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I was totally unaware that this resource existed but I'm glad that I've now found it. It's really saddening to learn about the situations that us Dads find ourselves in though with a resource such as this at our fingertips at least we're not alone. As the title of this post suggests I am hoping to receive some constructive third party advice and hope someone can help.
My ex-wife and I divorced back in 2011. During the split my then wife made things very difficult for me to see my son. She would disagree that this was due to hurt, spite, revenge etc. but this is the fact as there was no other reason to prevent me from seeing my son. Mediation in 2011 wasn't compulsory as it is now though I was advised by my Family Law Solicitor to try this which I did. My wife refused to attend so I applied to the court for a contact agreement. My wife did attend court and, without actually sitting in front of the judge, we thrashed out a mutually agreeable contact arrangement at the eleventh hour in the presence of CAFCASS. Our attendance and this agreement was recorded by the court (no contact order required) and we left.
For the past 4 years this mutually agreed contact arrangement has worked well with the inevitable flexibility required on both sides to keep it on track in the best interest of our son. Recently her requests to change my contact days/times have become more frequent and she has become very judgemental of the things I do with my son. I should add that my son is now 5 years old (he was only 1 when we divorced) and we have (as we always have had) a fantastic relationship. Once more I believe the hurt, spite, revenge lid is falling off her bottle and that she is jealous of the relationship I have built with my son.
My ex-wife has always been and always will be career driven. She put her work before me and she is now putting it before her son. At the time of divorce my wife had a local 9 - 4 job which paid around £30k p.a. which was ideal for bringing up a child. Very soon after the divorce she applied for and got a job which involved a 30 mile drive and at least a 1 hour commute each way which pays around £42k p.a. Because of the long hours she works our son spends the vast majority of his time at his Grandma's (on her side). He is dropped off at his Grans at 6.30am daily, she makes his breakfast and takes him to school. She then picks him up from school, sits him in front of the TV, gives him his tea and awaits the return of his Mum from work.
I lived about 5 miles from my Sons School (he's now in Reception Class) and a similar distance from my ex-wife. Recently I have moved house to be closer to him and I now reside within 1 mile of his School and within 2 miles of my Ex-Wife. I have a flexible working agreement with my employer which enables me to leave work earlier on a Monday and Thursday to collect my Son from school. My current contact times are school finishing time 3.15pm - 7.00pm on Mondays and Thursdays weekly and 3.15pm Friday - 4.00pm Sunday every fortnight.
The above is some background which I felt necessary to give before I move on now to explaining my reason for posting.
My Son and I have a great relationship. I attend all of the invitations I receive from his School such as Parents Evening, Sports Day, Plays etc and his Mum seldom attends due to her work. I work too and make the effort to be there even if it hits me in the pocket financially. On that matter and as an aside as I don't believe it's relevant to this post, I pay my monthly maintenance to her for our son by direct debit on time every time. Even at such a young age our Son has already said things to me like 'I never see my Mum', 'My Mum never cooks for me like you do Dad', 'I prefer to be with you Dad than at my Mums' and I've witnessed with my own eyes how deflated he becomes when I have to tell him it's time to go back to his Mums.
My ex-wife never does any of the dropping off or picking up for my contact times, the onus is firmly on me and other than mentioning the fact here I don't mind that at all as he's only a short drive away from me now and to be honest I'd happily walk to the other side of the world with a broken leg to see him. My last house was on a main road and there was no way that my son could play out in safety. My new home is on a new-build estate and it's a cul-de-sac. My Son has loved being able to play out with the other children here of similar age in far greater safety than where we were before. I have seen this as an important part of his social development and it's great for his health as he's running around and cycling. After returning to his Mums last night he obviously innocently conveyed what he'd been doing whilst at Dads and I received a barrage of texts and phone calls from my Ex-Wife stating that I was an unfit Dad and that our son wasn't 'streetwise' and basically that he shouldn't be playing out. I was literally gobsmacked and flawed by this attitude and warped mentality. Probably a good point to mention that as our Son is so infrequently at his Mums house (also a relatively new build cul-de-sac property where children of a similar age to our son play out) he doesn't know their names and has certainly never associated with them which I find absolutely tragic. As mentioned before he spends most of his time at his Grans who, being nearly 70 years old, lives in an established 1960's street where there are no children.
Essentially I am very concerned that our Son is effectively being brought up by his Gran, a role which should be being fulfilled by his Mum which isn't. I am basically asking whether you feel that there is enough grounds here for me to reasonably request full time custody of my son? I have requested a greater level of contact with our Son regularly which is always rejected. Reasonable requests in my opinion such as having him overnight on a Thursday and taking him to school the next day. Knowing that his Gran is doing this kind of stuff instead of her or me I find unacceptable. I am in a fortunate position with my employer where I know a favourable response will meet my request for a change in working hours to enable me to take and collect my Son from School so that hurdle is covered. No doubt there are many other hurdles I've not considered that you could perhaps enlighten me to and any advice, help, information would be very gratefully received.
Sorry for the long winded post! Thanks, Steve
Hi Steve
Having had a good scout around the forum I'm pretty sure you realise how difficult it can be to negotiate a good parenting plan that is completely child focused. As the resident parent, with no court order in place, your ex can more or less do as she pleases as far as the amount of time she "allows" you with your child.
The problem you have is that there is no neglect or risk of harm for your child and nothing that the court would consider serious enough for them to transfer residence.
You make some good points and you may have a fairly good chance of getting a Child Arrangements Order in place for a shared care arrangement, which is where your son resides with both of you.
Your first step would be to attend mediation after which the mediator would ask your ex to attend....if this is unsuccessful, or she failed to attend, then the mediator would sign off the appropriate form to enable you to make an application to court.
As far as your ex's outburst....If it were me I would have no problems letting a child play outside with others of the same age, but in this day of OTT health and safety concerns, some parents are loathe to allow outside play. I think to avoid more of the same you should give her assurances that he is playing with other children of the same age which is supervised by the parents who keep a close eye on them at all times...go a step further and reassure her that when he is having play time you sit outside and oversee from a distance...just allay her fears and also talk about the benefits of playing outdoors, fresh air and learning social interaction with his peers etc.
Really great advice there Mojo and I thank you very much for taking the time to provide me with a detailed response. Realistically I agree, now that I've calmed down a bit and reflected on the situation, that custody is sadly nothing but a pipe dream. I think proceeding to Mediation and Court with the aim of getting something written in stone is prudent. Much as I'd like to tell my ex where to go in connection with how i look after our son whilst he's with me I think biting my tongue and replying calmly through gritted teeth detailing the fact he was safe as you've suggested can do no harm. I've recognised that in the grand scheme of the situations that others on here are facing that my position could be considerably worse. Once again, thank you. Regards, Steve
Just something else I've been chewing over whilst not sleeping last night... The idea of having shared care (50/50 hopefully) really appeals. If I go down the Child Arrangements Order route via Mediation and ultimately to Court, given that I am currently the non-resident parent with no court order in place, if my request to have our son residing with me is rejected by the judge could I end up in a situation where my contact is worse than it is now? The scenario I can see happening (worse case) is that upon my request for Mediation or application to Court my ex-wife immediately ceases all my contact until a judgement is made to which I have no legal comeback. If the judgement goes against my 50/50 shared care request, does the court order a lesser care agreement or do I then need to submit another separate application? Sorry if this is a bit garbled, I hope you can extract my salient points?
As you say, your ex could stop contact until the court hearing, but it wouldn't show her in a favourable light with the court, so hopefully she won't go there. Generally, the courts don't reduce the level of contact unless there are grounds for doing so, so while it is possible, it's not something the courts are likely to do unless your ex starts throwing false accusations around.
Thank you actd for your reply. Whilst throwing false accusations around is not beyond the scope of my ex-wife's repertoire I'm beginning to think that I have little to lose (if anything) by going down the shared residency route and possibly a lot to gain.
...mediation is successful 50% of the time....with any luck this may be the case with you and your ex.
Check out the CAFCASS parenting plan and put this on the table...it's a good start as it encourages you both to think about all aspects of what it is to co parent successfully.
http://www.dad.info/forum/legal-eagle/38959-cafcass-parenting-plan
Thanks Mojo, wow 50%... that's a lot higher than I expected though requires two reasonable parents with the best interest of their child in mind - at least my son is getting 50% of that from his Dad 🙂 Joking aside I'm willing to live in hope and keep an open mind to it. Court is a last resort though I'm more than prepared to go (again) if necessary. Thank you for the link, I've not yet had chance to view and digest the content though I will for sure.
Either 2 reasonable parents, or one parent who doesn't want a complete stranger to see just how unreasonable they are being :whistle:
Hello, just dropping back in to give an update on my situation and to extend my heart felt thanks to Mojo and actd for their advice and support which has given me the strength and focus to see this through... I was very nervous about rocking the boat and risking ending up with less contact than I had already though decided I had little to lose so instigated the legal process. I attended a mediation session where I chose not to proceed and just had the relevant page of the court form signed by the mediator after paying the appropriate fee. I then submitted my application to the court and awaited the arrival of the papers. My ex-wife and I received them on the same day and receipt of the papers from the court itself was enough to make my ex see sense (after a heated discussion, not in front of our son and several texts and emails) we thrashed out a 50/50 shared responsibility/contact. I notified the court and Cafcass of my desire to withdraw my application as we had reached a mutual agreement and provided both with the details. The court accepted my wish to withdraw and I'm delighted to say that our new arrangement is working out fantastically! I realise there's nothing set in stone with this and if she chooses to be, in my opinion, unreasonable again I'll have to go through this process again though I'm currently satisfied that this will not happen. Some Dads are in horrific situations and I am fully aware that I am in the fortunate minority. I can only hope that by telling my story here that it will give all of you some hope and the strength to carry on. Don't ever give up! Very best regards to all, Steve B.
Hi Steve
Thanks for getting back to us with an update, that's absolutely fantastic news! Your grit and determination really paid off.
Let's hope that she now realises that it's for your sons benefit to work together and in fact successful coparenting is beneficial to you all.
Well done and the best of luck for the future. 🙂
Well unfortunately my short-lived elation has turned to frustration and anger though not despair. My wonderful Ex-wife has clearly played me for a sucker (again) and, now that my court application has been withdrawn, she's done a complete u-turn and said that contact with my son must remain as it is. I'm hoping the fact that I've got her agreement to the 50/50 shared responsibility in writing will help me with my next court application. I intend to complete the form again over the weekend and submit it to Court on Monday. I also have a copy of a text message exchange which clearly demonstrates that she's only done this u-turn as I told her that the maintenance payments would stop due to the 50/50 agreement. I don't know whether I'll get what I think is in our sons best interest at Court, being the 50/50 shared responsibility though I intend to see it through this time until a judgement is made as obviously trusting her to do what's best for our son is not her primary objective. Thankfully it doesn't appear that I've got to jump the Mediation hurdle again as I'm making a new application within a very short timeframe. I'll drop back in periodically with any updates to this situation.
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