[Solved] Aftermath of an unsuccessful mediation

Hi there

Yes she can, it doesn't necessarily follow that because mediation was attempted that any allegations are likely to be false. Mediation isn't optional and has to be tried before a court application can be made.

Which of you was it that contacted mediation in the first place? If it was her, you could make the point that she must have wanted to arrange contact to have instigated mediation in the first place, but it's a fairly loose arguement and if court happens, I doubt it would make any difference at that point. Once in court they will want to carry out interviews with you both and do safeguarding checks... it's part of the process.

thank you for your advice.

My partner approached mediation first and she agreed it was a good idea by text but then verbally told him that she wont be budging on her terms that she is offering (which is a couple of hours per week visitation). She actually called the mediation and made sure she booked her appointment in before his.

We think that she is gonna play along with mediation and draw it out for as long as possible (he has been told it could take 4/5 sessions) so that he won't get to see his child in that time then he will have to apply for court which could take another 6 weeks - by that time it could be up to 4 months without seeing his child.

If she is proving to be unco-operative in the first join mediation session can the court papers be signed then? We don't want to waste precious time and money but then will it look like he's being unco-operative?

He has taken care of his child for 3-5 days per week for the last 2/3 years. Suddenly she has refused to let him take their child on his set days (verbally agreed) and packed in loads of classes and activities so that now their child is only free on the days he works. She has given no reason for the change but is ultimately being controlling by saying "Ill let you know when is free" and " has swimming on that morning, we both have to make sacrifices so they can learn". We are both totally devastated to be cut out of the childs life so suddenly. My partner is now not informed of anything unless he texts and asks.

I think she thinks that because she is still offering him some time, that she is not doing anything wrong. And by him not being able to come, then its his choice not to see the child?

I guess we were wondering what kind of things she might pull out in court to delay the case? Their has been no history of violence or any criminal activities. Apart from handing over the child they do not socialise or follow each other on social media so I don't see why she would pull out something like drinking or drugs. They have been separated for 3 years and live completely separate lives, Both their texting has been argumentative at times but I wouldn't say it was abusive or harassing. Hes never bombarded her with texts or calls. I have been on the scene for almost a year now, with my partner moved in 6 months ago, his child has their own bedroom and enjoys spending time at our house. Up until this sudden change she was asking us to take the child on extra days to cover her work shifts, we had to say no to a few, which could maybe explain her behaviour.

We are both just hurting now. Child is just 4 but has another year til school starts.

The only legal requirement is that both parties attend the MIAM.

If you have strong reasons to believe mediation is just being used as a delay tactic, then simply move straight on to court.

I would suggest your partner try to put the question in no unclear terms:

"What are your concerns and what can I do so that my time with my child can return to normal ?"

If there is no clear answer, there's no point in dragging it out over 4 or 5 mediation sessions. Remember that this sudden change can be unsettling for the child.

Also be prepared that usually a number of allegations will start appearing after this. It's better to resolve things outside of court when possible. But if it's not possible, delays will only harm the child.

It's always best to go into mediation with an open mind and to have a good idea of what agreement you would like., but I don't agree that it should take 4-5 sessions. Unless she can give a good reason for stopping contact so suddenly and agree to re start it immediately, I would say mediation isn't appropriate.

To stop such a good level of contact suddenly must be confusing and upsetting for the child and I would want to see a resumption of something like the same amount, otherwise I would be firm and state that the sudden cessation of contact is damaging to your child and in light of that you don't think mediation is appropriate and ask the mediator to sign the form to enable an application to court.

It's often the case that a new partner on the scene can be the reason for a mother to start creating problems with contact for the father, do you think this might be the case.

As I said before, if it goes to court, they will look into both backgrounds for any previous involvement with police or the Social Services. It's common for allegations to be made and the court will take a cautious approach whilst they're looking into them, but unless there's proof to back them up the court it's likely they will ignore them and look to get contact back on track.

All the best

It could be a number of possibilities...him moving in with me...him saying that he couldn't look after his child when it was her days and she demanded he come and take the child...maybe she feels like she's lost a bit of control over him or all of the above.

We have hit a bit of a brick wall now - mediation say that the first joint appointment will be in a 3/4 week wait!!!

He asks her every few days if he can see after nursery but the child is always at activities and not finished til 8.30pm .

We now have evidence that she has organised other people to pick up from nursery and look after them til shes finished work even though he is available to take the child.

He asked why he couldn't see his child or why they are not allowed to come to our house anymore - she told him that she doesn't trust him anymore because he organised mediation behind her back and that shes not ready to take that step of letting the child sleepover and she wants to work up to it, as soon as he makes himself available on the day she wants him to take the child for a few hours.

Its all very controlling and we feel very helpless.

Hello stacylee,

A particular approach used can work for some but not others.

My Son's Ex partner has a controlling personality at the time she denied him access to his children and engaged in total untruths and vicious hostility towards him. Being a "no nonsense" family and with there being no welfare / safe guarding issues regarding my Son (or any of us in the family) we pursued the legal route as she was incapable of being reasonable and added to that was using the children as bargaining tools as she viewed them as being her sole possessions.

My Son attended mediation before his Ex and at that first meeting with the mediator was given the form which enabled him to make an application to the court. The Ex never had the opportunity to attend mediation. I understand she was extremely annoyed by this. Why? I suspect she was stopped dead in her tracks as I believe mediation would have given her a platform to continue to manipulate the situation that prevailed at that time. Control was taken away from her.

The legal process began. All checks were done. CAFCASS interviewed both parents. Hearings were held before a District Judge who was very astute and could see what was happening, the personality traits, attitude and behaviour of each parent. A good result was achieved and hopefully a valuable lesson learnt by the mother.

You could phone round other mediators and see if you can get a quicker appointment, or you could talk to the mediator you're already involved with and ask for them to sign the form as the mother is already refusing to negotiate and is withholding contact completely, so that you are very worried about the child's well being.

You can also try and make an urgent application, mediation isn't mandatory when making an urgent application. You could cite, sudden cessation of contact and concerns fr the child's well being.

I would be concerned that a child of pre school age is enrolled into so many activities that go on into the evening...8.30 being far too late for a child that's so young.

Hi There,
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Mojo has mirored my initial thoughts above that a child of 4 would be in activities until 8:30pm, that doesn't seem right to me and is possibly excuses.
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I would be careful of the messages every couple of days asking to see as it may give the ex an angle to go for a non molestation order if she feels that she can say she is being harrased, I know that hard as he wants to see but if she goes that route it will slow things down as the judges will sometimes want the non mol case handled before they will look at the case.
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I think as Mojo has also said it may be worth looking into court options and get that moving, especially if he has txt saying that she isn't prepaired to move on what she has offered as this will hopefully help the judge in looking into your case as one that won't be resolved through mediation.
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GTTS

Thanks for the advice.

The problem is she is not completely ceasing contact but only offering hours that she knows he cant do or shes saying you can see for on hour...even tho it takes him 30mins to drive to our house from hers - so controlling the contact so he doesn't have time to bring to our house.

What are our chances of an urgent application and how do they verify if its urgent? do you pay the £215 to submit it and wait for a verdict? do you lose the money if its not urgent?

Most of the time she tells him verbally over the phone that she wont be budging from the new routine that she has created. She knows not to say these things in writing.

We do have a few texts saying the new routine wont be changing / full time nursery wont be changing / a letter from her lawyer with the proposed times of 1-4pm on Sunday afternoon / and one text saying he has to work around *** activities and she'll let him know if/when an opportunity arises for him to spend time with his child. Would this be enough evidence for urgency?

Hi there

Ah ok, as she's offering some contact, it's unlikely an urgent application would be allowed, but a mediator should take on board the fact that she is refusing to negotiate and sign the C100 form, to enable you to apply without having to go to mediation first. I'd phone round a few and find one that's willing to do that, but they will charge.