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Hi all
I'm an occasional poster here when I feel I need advice, and it's always been helpful.
https://www.dad.info/forum/legal-eagle/49676-looking-for-perspectives-on-ex-testing-boundaries
https://www.dad.info/forum/families/52482-new-house-but-with-not-their-mammy
I've got a Court Order for my two daughters, 10 and 8, outlining the terms of a 50/50 child care arrangement since 2018. Been working OK despite an antagonistic ex who has been continually keeping some medium level alienation behaviour going. We have several handovers a week on a fortnightly basis, so the girls are only with one parent for 2-3 days before going back and seeing the other.
In October me and the girls moved into a new house my partner of three years bought for us all to live together, which is quite the gesture. My two had spent a fair bit of time with my partner over the three years we had been together, but not a huge amount of time, so they had got used to her as an occasional and fun presence, but not as someone to live with or act as a responsible adult. They understandably had some anxiety and apprehension about living with a woman who 'was not their Mammy'.
I firmly believe that in all sorts of ways it will be a positive change for them to go through. However, they were, I believe, being driven to be anxious by their mother; although outwardly she says she is for it and that she has been actively supportive to them about the change, I have seen lots of evidence both from the girls and otherwise that she is encouraging them to think that it is not going to be a healthy change for them.
I thought, by constant talking with them and encouragement from me before, during and after the move, as well as planning some fun stuff with my partner, they had gotten over the initial anxiety of the change and had settled into the new house (which they had very easily started to call 'home').
But since Xmas, Daughter #2 has been telling me that she doesn't want to come down to be with me and just wants to stay with her mother. Her mother told me that this was because my partner was putting Daughter #2 off and 'she doesn't feel safe' with her. Twice she has refused to come down. Daughter #1 has little worries about coming down, although she says it is still a bit uncomfortable being with my partner because she 'is not her Mammy'.
I don't want to force the issue at this point, and obviously my main concern is to persuade #2 that she should be down here with me so we can talk through her problems and not avoid them.
But I'm posting in this legal forum to ask advice. I think that the reasons given by both Daughter #2 and her mother are specious, and I think this is now 'strike number two' at least, for my ex in stopping me seeing my girls for no good reason within the last 6 months. My partner says we should now apply for the court for an emergency application, which I think is a bit premature.
But I would like some advice on what the intermediate options are, given that this situation is likely to persist and I won't spend proper time with one of my daughters like we should.
I have been looking to see what good family lawyers are in the locality that might offer a consultation, but would also appreciate any advice or perspective on this on here?
Thx in advance
Using solicitors going to be a very expensive process. I think a heart to heart maybe needed with both your girls.
It maybe that theres a chance wether you consider a reduction in time you have them to see if that will make them happier. If it ends up in family court its highly likely your daughters will be spoken to about how they feel and what they might want to happen. Maybe if you lived on your own and it was just you and your daughters maybe things would be different as they get all your attention all the while . Only you will know or have some sort of idea why things have become difficult.
Agree about expense involved in solicitors, but I wasn't thinking about using them to represent me so much as a one time consultation.
Also agree that Option A is to talk with girls as much as possible.
I wouldn't consider a reduction in time at this point, apart from allowing my ex to erode the terms of the Court Order - which she has attempted fairly consistently since it was issued - I think more time spent with their mother is going to exacerbate things.
One of the things I would welcome about going back to court is the girls being spoken to see what they want away from their mother, as this was the most positive thing to happen the first time around.
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