[Solved] Advice please

Hi and welcome to the site,

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. Your decision can't have been easy and it must have been incredibly stressful for you.

I think you have done the right thing regarding the welfare of your daughter, but can I ask what is the situation regarding the mother's other child? The 16 year old? Is he still living with his mother?

I assume that you have Parental Responsibility for your daughter. Does your name appear on her birth certificate?

I would usually advise that you firstly initiate mediation with the mother, but I'm not sure that's going to be particularly productive and I think it may be wise to discuss your concerns with childrens/ social services.

You do have the option to apply for a Residence Order. A Residence Order would legally recognise you as the Resident Parent. Given the current situation I think you have a very good chance of getting one. A Residence Order can be applied for through the following process; an application can be made by filling out a C100 form. This form can be obtained through a Local Family Proceedings Court or through the www.justice.gov.uk website.

You will also be required to attach a £200 fee to this form, once you have filled in the application and attached the fee please hand the form to the Family Proceedings Court closest to where you and your daughter reside. Once you have filed your application, you will then be contacted with a hearing date. In regards to the £200 fee you can fill out an EX160A form to check your eligibility to a fee reduction or a complete exemption from paying.

I would advise if possible you keep a diary of all events which take place between you and the mother, I would also advise you to try and keep any correspondence with the mother in writing as this can be presented in Court as evidence of her behaviour and how it is affecting your daughter.

If you don't have legal representation I would advise that you contact the Coram Children's Legal Centre (CCLC) for free legal advice and support. You can contact them on a freephone advice line which is 0808 8020 008 and available Monday to Friday 8am-8pm. Alternatively you could contact them via their webchat facility. The link to their webchat is www.childrenslegalcentre.com and can be accessed Monday to Friday 9am-6pm.

FM '70

Hi,
Thanks for your reply. My stepson whom I have been a parent to for the last 12 years still resides with his mum. He is loyal to his mum and told my daughter he has to stay in the house to look after her! My relationship with him became tense as I was trying to parent him whilst being undermined by his mother who basically did little parenting.

My name is on the birth certificate, it is not productive to talk to my ex as she can be very manipulative and basically insulting. She shows no empathy, remorse and basically lacks any emotion. My biggest concern at the moment is my daughter is asking to see her mother and her mother does not answer the phone or has not initiated contact with our daughter. I have realised that my ex cannot hurt me but can hurt me through my daughter.

I am going back and forth the house to collect essentials and last week asked if we could sit down and discuss finances. I have a gut feeling that my ex has run up thousands of pounds of debt on credit cards to launch her business which is a symptom of bi-polar. I have no faith in my ex as her destructive behaviour has resulted in conflicts and disputes with three women in the last two months to which she claims they are at fault.

I will take your advice and contact social services, however I am hesitant as I dont want my daughter to stay with my ex as I dont trust her to care for my daughters needs. I am concerned that my ex's behaviour of bringing home strangers could put my daughter in a vulnerable place. There are other issues that I am concerned about - my ex's condition can result in her being oblivious to my daughters wellbeing. I am concerned about the neglect; if my partner cannot care for herself, how can she care for another person?

If you have serious concerns about your daughters welfare whilst she is with her mother, you can demand that contact be limited and supervised. A court will expect you to be reasonable over the issue of contact, but given the concerns regarding your daughter's welfare I don't believe supervised contact is an unreasonable expectation.

I would urge you to speak with the CCLC and Children's Services. Please post back and let us know how you get on!

FM '70

Hi,
they were very helpful and basically advocated what you said about a residence order. Also they advised me to gather evidence to substantiate my claim that my daughter would be better off with me. I have started the ball rolling by emailing my ex to request a time she can be in to speak on the phone to my daughter. I dont want to cut my ex off from my daughter, however I dont want my daughter to be damaged by my ex's behaviour. My ex has a history tarnished by tragedy, abuse and neglect and how she has managed to continue until now without being hospitalised is taking its toll. Despite my attempts to get her to counselling or to heal our relaitonship she is oblivious to the damage she has caused. A symptom of bi-polar when manic is the lack of insight and no remorse or guilt; basically they do what they want!

Thanks very much for your help.

Obviously you want to encourage your daughter to have a relationship with her mother, but her welfare and safety must come first. You can arrange scheduled supervised contact in your presence. If that's not working for whatever reason, then your ex will have to use a contact centre.

Good luck with everything and if you need advice, support or just a rant, we're always around 🙂

FM '70

I sent an email yesterday to my ex asking for a time when she will be in for our daughter to speak to her. Considering she is a businesswomen in the 21st century who is spearheading a social enterprise its comes as no surprise that she cannot reply or take time to talk to my daughter. I know she is in the house as she lives around the corner. Her attempts at hurting me are at first successful but after sitting down and thinking about it I realised that she knows she cannot get to me by the other means of attacking my manhood, calling me a [censored] person and other means of character assassination. To get to me she now ignores me and my daughter (a strategy her alcoholic mother used) however as I am aware of it it softens the blow. I am aware that people only want to hurt others when they have been hurt and strike or lash out in defence.

Pain is pain and to accept that people can hurt you and feel the pain builds resilience. It hurts but this hurt makes us stronger!

Keep a record of all of this, because it's quite illustrative of your ex not considering your daughters emotional wellbeing.

As she is your ex, you need to get yourself into a frame of mind where she can't hurt you anymore. SHe has no control over you and the fact that she is ignoring your daughter is something you need to manage for your daughter's sake. Don't cover for your ex, it doesn't do anyone any good, just be neutral.

Can I ask what were the circumstances of your daughter living with you, is there a residence order? No particular reason for asking other than curiosity as it's more unusual for the father to have custody.

Hi ACTD - No order as yet, but the mother has agreed to the arrangement and I've advised Oneajourney to consider applying for a residency order.

The latest is my ex has replied to my emails and has indicated that she will "keep sunday clear" to see our daughter. This has all been instigated by me, my ex has not made any attempt to make contact and the email I have received is vague with no detail as to when she will collect my daughter and what she will be doing with her.

I am flabbergasted to be honest that my ex the mother of our daughter is having to be asked to see her own daughter! The bottom line is I dont trust my ex. I have concerns that my daughter will not be looked after and I am concerned who is going back and forth the house. I did have the idea of meeting my ex in a neutral place, softplay for example, so I could supervise the meeting and I would have the assurance that my daughter is safe.

Someone pinted out to me what days is she going to keep clear for the rest of the week to see my daughter? Frankly I am astounded that a mother is not concerend about the welfare of her daughter and has not bothered to phone to check if shes ok! Surely any court would not view this as positive.

I think you should proceed with the application for a residency order. Keep a record of all communication and contact in the interim.

Got an appointment with a family law solicitor on Monday. Thanks for all of your help. Its all still a bit raw, having expressed the situation to others they too cannot understand why a mother would not make any attmept to see their child. If I am being honest, my ex has not bonded with my daughter and believe it or not we lived a five minute walk from a park and not once has she taken her there in five years.

I hope that your ex decides to spend some time with her daughter on Sunday, but be prepared for disapointment.

Let us know how you get on with your solicitor on Monday!

It wasnt a good weekend. Went to the house on Friday as noticed no-one was there so I could take some of my stuff. My ex came in and wanted me to sign a form to sign over our joint account to her - I refused as I said I wanted to consult a solicitor first. I dont think my ex realises how far this has gone and seems to think I will rollover and do as she says. She started geting angry with me and told me shes not interested in me (theres a surprise). I walked away saying talk to my solicitor.

On Sunday she called about seeing our daughter. I asked her what she had arranged for the day as needed to know. She got very defensive again. I then explained as I have concerns about my daughters safety and wellbeing I'd like to know what she will be doing as I'm concerned that there may be people going back and forth the house who I dont know. Recently she brought home a woman who she claimed has a personality disorder, self harms and is under social services supervision. My ex then started abusing me down the phone and this went on for about ten minutes. She called back to say Im too upset to see my daughter I dont want to see you ever again and I will speak to a solicitor.

I was accused of being controlling and a bully and this was another one of the ways I try to control things. Nope, I want reassurances that my daughter is going to be safe. And if I cant get those assurances then my ex is going to have to do a lot better.

Everytime I have contact with my ex I feel ill. She hates me and is very angry with me, I understand this is part of the process. However, I realise that this is going to be hard and difficult but in six months time it will be better than it was.

Went to see solicitor yesterday; wants £800 up front to go to court for residency order. I have no claim to house as its in my ex's name - no surprise there to be honest. My ex has yet to see my daughter now nearing three weeks.

Hi

One thing I would comment on is that you say you feel ill every time your ex contacts you - is she controlling the contact she has with you? If so, you need to take that control back and once you have this, you won't feel anything like as bad - been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

Hi,
yes you are right. I have felt as if the control has been taken away and now I'm getting it back. I have been in contact with CMHT and her GP and voiced my concerns. I am slowly realising that my ex has a serious mental health condition which unfortunately has got worse. I am now admitting that I have been under threat from violence and abuse for some time and I tolerated it. Now I am saying I can longer tolerate her behaviour and I am thinking of me and my daughters safety.

I have done what I can to help this person, but no-one should have to live with the threat of violence and abuse. I have been in denial for a long time and now I am coming to the realisation that I have been a victim of domestic abuse. My ex would obviously claim differently but sadly my shame and guilt has kept me locked in for a long time and now I have managed to set myself free.

Domestic violence against men is grossly under reported - there's still the stigma that men shouldn't be the victim of violence by a woman, and it's taking a long time for that to become recognised. There should be plenty of support groups, so ask your GP about this.

Fortunately I am having counselling. I have been in therapy every year for the last three years and only now coming to terms with what has been happening. I realised that I couldnt allow my daughter to be raised in an environment that advocates the abuse of the parent in the father role.

Beleive it or not this person has a PhD in Psychology and is very intelligent and manipulation is an art form in her family. As I distance myself I realise that she is modelling her mothers behaviour as her mother is very abusive and she beat her husband when he was crippled with athritis. It seems that abuse has been accepted and ignored. I protested and guess who became the bad guy. I have stood up to them and they hated me. I would prefer to be hated than passively allow people to abuse me and stand by whilst children are being hurt.