either parent. This means that until your children are old enough to make decisions for themselves and exercise their right to contact (approximately when they are teenagers but absolutely when they are 16 years old), the mother is able to control this as they live with her.

If you are not happy with the contact or the mother altering this, then you have the right to make an application to court for a contact order, which your solicitor should have discussed with you, and this would usually be the next step as you have already attempted mediation.

The court are very much in favour of granting contact between children and parents where it is safe to do so as it is thought to be in the best interests of children to have a relationship with both parents.

You are also able to express any concerns that you have to the court regarding the mother and what she may say to the children, and the court are able to discourage the mother from saying anything negative to them regarding you or the contact, although they can not physically stop her the court would not be pleased if such things were being said to the children.

We hope that this information is useful to you. Should you require further advice please contact the Child Law Advice Line on 0808 8020 008 and an advisor will be happy to help.

Kind Regards

Children’s Legal Centre

Thank you for the information, Its been difficult this week as my solicitor has barely been in the office due to bad weather so at this moment in time im no further forward or had further advice.

I have just recieved "notice of proceedings" for divorce today and at last things are at a start, My only concern is that she's adiment that i admit adultery?

I was not seeing anyone leading upto or after we split but some months later to this current day. Although technically adultary as still married, she can't prove any sexual activity! Do i still have to plead guilty to this or fight my corner and go for marriage breakdown which it was, would this just prolong things further. I just feel everything is going her way and better for her to tell friends i cheated (when i never) so she's not embarrassed as to why we realy split. (boring wife is an understatement) Im 36 she's 39 but a lot of her friends are well into their 50's and it shows (not having a go at over 50's but a generation ahead of mine)

The "notice of proceeding" needs to be sent back within 7 days to the court so whats best, Do i fill out and send to my solicitor for her to forward on or do i make copies. send one to my sols and one to the court, Just thought she's need to check through it 1st but they don,t give you long and my sol aint the quickest at returning info. Also can i amend anything on the paperwork as they have my CSA payment as £56 per week when in fact its £61 (most fields have been filled in by my ex)

pete.
As soon as i have contact with my sol i'll keep you upto date.

Pete-c

...your story as it is starting to pan out is very similar to many other separated dads...there are many pitfalls and potential pitfalls to try and avoid and things you need to consider doing in order to force the whole set of proceedings towards the result that you wish to see. Rest assured, if you don't take action, you will be overwhelmed by a system: solicitors, judges and courts that are intrinsically biased against fathers and also childrens’ right to live equally with both parents. It is important to have in your mind a strategy as to where you are going. Your Ex's solicitor has already got a strategy and one which they are already starting to play out, as can be evidenced from what your Ex is communicating to you. DO NOT FALL FOR IT. Here is my advice on a number of fronts. OK it’s a bit long, but if helps you to start thinking about STRATEGY, then it will have been useful advice:

1. Divorce Vs Child Contact/Residence Issues:

OK, your longer term desire may wish to be to get through to end of a Divorce, BUT do not confuse that with the need to achieve a wholly satisfactory outcome in respect of your children. Having myself been separated now for some 2 years and with Ex having formally lodged a Divorce petition after about the first year, I am well aware of the issues.
- First point-in Divorce the petitioner (your Ex) has all the advantages: legal aid (LSC) will freely dish out financial support to a female petitioner. Respondents (such as yourself a male), never get Legal Aid (unless of course you are female !). From my own experience and observation with LSC, this is a female dominated organisation will largely feminist driven staff and attitudes.
- Second point-your Ex will always have been encouraged by her Sols to instigate the Divorce petition. This is the corollary of the first point-as most Sols in the family law arena depend almost exclusively on legal aid to keep their businesses going.
- Third point-if you allow Divorce to go ahead at this point, your children's future will all get wound up into that rolling process and you will have no control of the outcome in that respect. Better to put a complete brake on the Divorce and concentrate on your Children and have that sorted out first. Once that is resolved to your satisfaction, then by all means return to a formal Divorce (at which time that will have become reduced most probably to financial matters, property etc). In brief you need to fight through every issue separately.

2. Divorce and getting control of the process:

As briefly mentioned in 1, you need to be in control, your Ex (& Sol) need to be forced onto the back foot at all times, they need to be responding to you at all times, not you responding to them. That is the first determination that you need to adopt, in that way you grab the initiative at all times from the other side.
- If you have not committed adultery, DO NOT admit to the allegation. You seeing another person is not ADULTERY, but anything that may be construed as you both collectively behaving as a COUPLE could be, so keep your actions well under control. At 2 years, your Ex is requesting you admit Adultery simply to give her cause. Without it, your Ex would have to wait for 5 years separation to proceed. Alternatively, and what might/could happen (and the strategy that your Ex/Sol already appear to be following ....) is that they will lodge increasing allegations of harassment at you, then possibly also a Non-Molestation Order (which the courts willingly hand out to females, often based solely on their say/allegations and in an Ex Parte manner, in other words an Order suddenly drops on your door mat and that is the first you ever know about it). Once they have got that, they have got cause, no matter how truthful or not it is. Your Ex sol will not then hesitate to come after you a second time with a Divorce Petition on those grounds, because they know that most respondents will not challenge or cross-petition (most Sols, yours included, will always advise against cross-petitioning, as they don't like to get involved, it is more difficult for them, and LSC will most likely not fund it either.....in short the whole Sol business and indeed the courts themselves have a strong desire not to get into, allow, or even entertain cross-petitioning, as in theory it requires a proper trial, where gossip/hearsay/allegations alone are not enough and proper evidence has to be presented...so positively use that info/fact to steer your course of action).
- Where you go from here with a Divorce Petition issued and the nominal 7 days to respond depends upon your options:
(a) Do you have grounds to instigate Divorce on your own - i.e. solid examples of unreasonable behaviour by your Ex, or even Adultery by your Ex. If you do, then I would suggest, you do not Admit to your Ex's allegation of your Adultery, you clearly state that in your Acknowledgement and you also go on to say that you will contest the Divorce (or cross-petition as it is often referred to) on basis of 'unreasonable behaviour', adultery' or whatever good cause you intend to use and state that you will lodge a cross-petition within 28 days/shortly. If faced with a Divorce Petition, which alleges 'unreasonable behaviour' move to cross-petition on a 'dual' or even 'triple' basis if you can (in other words two or more different causes within the same petition. Yep, Sols etc will look at you oddly for wanting to do this, but it is perfectly feasible and has been done before). Now with only 7 days in theory to response to your Ex's petition and with an Acknowledgement form which is a meagre 2 pages and composed of simple check/reply boxes, include a simply reply in each box and refer the reader to an attached statement (you can even construct the attached statement in the form of an Affidavit if you like, i.e. a sworn statement with the right wording). The statement, should be written in such a way as to make it easy to read and understand by a Judge (as they will read it at some point), set out clearly with multiple sections. Start by saying 'that you have no intention of wasting the courts time, but that if your Ex pursues her DV petition, you will cross-petition on the basis of a, b etc, each of which you briefly lay out in other sections of the statement. Those other sections need only be very skeletal reasons/explanations/arguments, but you fully leave open the door/expectation that a more detailed submission will come later. Do it this way because of the 7 day limit on responding to the Acknowledgment form. Over the next 28 days complete a full Divorce Petition of your own, with you as Petitioner and your Ex as Respondent (i.e. the complete reverse of what Ex has done), then go to the court office, pay the fee and set that Divorce Petition (now strictly the cross-petition) in motion. Now whilst, either party could go to trial and argue the toss about the 'unreasonable behaviour' of the other party, if you have other causes such as Adultery for which there is irrefutable evidence, then you will have managed to box your Ex into a corner. Foiled in this way, your Ex and her Sol, will be highly unlikely to move towards the next step, which would be a request to bring the Divorce to trial as it were...........so in effect your Ex's Divorce Petition will became dormant and remain so whilst you then proceed to deal quite separately with child care/residence.
(b) If you don't have solid cause to Divorce your Ex at this point (at 2 years separation), then DO NOT admit to Adultery, simply for the sake of it. In your Acknowledgement, say you do not admit to it, DO NOT elude to any relationship with any other party what so ever, let you Ex make the next move. If your Ex is using alleged Adultery as a cause, then in the Petition you have received, she must have included examples of it. In your Acknowledgement reply (or attached Affidavit or simple letter, whatever you choose to use) be ROBUST about demonstrating every alleged incident your Ex raised as being wrong/unfounded.

3. Next Steps-Child Care/Residence:

Now, having brought your Ex's Divorce Petition to a grinding halt/stand-still, work on the child care/residence. Start from scratch completely and ask yourself what are your aims for the benefit of your children's lives. From day one, you should always seek a fully equal shared residence and care provision of my children and all proposals you submit to the other side should always take that stance. DO NOT ever use the word CONTACT, in any conversation or written correspondence, even if the other side do, always replace it by SHARED RESIDENCE in any return letters.
- OK you’ve already been through some mediation in respect of your children and the arrangements that then came into being, BUT cast that aside initially and decide what you actually want. Do not be content simply to accept weekends with a token midweek gesture, your kids deserve a proper family life with you as much as with your Ex. That involves both weekend nights and weekday nights and your own delivery/collection of the kids from their school(s) and your face to face interaction with those schools. The idea of children ‘residing’ with mum and only sporadic contact with dad, as the ideal model for children development is total nonsense. The emotional well-being of children both short and long term and the best outcomes for children are served by substantial interaction with both parents, and that includes ‘normal’ family life experience with both parents. Children should spend substantial and ongoing periods with each parent, being put to bed by each, waking up with each, being taken to and collected from school by each etc, being involved in every aspect of a ‘normal’ family life with each parent. So look at your work schedules etc and identify periods of care/residence with you that maximize your childrens time with you. Go for as many overnight stays as you can deal with. Do not accept arguments that children need to back with Ex on an evening, simply so that they are ready for school the next day, you as a dad are fully capable of dealing with your own children and their being dropped off at school each morning. There is nothing your Ex does, that you are not fully capable of also doing, and there is nothing that dictates it is better (for the children) for your Ex to do them, than for you to do them.
- On the basis of what you have now determined, in terms of the times the children should spend with you and in your care, write this into a proposal. For example you could create a table for the next 4 weeks, with each day split into 4 columns: morning, afternoon, evening and overnight and fill it in clearly, and use colour (which Sols do not like) to also clarify each period when your children are in your care and when in your Ex’s care. Include a set of notes to clarify hand over times/arrangements. Include where ever possible, handover that is effected whilst your children are at school, for example use handover at midday, say start of school afternoon session, with your Ex say responsible up to that point and you thereafter. In practical terms this would mean your Ex taking the children to school in the morning and you collecting them at the end of the day. By setting the ‘notional’ handover to be whilst the children are at school during weekdays adds reinforcement (a) to children nominally being in your care from the handover time and (b) allows you to clearly proclaim that you seek to avoid face to face contact with your Ex at handover and any distress that might cause to your children (depending upon how badly your Ex might choose, or wish to behave on each handover occasion). To have that proclamation visible and clearly stated in front of a Judge is a useful tool to guard against any harassment allegation your Ex chooses to fabricate in relation to handover. So do this, go this route, the courts are looking for the party that has sought to instigate practical ways of avoiding parent to parent conflict. This is one such way.
- Now, if you have got time, what you really ought to do is construct a ‘Parenting Plan’ for your children, i.e. a document which deals not only with care/residence but every other matter in your childrens lives. Failing that in the first instance, you have the detailed schedule for the next four weeks that you have just constructed, so use that. Remember, here you are starting on a process, which sets out to demonstrate to a court that you are doing what a court expects of a parent. (There is a posting under the Families forum of this site which points to a Court document which sets out what the courts expects of separating/divorcing parents).
- At this point, having got your wishes laid out, you need to kick the process off. Formally write (do this by guaranteed post, not the one that guarantees a specific time and day, but the one that guarantees it’s delivery, the cheaper one, and keep a copy of your correspondence together with a copy of the receipt from the post office) to your Ex’s Sol, head it ‘Parenting Plan’ or ‘Shared Residence Schedule’ and write is as a proposal….’my proposal for the care of X & Y over the next 4 weeks is as attached, can you please confer with your client and let me know of your views by return, no later than …..’. … and keep going, say that should your Ex not be in agreement, that you would propose ‘mediation through….’ in order to reach a speedy resolution for the sake of the children’s welfare etc and ask them to confirm their acceptance/willingness to attend/enter mediation. In other words, give your Ex and Sol a document to chew over, offer to attend mediation to iron it out/resolve any differences of opinion and sit back and see whether they will agree to your proposal per se, and/or to attend mediation. Remember you are taking the attitude of starting from scratch/afresh here. If at this time and henceforth in this process, should your Ex not engage with mediation or the offer, this you can always bring to the attention of the court and you can also complain direct to LSC to have your Ex’s legal aid terminated (as that they should not be giving your Ex legal aid, where she refuses to enter mediation).
- As you are already acutely away, Sols act incredibly slowly (and in time scales which are most certainly never in the best interests of children) so give them 5 days for a response to arrive back with you. Be ready and prepared, on the fifth days write again formally to your Ex’s Sol, with an updated proposal (i.e. an explicit schedule again for a 4 week period, but now starting from the following day, the day your Ex’s Sol will receive the letter you are just about to send). Now, in the cover letter you write, also include at the start of the letter something to the effect of “further to my proposal of xxxxx in regard to yyyyyyyy, I note your failure to respond/reply confirming your clients acceptance and/or your client’s willingness to enter into mediation”. On each successive letter expand this up to list every one of your proposal letters that they have not responded to. This in many ways is an evidence building exercise which can be used to demonstrate to a court that you have been seeking to establish a proper care arrangement for your children and the other side have been deficient/non-engaging in the process.
- How long you let this process (i.e. repeat submission of proposals) go on for, depends upon what response, if any you receive back. If nothing happens or is resolved for a period of 2 months, I would then suggest you go the Court route and lodge a formal Section 8 application for a ‘Shared’ Residence Order. Include that you fully understand what the Court expects of parents, that the benefits of shared residence to children are …(get together full lists and extracts supporting shared residence – quite a task in itself), copies of your proposals made to Ex (i.e. the letter proposals etc) and their lack of willingness to engage, plus emphasise the reason you are resorting to the court is that your children are missing out on a meaningful relationship with yourself and that you are pursing this course to ensure the emotional welfare and development of your children is properly upheld/maintained.
- Also for your own purposes and that of the Court keep a full record of your children’s residence and care with you so far, and as it occurs from now on. You need days, dates, times handed over and handed back, plus anything untoward your Ex did or said and a description of what it was.

4. Interaction with Ex and accusations of threatening and abusive behaviour:

Believe me this is biggest issue you are probably facing. The simple fact that you Ex has now started making these accusations is a sure sign of the strategy that her Sol is pursuing/encouraging. Female family law Sols do this, because if they manage to make it stick, they know you have an almost impossible task of fighting the allegations off. Equally as this strategy will almost certainly involve your Ex making calls/reports to the Police about you, and because there are so many feminist woman police personnel skulking around the whole area of ‘domestic violence’, they (i.e. your Ex and her Sol) don’t then really have to make a proper case against you, the simply fact an allegation has been reported to the Police (no matter how true or not), affirms (without question) in the minds of the court that you are instantly guilty. So many dads have faced this scenario and LOST, and as a consequence you have to play the same game and in reverse and with all seriousness. You will have to consider taking the initiative and do things that you have probably never entertained doing before.
- Lets initially examine where the contact/residence of your children has been. In your posting (Jan 5th), you spelt out the days and times with you. In the letter you received from Ex on 5th it further restricted your collection to be 4pm from Ex’s parents, no matter what your shifts, rather than from school. So previously on a Wednesday when on night shifts you have handover at school and direct contact with school. I would therefore presume the school know you and has at least recognised the pattern of when you have previously collected the children. I would suggest you have a talk in person with the school and explain, that ‘as they have seen and been aware’ that on such and such occasions you have been collecting the children. Further I would advise them that the children’s mother, without agreement is now seeking to stop your usual collections and that you intend to continue to collect the children on a Wednesday as per the previous schedule. Also state you are concerned about the emotional well being of your children and you wish to safeguard them from the fall out of an impeding Divorce that your Ex has now started to try and instigate. In that way, you yourself make the school aware of the potential chaos the children are about face as a result of their mothers actions. Ask the school to be aware of, and be sympathetic to the plight of the children and that if they should notice, or have concern about any emotional distress that the children are starting to display, that they should contact you immediately. I would also put all of that in writing in a letter to the school and hand that letter to them when you speak with them (…in itself this shows to the schools your concern, they have a reference of it and you can also reproduce a copy of your letter in court to show you have been interacting with the school in a children-centric way). In parallel with that, I would write to your Ex’s Sol, include a copy of her letter of 5th (which has introduced the sanction of you not now collecting the kids from school), spell out how to date you have collected your children from school on those Wednesdays and that you fully intend to continue and to attend the school on those relevant Wednesdays and to collect the children as before. Further (and I don’t know whether your Ex’s letter of 5th included any threats or abuse) but you need to draw a line very firmly in the sand here. In this letter to Ex’s Sol, in respect of those Wednesdays when you fully intend to collect your children from school (as has been the previous norm), say something like “and in respect of those collections of XXX & YYY from school, I hereby request that your client refrains from attending the school on these occasions, nor issues any further threats whether in writing, via voice or txt media, or in person exhibit any threatening or abusive behaviour directed towards myself, or behave in any other way that causes emotional distress to children XXX & YYY . Should your client choose to exhibit any of these behaviours, in order to fully safeguard the emotional well being of my children I may find myself with little option other than instantly notify the Police of your clients actions”. So far, as far as I can make out, you’ve only had letters from your Ex, with accusations, not directly from her Sol. What you are in effect doing here is, formally throwing the accusations at the your Ex’s through her Sol, in effect getting in first before they throw them at you. It will certainly make them stop and think. Why? Because you have instantly taken the initiative. Then every time, you get anything from your Ex, a threat, abuse, anything at all, you then on each occasion write to her Sol and complain about your Ex’s behaviour, of course starting with further to my letter of….. in which I requested your client refrain from ….. and all such behaviours which cause emotional distress to XXX & YYY, I write to complain that on …. your client……. In brief you want to build up a record of a whole pattern of abusive and aggressive behaviour that your Ex has displayed. If you attend school to collect your kids on the Wednesdays immediately following this exchange of letter warning to your Ex’s Sol, I would suggest for the first couple of times, someone else also accompanies you, just so that if your Ex does turn up and tries to stop you picking up the kids, inclusive of issuing verbal abuse, you have a 3rd party witness. If you Ex does behave in this manner, DO NOT hesitate to pick the phone up instantly and call the Police and report that you are being harassed by your Ex. Always keep in mind, or in a place where you can quickly get hold of it, have a copy of the letter you wrote to Ex’s Sol asking that your Ex should refrain from attending and/or otherwise attempt to interfere with your collection of the children. You need to be cool headed with the Police, advise that you have routinely collected children for so long on those Wednesday’s and that suddenly out of then blue without discussion/agreement, mother had suddenly decided that was not now to be the case, but you had written to her Sol advising that for the time being you would continue to do so and requested that Ex did not attempt to interfere in any way that may cause any emotional distress to the children, and further that following your collection the children would be in your care until a later hand back time, as had always been the case. Police should log this as a domestic even if they do not do anything and provided you have coolly explained the situation, their record should reflect what you say. Beware, Ex could suddenly blurt out any number of accusations of threatening/abusive behaviour by yourself and that would also get noted in the Police record, but if you are cool and simply reiterate that you have attended the school today, in exactly the same way that you have done on numerous previous Wednesdays and that the children are then in your care for the next X hours, as has always been the case, and that they dropped back at your Ex’s mothers (I presume) later, as has always been the case then Police should get the right message. You could even invite them to visit you later at your place that evening to see you and the kids. Anything that gets the Police on your side and shows them that the kids are perfectly safe and happy in your care is to your advantage. One potential downside to getting the Police involved is that they may also notify Social Services every time you call them. This can work to your advantage, but can also work against you depending upon how bigoted they are. As most Social Workers are female and a large number are out and out feminists, they could take the view that anything the father does, that the mother does not immediately sanction is not in the best interests of the children. You have to watch out for this type of nonsense.
- In terms of other handovers/handbacks whether they be those on Sat/Sun, move straightaway to have them set up through a third party. In otherwords no direct face to face contact with your Ex. If not already actioned, immediately change all such handovers to be say at your Ex’s mothers or somewhere else if necessary where your Ex will not be. What you are looking to do is to stop any and every opportunity there might be for a face to face contact with your Ex arising. In that way, the ability of your Ex to then claim you were aggressive or abusive towards her at such times is removed. You must do everything to stop having any direct contact with your Ex, no txt messages, no phone calls (arrange for emergency ones to be made through her mum for example), no letters, nothing whatsoever. You have to STOP instantly any means by which your Ex can claim you harassed her. This is hard believe me, BUT you allow your Ex the slightest opportunity to hang a charge of harassment against you and she will. That is her Sol’s strategy. DO NOT BUCKLE in any way and get embroiled in it. Keep your distance ABSOLUTELY. Now, in parallel with the letter you have received from your Ex stating that you should contact her only through her Sol (which is a standard starting ploy/instruction that female Sol’s issue to their female clients), in terms of having just redefined all handovers as being through a third party (discussed above as through or at your Ex’s mums, or wherever), you should formally write to your Ex’s Sol, and state that as a result of their client’s aggressive and abusive behaviour at handover and the emotional distress that it has been causing to your children at those times, henceforth, with immediate effect handover will be as follows…..spell out precisely when your children will be collected, from where and from whom (eg your Ex’s mum or some other 3rd person) and where they will be returned to. Further ask your Ex’s Sol to advise your Ex that she should not be present not otherwise interfere with the handover of your children to the respective 3rd person. Put the boot very firmly on the foot, instruct your Ex through her Sol, that she should not attempt to converse with you in any way, other than through your Sol (if you decide to carry on using one), or via correspondence or email direct to you from her Sol (if you decide to go it alone without a Sol). IGNORE any and all correspondence received direct from your Ex.

5. Your Sol Vs Litigating in Person

The advice I am pretty sure you will get from any and every dad who has gone through all of this and similar, is that if at all possible, go the Litigate in Person (LIP) route with help and assistance from McKenzie Friend(s). It gives you the ability to retain what little if any money you may have managed to hold onto, as well as ensures (the important bit) that action that is taken by you/on your behalf ‘fight’s your corner in order to uphold and achieve the maximum care and residence of your children with you. Let a female family law Sol loose, and you will only get what female/feminists believe to the best for your children. In addition, they will not fight your corner with any vigour whatsoever, nor fight against the injustices of the family law system itself and will more often than not simply advise that you will not achieve those aims that you seek to achieve. My observation of just about every person working in family law, is that they are more interested in getting on ‘nicely’ with the family law judges etc, rather than wanting to achieve the very best outcome for their clients (namely your kids), which might require firmly upsetting the family law juggernaut. Use a Sol by all means for specific legal advice, but remember they are supposed to work for you and do what you wish. Better still, ditch your Sol, and Litigate In Person with assistance from other like minded dads/McKenzie(s).

Hope this helps….

pete-c

Another bit of follow-on advice:

6. Evidence Gathering

In respect of your Ex's potentially agressive and abusive behaviour towards yourself, start right now and construct a detailed chronology of dates and times and what your Ex said and did. Going forwards, get hold of a (smallish) tape recorder (one that you can keep in your pocket etc) and record every conversation and statement your Ex makes, every phone call she makes to you, absolutely everything, get it all on TAPE. A common trait in these battles is for the Ex to be abusive and threatening on occasions and then to disclaim it. They often believe that because there are no other witnesses, they cannot be held to account for their actions. BUT taped evidence and transcripts are admissible and can be lodged as evidence to support your case/arguments. Carry the recorder around with you at all times, you never know when something extremely useful to your cause pops up. If as you suspect your Ex is also poisoning your children's minds and this also appears to be quite common, recording of what your children might say from time to time can also be useful. You should never be saying anything detrimental about your Ex to your children, that is a definite NO NO. But if your Ex herself is engaged in 'Parential Alienation' (PAS), in other words, she is saying detrimental things about you and/or your extended family etc to the children with the effect of 'poisioning' their views of you, at some point the children will most probably make some comment or pose some question to yourself, as a direct consequence of what your Ex has been saying to them YOU MUST NEVER interrogate your children on such matters, or indeed question them about what your Ex says to them, but make a point of recording what your children say if they start to make statements/ask questions.

Jees thats some reading and thanks!

Regarding the adultary, I have been instructed by my solicitor thats unless i want things to be dragged on even longer and at more cost (already skint) im best to just admit the case regardless of not seeing anyone at the time of split (i am seeing a girl now though) she said it would not affect finacial issues or access to the kids so this is what iv done. just want the cow out of my life and thats the easiest and fastest way.

I was concerned at the time but been rest assured by my solicitor that like a lot of things adultry is not as fround upon as what it use to be!

Hi Pete,
Its good that you have been seeking the right type of advice.
Do keep posting.