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Hi this is my first time posting and am quite upset so hope there is some advice out there for me.
On New Years Eve my partner of 5years told me out of the blue she wanted me to leave. We have a 4 year old son whom I adore. She gave me no reason for the split just said she didn't love me any more and wanted me to move out of our jointly rented home.
She suffers from depression so I gave it a couple if days and tried to discuss it with her but she refuses to talk. She kept telling me to leave and I explained reasonably that I was jointly on the tenancy agreement, had nowhere to go, did not want to leave my son, could not afford to go having just paid the bills for the coming month. She then threatened me saying she would call the police if I did not go and would tell them I had hit her and that would make me get out. She also started sending threatening text messages to my mother saying I was 'pissing her off' by not leaving and that if I didn't leave she would call the police.
I then said I like to have my son live with me. to be honest as she has been quite unstable in the last couple of weeks and I have recorded some of the things she has said. Her own mother said she is 'messed up'. She has changed her hair colour, clothing style and had her tongue pierced all in the space of 5 days. She gets quite irritable with our son and spends hours on the sofa texting on her phone.
It now transpires she has been seeing someone else behind my back hence the split. I don't know much about him except he is also a depression sufferer, a pretty random bit of information for her to tell me!
Today around 11am I was due to meet a mate for a chat as this has been getting me down. As I was leaving she said I had to take our son with me as if not she was going to meet her new boyfriend and would take our son with her to meet him too. I took my son out with me but when I got back she was still out. Later this evening I got a text from her saying she was staying the night with this man and would be back in the morning. She only works part time on Thursday and Friday but I work full time and I have to leave for work at 7.30 in the morning.
Sorry for the long post but does anyone think I have a chance to get custody?. I could change my work hours to get him to nursery etc and her behaviour is upsetting him as well as me. I feel she is rubbing my nose in it and doesn't care about our son by staying out as she did.
Thanks for any advice
Firstly Iβm so sorry to hear what you are going through. Secondly you will find a wealth of information on here regarding what your rights are and how to proceed with things as they start turning nasty.
Try not to bottle things up, this site is sometimes a good place to vent off when it gets too much. Many of us here are going through or have gone through similar in our lives and find help by talking things through with others in similar situations.
Regarding what chance you have in getting residency I would certainly recommend going and seeing a solicitor for a free consultation β some if not most solicitors offer a free 30min where you can find out more about what you should or shouldnβt doβ¦β¦or try the CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau).
I would also contact the police now β do not hesitate!β¦..explain the situation, explain the threats you received off your ex about leavingβ¦..DO IT NOW!....donβt wait for the next argument cos that one I will tell you will almost certainly escalate and if she calls the police its automatically the mother who is believed! Ask them to log itβ¦and not to take actionβ¦ tell them that you want it logging as you are worried what depths she will sink to and fear for your safety! Yes youβre a man but we men have rights to protect ourselves from false allegations that will go drag out any custody battle!!
The reason isβ¦.in 2008 I was asked and then told by my ex to leave following an argument about me calling her βstupidβ I actually said βdonβt talk f*cking stupidββ¦. This was after a visit to my parents about a comment my mother said that my ex thought meant something else!
Anyway we argued about itβ¦she threatened meβ¦I argued moreβ¦she told me she wanted me away from herβ¦.i refused to leaveβ¦.argument got worseβ¦.i still refused to leaveβ¦.i even had her mother around to try and calm her down but that didnβt workβ¦.finally I told her she was stupid and pathetic and stupidly said if she wanted me to go I would be taking our child with meβ¦β¦.all [censored] broke loose on saying that and she phoned the police telling them I was scaring her (in front of her mother!!) they turned upβ¦I refused to leaveβ¦she sat there all smug knowing sheβd got the first strike in!!!
In the following months we patched out rocky relationship up someβ¦.but I was so nervous and scared to go against her that I just did everything she said or I was instructed to do by her.
This was a mistake and it took me another 18mth to finally pluck up the courage to leave her and my child ο at the end of 2009. Iβve told my full story elsewhere on here and wonβt go in to it hereβ¦.and Iβve witnessed the depths my ex has gone to!
What Iβm getting at is you need to protect yourself right nowβ¦.if sheβs threatened to use the police then she is going to realise that all she has to do is call them telling them you have hit herβ¦.itβll take you a lot longer to get them to believe you than it will for them to believe her!!
Trust meβ¦..and think of this: How difficult is it to mark yourselfβ¦I mean say hit yourself in the face with anything that will leave a mark????? Then its your word against hersβ¦.and sheβs the one with the mark/bruising!!! Just think about it for a moment!
Iβm sure there will be many here who have already experienced similar who will be able to offer better advice than I can.
Keep your chin upβ¦.and do not leave the house or your child with her!
Hi there and welcome π
This is a very stressful time for you and your little boy and things may get worse before they get better. Its good to be prepared for this and often if you expect the worse, then anything less is a bonus.
I advise you to start a Diary of everything that happens, for instance what has just transpired with her staying out. Keep all txts, your mums too, and try and note down all conversations with her. also any instances where your son is affected and his reactions etc. I also think its a good idea to contact the police and have a word with them about her threats to get you arrested for violence, her unstable behaviour , leaving the home and not returning,and your fears for your son and yourself and as dad-i-d advises, ask them to log your call incase the situation escalates.
You could also call the Social Services and have a chat with them about her erratic behaviour and threats, and your concerns for your son if left with her. They may not seem interested but the reason for your call is simply to get your concerns logged, so make sure you ask them to make a note of your conversation with them. Maybe a chat with your sons Health Visitor might be a good idea too.
You could also try mediation, this would give you the opportunity to talk the issues through with her and it might make her realize that the situation is far more complex than just getting you to leave....you are in your sons life for good and she needs to acknowledge the importance of this, and you both need to work together in your sons best interests. Heres a link to the Mediation service ~
www.nfm.org.uk
The more she stays out and leaves her son with you the more chance you have of getting custody of him if it goes to court at some point in the future. Custody battles can get pretty nasty and there usually has to be some serious risk/ abuse to the child for the father to be awarded custody, thats the reason that its important you document everything because it will all help to illustrate the mothers inability to care....staying out night after night and being in a relationship with a depressive are all signs of this.
Good luck with it and we are here if you need to talk π
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