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Not sure where the best place is for this post, could the moderators please help or move this to the correct place.
I split with my ex March 2012. We were together 4 years, she has two boys from two previous relationships and we have a daughter who is only 23 months old. We seperated when my daughter was 3 months this was because my ex is a gambling addict and gets stoned all day every day. My ex stopped me seeing my daughter so we went through the process of mediation then court and a order was agreed back in april this year. I should have my daughter Friday 9am till Saturday 7pm one week then Friday 9am till Sunday 3pm the next. It is also ageed for me to have a full week 3 times a year. I have been paying maintenence all along and even back dated it when it was set up, this is paid monthly by direct debit.
I have several issues, firstly i am concerned about my ex partners mental health and her capability to mother my daughter and her two boys. As i said she is a gambling addict, she turns online bingo on from the moment she wakes and plays till she can't stay awake. She says she spends £20 a week but i suspect it is a lot more. She smokes canabis on a daily basis.
She has told me that she was growing canabis in her house last year, but fell out with the bloke she was doing it with and he turned up on her door step trying to kick her door in and then barge past her to collect his growing equipment. The kids were living there at the time and in the house when this happened.
She recently had a visit from social services because a neighbour was concerned about the welfare of the kids and that they thought her new boyfriend was dealing from the house. The statement she recieved after which i have read says she once left the house with my daughter being watched by her new boyfriend who was drinking and getting stoned with a friend and that they both just laughed when my daughter fell over.
I have recently been having my daughter ever day once i wake up from sleeping after working nights and all weekend. When she dropped my daughter off in the week she was very angry and said she was fed up with my daughter and both boys and wished she had never had kids. She expressed that she wishes she could go out more and live her life and was excited to be going to a friends party to drink get stoned and to take cocain that week end.
Yesterday she dropped my daughter off. She stank my living room out with the smell of canabis and when she had gone i had to bath and change my daughter as she stank of canabis.
She claimed to cascaf in the court process and to social services that she only smokes at night when the kids are in bed. This is a lie as she smokes all the time even when the kids are in the same room. She also smokes and drives with all 3 kids in the car.
And when i have dropped my daugter off i have noticed she is always very angry at both boys, showing no patience for them often talking to them through gritted teeth.
I don't know what to do! I feel she is one incident away from a disaster. I am worried if i contact social services and they visit her nothing will be done and they will either tell her it was me or she will realise from what is said that it was from me and she will punish me by only letting me see my daughter at the order times which could make her even worse because she cant cope now. I am worried if i tell the police about her driving she will know its me and again punish me.
I'm really not sure what to do?
Also i pay maintence every month for my daughter. After paying this and my bills to live i cannot afford to do anything. I sometimes have to borrow money to eat. I take my daughter swimming every week and this is all i can afford to do. Yet my ex can afford to spend money on bingo every week, she can afford to spend money on drugs every week, she goes out every week. She has recently been dressing my daughter in clothes with holes in. She does nothing with the kids. She is also doing the occasional cash in hand job to top up her benifits which she lives off. Is there any circumstances where i can keep the money i pay so i can spend it straight on my daughter?
Any help or ideas would be great, thanks! And please feel free to ask any questions to find out any more information to help.
Dear Carl
Thank you for your post.
It is important to establish whether you have Parental Responsibility for your daughter. You would have this if :
• You were married to the mother;
• You are named on the birth certificate and child was born after 1st December 2003
• If the birth has been re-registered after 1st December 2003.
• If you have a Parental Responsibility agreement with the mother;
• If you have a Parental Responsibility Order from the court;
• If you have a Residence Order from the court
Parental Responsibility is defined in s.3(1) Children Act 1989 as being: "all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authority which by law a parent of a child has in relation to the child and his property".
Practically Parental Responsibility means that both parties should consult and consent on issues such as schooling, medical issues, change of name, removal from the jurisdiction and other major issues concerning the child.
If you do not Parental Responsibility we would strongly recommend that you obtain this. You can obtain Parental Responsibility through the following routes:
• You can negotiate with the mother to obtain Parental Responsibility through an agreement. This form is entitled a PRA1. The form requires both parties consent
• You can re-register the birth certificate. This again would require mother’s consent.
• If mother does not consent you can apply for a Parental Responsibility Order. The form required is a C1.
• You can apply for a Residence Order and will gain Parental Responsibility this way.
We would advise that if you do have welfare concerns that you do contact your local Children's Services to voice your concerns. They can then investigate the matter accordingly.
We do understand your concerns with regards to mother reverting back to the terms of the Order. We would advise however that you consider making one of the following applications:
1) You could make an application for a variation of the current Contact Order to reflect the contact that you are currently receiving.
2) You could make an application for a Residence Order to secure residence of your daughter. If you wish to, you could apply for a Residence Order for the two boys as well but would require leave of the Court to do so.
To make either of the above applications you would need to complete a form entitled C100. This form can be obtained from www.justice.gov.uk. There is a fee for this form and we would advise that you check this with your local Family Proceedings Court. We would also advise that you complete a form entitled C1A which is a supplementary details form for any welfare concerns that you may have. If you wish to require for Residence of the two boys as well then the form required for leave of the Court is a C2. If you are eligible for a fee exemption the form required for this is a EX160A.
Once you have completed the application form you need to hand it in to the local Family Proceedings Court closest to where the child resides along with the relevant fee and the Court will then contact you with a hearing date. You will then need to ensure that the mother has a copy of your application and is aware of the imminent hearing date. The Court will detail how to do this to you.
During the Court proceedings, the Court will consider the Welfare Checklist. This is a list of factors that the Court considers when making any decision and includes:
1. the ascertainable wishes and feelings of the child concerned (considered in the light of his age and under-standing)
2. his physical, emotional and educational needs
3. the likely effect of any change in his circumstances
4. his age, [censored], background and any characteristics of his which the court considers relevant
5. any harm which he has suffered or is at risk of suffering
6. how capable each of his parents, and any other person in relation to whom the court considers the question to be relevant, is of meeting his needs
7. the range of powers available to the court
Should you require any further legal advice please do not hesitate to contact us via our freephone advice line available Monday to Friday 8am to 8pm on 0808 8020 008.
Yours sincerely
CORAM CHILDREN’S LEGAL CENTRE
Hi Carl
Thank you for your post. I am William the Child Maintenance Options. You have mentioned that you currently pay child maintenance for your daughter and you are worried about your ex-partner’s mental health. You feel your daughter and her brothers are not being cared for appropriately by their mother. You have expressed your concerns over consequences of reporting your daughter’s mother to the Social Services as this may affect your current arrangement. Only you can make this decision as to whether you can report her or not.
In regards to the contact of your daughter, you may wish to follow the information provided by the Children Legal Centre in regards to parental responsibility for your daughter.
You have mentioned that after you have paid your child maintenance, you do not have enough money to live on. You have not mentioned what type of arrangement you have in place.
If your child maintenance arrangement is a family-based arrangement, this is where you can your daughter’s mother agree who will provide what for your daughter. There are no strict rules or formulas that you have to stick when calculating your payments. It can include money and other kinds of support, for example providing clothing or child care. Family-based arrangements are not legally binding, however they are quick, easy and flexible to change as your daughter grows.
We have useful tools and guides on our website like our family-based arrangement form which is not legally enforceable but can help you put your arrangement on a more formal basis. You can download this and other useful guides at www.cmoptions.org.
If your child maintenance was worked out through the services of the Child Support Agency (CSA). We do not have access to any details they hold about you or your case. You will need to contact them directly to discuss your concerns. You can find details of how to contact them via any letters they have sent you or the following link: http://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance provides their contact details.
If you have a Consent Order/ Minute of Agreement in place for child maintenance, you may wish to seek legal advice or consult the solicitor who originally started the proceedings to see where you stand. You may wish to look at the following link: http://find-legal-advice.justice.gov.uk/ to find a mediator in your area.
To find out more about how Child Maintenance Options can help you visit http://www.cmoptions.org or call us free on 0800 988 0988 between 8am and 8pm Monday to Friday or 9am and 4pm on Saturday.
I hope this helps.
William
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