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Hi guys, well its been a little time since I have posted.
I just wanted to let you all know whats happened.
So, October 2016, my son (now 7) was removed from his mothers care due to ongoing neglect, recent suicide attempts in front of him, self hair & severe mental health problems. This was not to mention the massive alcohol problem.
I instigated the court procedure under an emergency order. Ive never been entitled to Legal Aid and Ive never had anyone represent me. it was a very challenging period, stressful & worrying.
The court ordered a hearing where mother must attend, she clearly turned up and stated she had no issues. Court ordered children's services to become involved. A social worker from Children's services was completely on Mother's side. Final Court order in April 2017 let to being shared care, 1 week at Mother's & 1 week with me & my wife. Children's services didnt recognise any problems with the Mother except that she had lied yet still suggested shared care. Fast forward a few weeks & mother rings me telling me that she can't cope. More breakdowns, more alcoholic episodes which resulted in my son coming back in to my care. I return the matter to court & the Judge insists that he will be the judge that sees this through to the end. He was in my opinion absolutely fantastic! Court ordered that this time CAFCASS were to become involved. CAFCASS identified literally every single problem the Mother had/has. Contact was 3 times a week and every weekend for a period of time until the next Court case. The Mother didn't turn up at Court, later resulting in someone providing the court with pictures she had shared on social media of her face being beaten up by her then boyfriend. The judge ordered that ALL contact between my son & her was to cease until further notice. This was in August 2017. Obviously with the involvement of CAFCASS, they left no stone unturned and it further turned out that she hadn't been beaten up at all. She had infact attacked her boyfriend who had pushed her away in self defence and she had caused these quite catastrophic injuries herself!! What was more interesting was that myself and my wife knew when this was due to be in Court, so we went as a member of the public. Very interesting!!
Anyway.. contact had not resumed with Mother until December 2017, supervised for 1 hour per week! This continued until January 2018. Contact became less supervised and a group of people paid visits to son & Mother to make sure everything was 'ok'. During all of this, Mother was strictly told no alcohol the day before having my son & no alcohol during. My wife requested PR as she is a main carer, Mother refuses point blank the whole way through.
So, we fast forward some more until May 2018. The final court hearing. Everyone was on tenterhooks, Mother wanted son back but was making no effort. Myself & my wife (who is the main carer for son) were worried. So, this is what happened :
Judge orders son to live with me & my wife permanently, naming my wife in the order and therefore giving her as much responsibility as myself & his Mother.
Son to see Mother, one day after school every week. indirect contact once a week and Fri-Sun every other weekend. Literally exactly what we had proposed. Mother is also to continue until son is 18 to not consume alcohol for the day before and during contact with son. Apparently this is quite rare but none the less it was granted.
So, this was May. We are now in July, contact had whittled down to every other weekend which was expected as she literally cannot be bothered at all to make any effort. She continues to drink while son is there but myself & my wife have to weigh up the risks if son is in any danger before returning to court and so far he hasn't been (give it time!)
Indirect contact is still once a week.
Behaviour of son has been like a rollercoaster, as you would expect. In 2 years he has been through so much and has had little help other than from me & his step mum who he literally worships! He has had a bad time at school and has started to settle down. Thus making life difficult for his Mother but ok with us. Im of the attitude that 'good, she deserves it!' I know thats wrong but we have had such a hard time with all of this.
I have a few questions though if anyone can help?
Obviously we have a child arrangements order now which is in place until son is 18. Myself & my wife have planned to take all the children away on holiday and they know nothing. I have to give 1 months notice which I plan to do exactly 1 month before we go. Mother is not losing any physical contact but indirect contact falls between this time. Is it reasonable of me to stipulate that during this time I will not be able to facilitate a phone call due to being abroad? Or must I comply because of the court order? Obviously, i am not trying to be difficult but taking the children on a well deserved holiday means that we can escape from the stresses of everyday life and unfortunately for her, she is one of those stresses 😆 I was going to suggest that upon our return she would be able to call then. Would this be OK?
The drinking, obviously that must remain as part of the court order because the whole court process has kinda revolved around that. I am at a loss as to what to do about her keep doing it though. From what I gather, she is drinking in 'moderation' but still continues to even though she knows not to. She is very good at trying to hide it and has on occasion even let my son try 'lime juice' (the same brand as we have) and he said it was fizzy and tasted disgusting! I dont want to be returning to court for every little thing but if any of you have any tips that would be great 🙂
Lastly, I would like to thank Mojo, without your help at times I think I would have gone barmy! I literally had no idea where to start but you helped when you really didn't need to at all. The rest of you, thank you for your continued support.
Dads like us can achieve what we need to for the sake of our kids, if we push hard enough. To anyone in my position the only advice I would give is to do lots of research and NEVER EVER give up!
Hi There,
I would say with regards to the drinking keep a log of every time you know or suspect she has been drinking, this wouldn't evidence, but if and when you feel it's getting too much you can review the list and make a decision, I would keep a close eye on it as I would imagine it could get out of hand quickly and as she has a history, if and when you decided to return to court, I would think that if it was proven they would make her have supervised visits.
It sounds as though you have come a long way, well done, it does show that things are changing and that it's not all in favour of the mother any more
GTTS
Hi There,
I would say with regards to the drinking keep a log of every time you know or suspect she has been drinking, this wouldn't evidence, but if and when you feel it's getting too much you can review the list and make a decision, I would keep a close eye on it as I would imagine it could get out of hand quickly and as she has a history, if and when you decided to return to court, I would think that if it was proven they would make her have supervised visits.
It sounds as though you have come a long way, well done, it does show that things are changing and that it's not all in favour of the mother any more
GTTS
It certainly has, I think justice prevailed when she used the Local police force on her side to get her ex boyfriend done for assault and it was proven she was a liar. That didn't bode well at all. Obviously the Judge was kept informed on what happened on that case too.
I certainly will do, Ive kept a diary so far. Its like being in between a rock and a hard place. So far, there have been no big problems but she is drinking.
What would your opinion be on the phone call GTTS?
Your case and result sounds a lot like my own from almost 15 years ago. My ex was granted contact initially twice a month, but I went back to court to get that varied to once per month as my ex couldn't be bothered to turn up - that variation was granted, but even that was too much and after a few months, she stopped coming at all. She had the same condition placed of not drinking 24 hours before contact, but I had the advantage that contact was in a contact centre, supervised at first and then supported, so if they suspected she was under the influence, then they wouldn't have allowed contact to go ahead.
If you think she might be drinking, then you could insist that someone independent supervises handover, and that if they think she's been drinking, then you won't allow contact and if it happens a couple of times, then go back to court as you are concerned with the safety of your son, and you would need to go back to court quickly to preempt her from going back for enforcement.
Sounds so familiar with my case! Thank you for responding.
Well she is not turning up drunk, but my son is pointing out in supermarkets "Thats what Mummy was drinking" and it seems that she only has a couple of glasses but when son is in bed who knows whats happening. He is not hurt and thats the main thing.
Im still stumped as to what to do with the phone call if anyone can give me some advice on that?
I would give her 5 or 6 weeks notice, not a month, just so that it doesn't look as though you are making it difficult, after all, there isn't a great deal she can do. And at the same time, I would offer to arrange an alternative date for the phone call, either just before you go, or just after you get back. That way, you've given her an alternative which means she doesn't have a leg to stand on in court if she tries to go back there - a court would expect that it would be reasonable for you to go on holiday.
Thank you. It is noted within the Court order that 1 months notice is to be given on all foreign holidays. thats why I said 1 month.
Thank you once again, 🙂
When they say one month, I think the spirit of the order is that it is at least a month - it might look better if you uphold the spirit of the order, and not stick to the letter of the order. I just looks as though you are being reasonable, which will always look better for you if you are back in court for any reason.
Hi Sporadic
Well we’ve been on a long hard road, but I’m so happy that the truth came out in the end and you had a strong and fair judge that recognised the importance of judicial continuity.
As for your questions, if you’re concerned about the continued drinking, you could write directly to the judge that had made the final order and ask if the case can be returned to court to address this. You could suggest that she does a breathalyser test on pick up and drop off. You would do that by writing “FOR THE ATTENTION OF: (name of judge) along the top of the email or letter, underneath your names and case number.
The judge has the discretion to return a case to court and as its only been a couple of months, he may agree to it.
Regardless of what you decide to do, it’s something that you need to monitor, as her drinking could spiral out of control at any time.
As far as the telephone call, I’d say give her ordered notice, but offer her a call just before you leave and one as soon as you return, putting it in writing.
Have a wonderful holiday and all the best
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