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I was with my ex-partner for 8 years. She had 2 young boys (age 1 and 3) when we first got together. They were from her previous relationship with a violent, abusive control freak. Over the years we went through the process of custody and I raised them as my own. A few years later we had a Daughter together. The boys Father eventually gave up on seeing them and had no contact with them for several years but the eldest Son (referred to as M for ease of reference) still wanted to see his Father. During that time I split from their Mother and have been very lucky in that we sorted contact arrangements between ourselves and I get to see my Daughter 3 or 4 nights a week. About 6 months ago M ran away to live with his Father. Even though his Mum has custody of him she did not fight to get him back, the reasoning being that if she got him back he would only run again possibly putting himself in danger. M has made it quite clear that he wants nothing to do with his Mother. However, we were still in touch as I still care for him like a Son and wanted him to know that he always has someone to talk to. About 2 months ago M attempted suicide and ended up in hospital. We communicated several times as I wanted to make sure he was okay. His Mother was aware of this and was okay with it. It then became clear that it was his Father messaging me and not M and I ceased communications.
Over Christmas my ex informed M that she had put his Christmas money into a bank account until he was 18 and would do this for all Christmases/Birthdays. This then prompted M to get in touch to ask if he could have the money. We believe this to be his Father posing as M to get the money. He was then informed that he could not have the money until he was 18 and that the account had been changed out of his name so he could not access it. In the last few days my ex-partner was arrested, charged and bailed on allegations of sexual abuse and rape against M. Her other Son (12) and my Daughter (8) were both removed from her care pending an investigation and she is not allowed unsupervised access to the children and they have had to move out of their family home. My Daughter spends a lot of time at mine but I work full time so she also stays with her Grandparents. As much as I would love to take her full time during this matter I cannot as I need to work to provide a roof over her head and I would like to contribute to her Mothers legal costs. It must be pointed out that I do not believe these allegations in any way, shape or form. M's Father has put us through this before several years ago when he reported me for Child Abuse and it took us 6 months of going through the system for my name to be cleared and for myself to be allowed back into the family home.
However, as these charges are of a sexual nature it is far more serious and it is not something I am experienced with. I cannot talk to friends about this and approaching the subject matter with family is very delicate so I am not sure who I can speak to about this matter. I need to know what the possible outcomes would be, the worst case scenario to best, what happens to my Daughter etc so any help, advice or even just being pointed in the right direction of where to get advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Worried, and welcome to the forum.
I have to say that the way you are supporting your ex is very good, Where to begin with the situation you are in is tricky. I think the best I can do to start off with, is to ask the Family Rights Group to pop on and see if they can give any assistance, so [please keep checking back here.
Hang on in there, at the very least we're here to listen.
We have had our ups and downs but she has never stopped me from seeing my Daughter. if you ask my Daughter (as social services did) she will say that she lives with Mummy and Daddy and has 2 of everything! I don't believe for one second that the allegations are true and am 100% behind my ex. I think that M is a very confused boy with issues that need looking into and his father is very manipulative. I only hope that the truth comes out in the end and he gets the help that he needs.
Dear Worried1979,
I am an advisor from Family Rights Group. We give advice about children’s services (new name for social services). I am sorry to hear that you and your family have had such a distressing time. You say that you are separated from Mum and now the children have been removed from Mum due to allegations of sexual abuse made by M (the eldest child).
Your daughter has been placed with grandmother and you continue to have shared care or contact with her.
Child protection Investigation
I won’t go into a lot of detail about what happens in a child protection investigation. For more information, you can look at our advice sheet on child protection
Briefly, due to the allegations of sexual abuse, a “joint†investigation (between the police and children’s services would have started).
The police will be making a decision as to whether there is enough evidence to pursue a conviction against your partner in the criminal court. They will be liaising with children’s services throughout their investigation. Even if the police decide that there is not enough evidence and then close their case against mum, children’s services may still be involved in assessing the family and deciding whether it is safe to return the children to her.
Children’s services are concerned with the safety and wellbeing of the children. To find out how safe the children will be with mum they carry out assessments which should be completed within set timescales.(See advice sheet above).
It is very important that that you and Mum cooperate with children’s services during the investigation. For example, until Mum has been given the all clear –you have to assume that Mum may be a risk to the children and comply with any agreement about mum only having supervised contact.
As Dad, you have the right to be kept informed about the child protection investigation, and you should be able to contact the social worker on a regular basis. Make sure your details (such as telephone number and address) are written on your daughters file. Remind the social worker that you want to be kept fully informed and involved in any decisions they make about your daughter. Also ask for timescales. How long will the investigation go on for? What are the possible outcomes?
Ask the social worker what is the “legal arrangement†for the children? Are they “looked after� (which means there will be regular reviews about the children’s plan-such as contact with parents, the education and health needs of the children). You are able to attend the reviews.
If they are “Looked after†then please have a look at out advice sheet about this here
duties owed when children are in the care system
Possible Outcomes –best and worse case scenarios
1)Return the children to Mum
You asked about all of the possible outcomes for the children. Briefly, at the end of the child protection investigation-hopefully the children will be returned to Mum-if it is safe to do. At this point she will want to make sure that she and the children are assessed for support to help the children adapt back to living with her.
2)The children live with you or a family member or if no one available foster care
If it is decided that is not safe to return the children to Mum-then children’s services will want to ensure that the children are in a safe place for the long term. Either they will suggest that you or another relative or someone with connection (such as grandmother) seek an order from the court-such as a residence order. This will give parental responsibility to make decisions about the children and will say who the children are to live with. The court will also deal with other issues such as contact.-how much, should it be supervised, where will it take place?
Alternatively, after other avenues have been explored, they may consider care proceedings. This is when they apply to court for an interim care order to give them parental responsibility so that they can make decisions about the children’s lives- such as where they will live. During the proceedings, the court will look at the evidence about harm to the children. An order can only be granted by a court if it is proved that the children have suffered or at risk of suffering serious harm. Again-the court will be looking to decide where the children are to live either back with mum with you or any other relative before living with a stranger foster carer. Adoption is unlikely given the ages of the children. Here is a link to an advice sheet on care proceedings
care proceedings
This is just a general overview and in most circumstances if mum or dad cannot care for children then children services look to the extended family and friends’ network to care for the children.
If you want more detailed advice please post back and answer the following questions:
• Are there any court proceedings in respect of the children or did you or Mum agree to the children being removed from mothers care?
Do you have parental responsibility for your daughter? Here is our advice sheet about parental responsibility parental responsibility
•
• Have you signed any written agreement with children’s services about this situation?
• Are the children’s names on a Child Protection plan?
Kind regards,
Family Rights Group
family rights group
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