[Solved] Advice on a few life changing matters

Hi horizon,

Hopefully we can be of help 🙂

Your situation is a fairly common one. My daughter has moved 3 times in 3 years (soon to be 4 in 4)... and you are definately correct on this.

This could be quite a challenge, however i would strongly recommend that you broach the subject with your ex firstly. Highlight that you are not pleased about the situation and that you "are not in agreement to the move" and that "you don't want the move to happen". Her response could obviously go either way. However... you need to be prepared to know that in the event of her still wishing to continue with the move that you make her aware that if the move is going to happen, you will for the sake of your son be filing an application for residence.

Now you have a very strong case here to argue. Firstly you have evidence that the move will affect your son in terms of his education and also the effect of the move will almost certainly affect his Education.

Can i just ask:
What is your current situation?
Do you pay maintenance?
When is this move being planned to go ahead?
What if any conversations have you had thus far with your ex regarding the move and her opinions of/on it?

[hide]Thanks for your help..

What is your current situation? Just the same as above. I am on the birth certificate
Do you pay maintenance? Yes we have agreed this and i have kept documentation to prove it. I pay money plus buy all his clothes
When is this move being planned to go ahead?in the Summer
What if any conversations have you had thus far with your ex regarding the move and her opinions of/on it? The only option i have been giving from is that i move closer to them if i want to keep my involvment with my son. She said i keep my current job and live with my mum during the week and rent a home down there on weekends to see my son. This is impossible for me due to paying money out to 2 places and travel. The other option was for me to get a hotel to look after my son on visiting him on weekends 😀 . And the last option was to give up my job and give the place where me and my son grew up, also give up my stable job and move down there close to them.
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I've said where does this meet halfway and where is my choice for a say about where my son can live. All I get is well thats whats happening. She also said she is the sole carer for my son because she is his mum, but if you look above at how much i have contact with him it obviously isnt true. All i want is to have a stable place where my son can grow up with friends he currently has and to continue his school that he is really excelling in [/hide]

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as a matter of interest, what percentage of your takehome pay do you pay in maintenance?[/hide]

[hide]not sure what the percentage is but i done it this way http://www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp [/hide]

Dont let the mum demand more than shes owed,do it this way and show her if you have to

hi

It actually looks as though you are paying more than you need to - the maintenance you pay should cover his clothes. much as I think what you have been paying so far is the right thing to do, your ex isn't playing fair, so you have to consider that you are going to be paying more should you have to travel to see your son. As far as I am aware (it may have changed, so check this), the CSA expect you to pay the first £15 per week of reasonable travel expenses, and beyond this, you can deduct the remainder (I think this may include hotel stay) from your takehome pay for the CSA calculation. It may be worth calculating how much your travel would be, and work out how much effect this would have on your maintenance payments, and point out to your ex that you would have little choice other than to reduce your payments, and stop buying clothes so you can afford the travel should you have to do so to see your son.

See below

[hide] Well I don't think she has thought about it to that extent. The information on travel iwould gather it would cost around £20 in petrol each way, and so that would be 60 a week times 4 = 240 a month which is more than she gets maintenance......
And for the hotel idea, but there's no chance on this earth I'm staying in a hotel with my son just to please her... I have got an appointment with a family solicitor in a few weeks cause I don't know what else to do. [/hide]

I'm not sure what expenses can be claimed with regard to using a car, but I would think it would be more than just petrol - however, the expenses are taken off your takehome pay used for calculation of the maintenance, not directly off the maintenance, and you do have to pay the first £15 each week. Nonetheless, it might be worth, as an aside, pointing out the financial loss, but don't make to big a deal of it, it should be just one of the factors she has to consider.

This is what I'm trying to get together so I can present to her and say, well if you are going to do what you say have you considered these things and present her with them. so hopefully my solicitor can help a bit on the effects this would have on my son..

[hide]Hi Horizon,

If i were you given the information that you have said, after discussing the matter possibly a little more. It may be worthwhile showing your hand to your ex and saying that if you are going to move, i will be prepared to file a Residence Application.

Some other things to consider before making such an application are as follows:
- Where are the majority of your Sons immediate (Grandparents) located
- Has your Son changed schools in the past

She is effectively using her position as custodian and abusing this... also as your are getting a solicitor they will be able to take some stress from you. If it is that you may wish to file for Court based representation, this is where your cost (as actd can attest to) will skyrocket.
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keep us posted and ask any questions if you need more help.

ah, just seen yoji's post - and I will indeed confirm that using a solicitor to go to court can cost a lot (tens of thousands in my own case). I'd have a look at yoji's posts in the legal section on representing yourself in court. We can certainly help on here, and we can call on the help of the Coram Childrens Legal Centre for free legal advice (but not if you have your own solicitor), or another option os to use a solicitor for advice but do the majority of the work yourself.

[hide] His grandparents live in the the same town as my son. We actually moved to the place where she wants to move to and it didn't work out and moved back to our home town. So yes he did move school but he was around 4. I just don't know where to goto for straight facts that are legitimate and for her to listen. [/hide]

Giving what you have just said I could just go the first time and do the rest myself...or use them just for advice. I'm educated to represent myself giving the right guidance....

yep, I think that's a sensible way to do things. Ther's a few dads on here who have represented themselves either from scratch, or after having initially used a solicitor. There's also cases of people who have had solicitors where the ex has, seemingly, simply acted in a way which is bound to increase the dad's legal costs which can make it virtually impossible to continue the proceedings.

Scary what can happen... thanks though

[hide] So what are the solicitors actually going to advise me. I know it's a hypothetical question but will she state the legal options I could pass onto my ex. The sort of thing I'm thinking of is presenting myex with a few facts that if she is still going to move she needs to consider x, y z [/hide]

[hide] it's tricky to say what they are going to say - what I would say is to put together exactly what you want to tell your ex and then take that along with you and discuss your options and their opinions. Make it clear to them that you will be doing pretty much all of the work yourself so there's no misunderstanding of your solicitors role. Make sure you take a pad and pencil and make plenty of notes, and if there's anything you are unclear about, ask them to explain until you are clear [/hide]

[hide]Hi Horizon,

And equally just to add to actd's post (and you've probably thought of this already) is to consider what evidence/reasons you are going to present and how a panel would view this in Court. In my opinion stability, continuity (in education and home area) and support in maintaining the relationship with your ex should you win custody should be the cornerstone of your argument.

Courts are getting more towards this these days of course after the points of the Childrens Act

Good luck and keep us posted :)[/hide]

[hide]Couldn't agree more with you on those points and this is the argue I will put forward....

Thanks again guys[/hide]

[hide]How quick can I apply for a application for residence? How quick does it come into effect? I'm seeing my solicitor next week but was wondering whether to tell my ex that I am going to apply for one if she continues to move..[/hide]

[hide]Hi horizon,

For Residency it can sometimes depend on the circumstances... for example Residence can be specified to transfer from a certain date (usually done as an amicable arrangement X weeks down the line) or in some cases the recommendation can be immediate. Your case would in my experience not be an urgent case.

Therefore the time range for Residence Applications can be between a few weeks up to quite a standard 6wk.

Often if it is at the stage where Residence is contested an appointed date at the CDRH (Childrens District Resolution Hearing) will take place, this is the initial hearing and it can then continue on for numerous hearings before a Final Hearing.

Now what i can say is that given your situation its likely that a 6wk appointment will be followed.

Note: all these applications are seen on the day of receipt by a Judge who can then bring the matter forward to be heard earlier than 6weeks or in the most extreme circumstances on the day [/hide]

[hide]Hi Guys,

Ok Ive had my meeting and told me what I already knew so I could get an appliaction out within 24hrs if I need to, so thats one good thing.(Thanks Yoji)
The solicitor thought I had a good argument as to why I would want to follow these steps, but she was concerned a little as my son was born a month before December 2003 making me not have parent responsibility. But the court would look at my involvment me and my boy have together etc.
She said this couldn't stop me from filing for an application but it is an obstacle.
Also with the mother not coming to a compramise and not having a job, school to go to the court will wonder how this is all in the childs best inteterest and how a move would endure he still had sufficient contact.[/hide]