[Solved] Advice needed please

Dont answer it mate.....

Dave, Can I ask why you suggest that? (Im just wondering how you came to that answer?)

I'm defo torn as to whether to answer or not. Not making any rash decisions yet. I fear if I answer then i'll get drawn in to something I don't want to. On the other hand, if I don't answer then I'm potentially going to miss out on my son seeing me?

Well stuck here 🙁

Sure...I actually did intend writing more earlier but the kids got up and were giving me the run around. 🙂

I would be inclined to not engage except via the mediation.

What was the trigger for your ex's comment? Did you say you wouldnt see your child again or is this them threatening you?

Regards,

Dave

No trigger, She doesn't need one!

My ex has a habit of just writing things like that to either invoke a response from me either OR to find out what my next move will be. She pretends that its about the child but it's not. That is why i'm not sure as to answer her or not as I really want to see my child and yet i don't want to talk, see and defiantly not arrange anything via various members of her family.

She sends via text message or email.. This time it was email...

So, not a threat, and I do fully intend on seeing my child asap but not engaging with her family to make any arrangements. If that makes sense?

I was awaiting the mediator to get back in touch with me. I think ill call her back on monday as this now needs professing asap i think.

I see.

I still wouldnt respond to her mail. I keep all communications with my ex to email so I have a record. If she sends text I only respond to say mail it.

Just play your cards close and dont engage with her or her family except to arrange contact and dont get sucked in to going off track or rise to the bait.

My ex too makes out that it is about our children but says one thing and does another.

Make all communications polite, assertive and child focused. Then run to the bedroom and bite the pillow in frustration....:)

How do you recommend I could arrange to see my child in the mean time? Perhaps wait till mediation?

I'd wait till mediation.

Dave's comments on email/text are excellent advice - if you do feel the need to contact her, write it out and then sit on it for a few hours, then go back to it and think what it would look like to a judge should it be presented to him (and if it casts a negative light on you, you can be assured that it will) - get someone impartial to look over it if possible - and if it looks bad, rewrite it and repeat, or don't send it.

I think tomorrow I will give the mediator another nudge as she was due to call me on Friday. If I can get the ball rolling asap then not too much time passes that my child goes without me 🙂

So this evening i've had an email saying something like

"you havent even asked how ****** is or when you can see him or even for a picture. Im begining to genuinely believe that you dont care about him"

Now, this is typical of her trying to invoke a response from me. Especially after I was told that I was not to contact her and all arrangements to be made through her family.

When i do arrive at the agreed time and location, there is no one answering my messages to say i was there.!!!

I swear I can't do right for doing wrong.

*UPDATE*

Having sent a polite email back stating that I was not in a position to speak to any members of her family and that I would be at the previously agreed location and time. I also stated that she was to get a letter from the mediator explaining that I have started mediation proceedings.

Her reply was something like

for as long as she was blocked from my mobile (I only do this when I don't have the child and to prevent a bombardment of sms's) that she was not going to allow me access to my child. She also decided to "make plans" for the date and time that was agreed to meet.

So, i've decided now not to reply and allow the mediator to do it all from here on in.

My child will be seeing me and this side of the family. My child will have a father if its the last thing i do!

Lifeneedsharmony, either we have the same ex or you have been lifting your quotes from the text messages sent to my phone!

You know what, four weeks ago i had enough of these sort of pointless messages and I cut up my sim card.

For a year I was fine with the demands for photographs every few hours when the kids were at mine- even though if they looked too happy she'd kick off. What did it for me was her withdrawing all contact for three weeks. The next time i had the kids, it took less than six hours for her to be back on demanding photographs.

It made me realise that all contact was pointless, stupid, and that I didnt have to do it. She has less charm than a bailiff and cares less for the kids than she does for facebook and booze, 'If you need to contact me', I wrote, 'you have my house phone number'.

It's made no difference bar the only times she can abuse me are when i collect the kids and drop them off- a maximum of four minutes a week, I reckon. Rather than have her mess me around with when I have the kids she is now forced to stick to a timetable- pick up at 345 on Friday from school, drop off at 6pm at hers on Sunday. No more of this 'what time are you dropping them back' texts on saturday and sunday- the time is fixed, and if she phones the house phone we're generally out playing.

Its one way forwards anyway mate. I have no desire to talk to her or her family any day, and i'm 100% sure that as the kids get older they are going to be a lot closer to my family than hers. Seems to be the same in your situation too. Sure the family will treat the kids differently than they treat you, but the sorts of people who have that hatred in them never do well. I'm proud to say that even though my ex stole from me, was a secret drinker when i was at work and the kids were with her, and has assaulted me and denied me access, my family have not said one single bad thing about her either in front of the kids or to me, bar expressing concern for the kids and wondering why she is like this. Now that's good people.

Hi Teacher!

I can assure you I haven't lifted your texts lol..... Sadly what you say makes real sense as does the advice of everyone on here. I got another email this evening ( as I have her blocked on mobile) stating that if I wanted I could have my child for a few hours on Friday. Well, that's mighty nice of her! (Excuse my sarcasm)

I have yet to reply to her. Obviously I want to see my child more than anything else in the world.... I just worried what she has planned..

I called the mediator today, I have a private initial meeting on Friday. Luckily walking distance from where my child lives!

I couldn't agree more with those wise words!

This situation is really getting me down.

Yet another hoop she wants me to "unblock" my number so that she could get hold of me.

I decided to get my old phone out and use that. She's now saying that if i don't unblock her from my regular number then I can't have my child....

ironically she's saying all this via text on the new number. She is demanding we switch to my other number or no access.

Keep her texts and mails as she is trying to bully you. You can present them when the time is right in court.

For now I would politely decline and explain that the number that you have given is the only number you will communicate with her via.

Or - give everyone your old number so that she is the only one who uses the number you have blocked her from.

Regards,

Dave

Hi Dave, I did tell her that this was the number she / would communicate via. In 25 mins she texted 15 times. That's averaging 1 text every 1.6 minutes,

All that aside, she's making me feel even worse by saying she's not been unreasonable and to her and her family it has become obvious that I don't care for my son.

Nothing can be further from that. I miss him really badly and not seeing him is getting me down more than anything. I wish mediation would just hurry up. It's all just soo slow,

I know its easier said than done but you mustnt let her bother you. (I relly do know its easier said thn done).

You know that you are doing what you can and that it is her who is being unreasonable.

Have you considered writing a letter saying how much you love your son and want to see him and how the behaviour of her and her family make you feel.

At mediation it may be suggested that you sign a charter which sets out how you treat each other you may wish to suggest this to them if it is not offered. Tell the meditor how you are being treated and I am sure they will discuss this with her.

Have you spoke to your GP about CBT? CBT may help you deal with this.

Regards,

Dave

My ex constantly told me how much I had become a laughing stock with, or hated by her family. The thing was, I stayed in touch with some of her family so I know it wasn't true a lot of the time.

Hi All,

Yeah in process of talking about CBT with the GP. I really would like to sign a charter. I know thats something I can stick to with ease! Also know she can't.

I've also printed of an email stating that I can't have access unless she has my "main" telephone number and not the one that I have given her, even though I keep both with me at all times. I've made the 2nd one (the number she now has) a deddicated line for matters child.

Defo easier said then done all this ! - In the mean time my child misses out on its father. 🙁

Show the mediator the texts and mails so they get a feel for how she is.

Dave

I've spent the morning going through the more relevant texts / emails to simply show the goal posts being moved all the time. There are so many texts that no one would have time to read them.

I tried to read them all myself last week and it took me 3 hours!!!

So, just relevant texts (five or six) to show and an email statijng that she will not go to mediation!