[Solved] Advice on mediation and contact

Hi there

Legal Aid for mediation is still available, if your ex is receiving benefits or a low income, she should be entitled to help with the costs of mediation.

Did you make these points whilst you were at mediation?

If you are unhappy with the conditions that are being forced on you, you can ask themediator to sign the form so that you can make an application to court. Depending on the amount of contact you've had with your child and when it was stopped! The court should make an order, but because of the young age of your child they may order that a contact centre is used for a short period, the cost for that would be down to you in that case, you can ask for all expenses to be split but whether you get anywhere is debatable.

If you don't want her to be anywhere near you a contact centre would be the best option.

Hi Mojo, thanks for the reply.

We are both in receipt of legal aid but mediation have led me to believe that this fee for the set up of a contact centre isn't covered by legal aid and must either be paid by splitting costs with my ex or paid in full by either party.

When I spoke to the mediator and expressed my concerns regarding the ex being present during my visits to the contact centre they pretty much just dismissed what I had said as if I had no choice in the matter, basicly the ex's way or not at all.

If I was to speak to mediation again and express that I'm willing to pay the fees for the contact centre in order to spend time with my daughter alone without my ex being present would this be seen as being unreasonable ?

The last time I seen my daughter was around 4 months ago.

Thanks again

Hi mojo.

The contact centre is where my ex wants to be present, she wants to be in the same room as me and my daughter and personally I don't feel comfortable with that at all, if the contact goes ahead it is unsupervised but with her being there in the same room as me is anything but unsupervised and I feel she only wants to be there as a way to either harass me about how we should get back together like she has done every other time in the past during visits to her house to see my daughter and then would turn nasty when things dont go her way or use it as a way to try control, interfere or even sabotage my contact all together with my daughter.
As I've said before I do not trust this woman, she is extremely toxic, deceitful and dishonest, a compulsive liar who plays mind games and enjoys manipulating others, twists things and accuses people of baseless accusations then plays the professional victim, that deceitful and dishonest that a dna is in the pipeline.

The point of a contact centre is that she isn't in the same room as you, she drops your daughter off, and you have contact with the contact centre staff supervising (if it is supervised contact).

Hi actd, thanks for your reply.

Contact would be unsupervised.
That was my understanding also that by using a contact centre I would be able to spend the time I get to have with my daughter without ever having to see or communicate with my ex.

The ex has demanded through mediation that I will have 2 hours per week with our daughter in a contact centre where she resides and that she will be present in the same room while my contact takes place.
Her excuse is that because our daughter is only 7 1/2 months old and hasn't seen me for 4 months that she needs to be there with our daughter in the same room so that our daughter doesn't become unsettled or stressed.

I expressed my concerns with the mediator and made it clear that i wasn't comfortable and did not want my ex there and they are willing to sign a C100 form.

The ex's whole argument through her lawyer is that I was apparently abusive to her throughout our relationship, that I attacked and beat her and because of that she is now scared for her own safety and our daughters safety which is complete nonsense, there has never been any complaints, charges, court orders of any kind or any other evidence to back these accusations yet she is quite happy to be in the same room with me and even insists on this through mediation.

I have missed 4 valuable months with our daughter seeing her grow and develop her own little personality over that period of time, 4 months I will never get back and have hit rock bottom with depression that almost turned suicidal over christmas because of this woman's games.
Right now I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, I either accept the demands of my ex through mediation and sit in the same room in a contact centre with the woman who has prevented me seeing our daughter, destroyed our relationship and falsely accused me of abusing her just so I can spend time with our daughter sooner or have the mediator sign the C100 form and let things take it's course via court and not knowing how long It will be before I have contact.

I'm sorry for going on, a lot of this has been bottling up and I need a way to vent some of this frustration.

Perhaps you could compromise and agree that she can be away in another room for the first couple of sessions, just in case your daughter becomes distressed...that way you are taking her concerns into account and being thoughtful to your daughters possible needs should she get upset, but she wouldn't be in the room with you during your visit with your daughter....this is the kind of reasonable thinking that the authorities like to see...you are trying to find a solution.

As your ex has no evidence to back up her allegations, hopefully the court will dismiss them and rely on the usual safeguarding reports to progress your case. Once the court is shown that you don't pose a risk to your child they should be willing to get some sort of contact schedule underway. Your daughters age will be a factor in the schedule, it's likely that it will start with short, frequent visits, which will increase as your child grows more independent. Generally speaking by the time she is 18months old she should be spending overnights with you, all being well.

It sounds to me that your ex is very controlling and it's probably better to get this situation sorted out sooner rather than later. The court process can be slow, but if you request an order for interim contact in a contact centre on your C100 form , the court should at least discuss this at the first hearing. It usually takes between 4 - 8 weeks from application to the first hearing.

It's Important to find a release for your frustration and here is a good place to do it!

All the best

Thanks for the reply Mojo.

During mediation I did say I don't mind if the ex is in a separate room as long as I don't have to be in the same room as her, I understand her concerns regarding our daughter possibly getting a little unsettled, if anything it is to be expected as our daughter hasn't seen me in 4 months but the way this has all been put forward to myself by the mediator is that it appears my ex is adamant she be in the same room and that she isn't prepared to budge or compromise.

You are right, she was and still is a very controlling person and I feel this is her way of trying to keep control of the situation, in all honesty I did not want to go down this route i.e. lawyers and court but I felt I had no choice as she would only let me see our daughter if it was in her home but when I would go to see our daughter the ex would just make my visits uncomfortable and awkward by constantly begging and harrassing me to get back with her and when I refused she would then turn nasty, she only stopped me from seeing my daughter when she realised I wasn't interested in being with her anymore.

She has tried numerous times to manipulate me through threats saying if I go to court she will tell lawyers and judges I attacked, beat and abused her,
She doesn't want things to go as far as court because she knows it will be up to someone other than her to make the decision of when and how long I see our daughter which obviously terrifies her.

Just in case you aren't aware - contact centres usually offer 2 types of contact.

Supported - is where you are in a room with other parents spending time with their children.

Supervised - is where you are in a room with a supervisor who would bring the baby to you & take her back to mum in the other room if she gets distressed, The supervisor makes notes and produces a report.

The mediator and solicitor should well know that the latter is the most likely first step a court would order at this stage.

I would personally get the C100 signed and stop mediation - sounds like you have a useless one.

Next step, I would write to her solicitor to try and get Supervised without the mother present. If she insists on being there, why not bite the bullet, do what she wants but with a supervisor present but also submit the C100 sharpish. It usually takes about 8 weeks to get to a first hearing.

Only speak to the mother via text or email if she's threatening to accuse you of abuse.

Court often makes things worse before they get better but at least you should come out of it without having to have contact with the mother as well!

Hi Yoda, thanks for the reply.

The contact centre must be supported as there will be other parents there while i have contact with my daughter, there is staff at the contact centre but they do not monitor or take notes.

Contact is unsupervised, my soliciter specifically requested i have unsupervised visits at a contact centre as there was no reason for it not to be, the mediator also stated it would be unsupervised.

I called mediation today and explicitly told the mediator I do not have a problem with my ex partner being present in the contact centre when I am there spending time with our daughter but under no circumstances do I wish for her to be present in the same room and told them if my ex cannot agree to this then I will ask for the C100 form to be signed.

I also told the mediator as much as i feel the cost should be split I would pay all the fees for the contact centre but only after the dna results come back and after I have spoken to my solicitor regarding the situation.

I haven't spoken to the ex since last year and i don't intend to either, her calls and texts get rejected automatically and are logged and backed up as csv files, she would call and text non stop, in one day I had over 100 rejected calls from her and she only stopped contacting me after I said I would call the police.

If you can't negotiate supported contact, have you considered one to one supervision? In some areas, the difference in cost is negligible and it may well put you in a stronger position when you attend court?

Generally in situations where there has been no contact and the child is very young, supervised contact is the first order a court will make. If you start this as soon as you can, by the time you get to court, you will already have several weeks of contact reports which should enable the court to start moving things forward?

Hi Yoda.
Thanks for the reply.

My ex partner is in complete denial that she single handedly destroyed our relationship and is still under the illusion that we can work through this and everything would go back to normal and IMO is only demanding she be present during contact so she would have the chance to communicate with me face to face as I have ceased all communication with her other than what goes through the solicitor.

I haven't considered one to one supervised but I wouldn't dismiss this option either if it meant I could spend quality time with my daughter without my ex being there but the problem here isn't that my contact is unsupervised and has more to do with my ex wanting to control the situation and the outcome, even if contact was supervised the ex would still insist she be present.

The ex has already agreed to unsupervised contact in a contact centre and this has been dictated by her solicitor as such.

I have informed my solicitor and they have said these demands were inappropriate and unacceptable as contact is not supervised, a letter has been drafted regarding the issue and my solicitor has also mentioned the false accusations against me saying that if I was allegedly violent or abusive towards my ex then why would she want to be in the same presence as myself.