[Solved] Absolutely gutted

Tandin,

I think you need to think carefully on this one.

My son was 6 when he refused all contact with me. CAFCASS acknowledged that it was becuase of the hostility between me nad his mother, but said that his loyalities lay with his mother, and that he was so "entrenched" in his view point that short term harm outweighed any long term benefit of contact with me. They also said that they knew myself and the ex blamed the other for the problem, but they could not say which party was more to blame. I was awarded indirect contact once a week.

Therefore is it possible that if your daughter is become so "distressed" at reading your letters that you need another plan of action.

What did you say to the CAFCASS lady? How long is it since youve seen your daughter? What exactly is your daughter saying? What is a history of contact and its problems? Do you know what your exs problems with you are?

Hi Tony and thanks for replying. My ex stopped contact back in March 2011 when I attended parents evening without consulting her. My wife continued to have contact with my daughter until June 2011 when my ex claimed that my daughter didn't want to see my wife or her brothers and sisters anymore. Both me and my wife briefly saw my daughter out playing with friends in October 2011 and she spoke to both of us and in no way came across like she didnt want to talk to us and never once said she didnt want to either. Shortly after my ex moved nearly 150 miles away and since last year I have been fighting to see my daughter. I had a court appearance in September and indirect contact was awarded until my daughter could be spoken to which will be happening next week. My ex says its nothing to do with her and my daughter has her own mind and shes got no desire to see me. My ex has always been controlling and stopped contact anytime I didn't agree with a situation. Come April 2013 it will be 2 years I actually had 'proper' contact with my daughter. I am not sure why my letters would cause upset to my daughter because if as my ex claims shes so hellbent on not seeing me then why be so upset? It makes me wonder if there is a very confused 9 year old whos emotions are all over the place. I am only allowed to write to my daughter every fortnight and I havent had a reply so far.

Just to add as well all this about my daughter not wanting to see me has come from my exs mouth not my daughters, shes never said she doesnt want to see me but then I havent been given the chance to speak to her. I feel that my ex has poisoned her mind over the last 18 months and unfortunately my daughter has always taken what her mum said as gospel. Previously when I visited my ex to ask her to leave my wife alone she said to my daughter 'oh look your dads not here to see you hes here to have a go at mummy', thats just one example of the things she used to say to my daughter. I am distraught as I feel I am going to lose out on having a good relationship with my daughter. I now have to wait to see what the cafcass lady suggests. I feel trapped whatever I do, if I carry on even though my daughter might say she doesnt want to see me will she hate me for it but then if I walk away will she resent that too? I feel I am in a no win situation really.

Has anybody got any suggestions for me at all how to deal with this please?

How about asking cafcass whether they could read a letter from you with your daughter to see her reaction, and you know that she does actually get to read it without her mother there. If that goes well, then you could ask that the court orders that all future letters go to the school to be read by her together with the school pastoral worker and kept in confidence from your ex.

Hi there,

To me, this all revolves around your ex's influence over your daughter. I understand how upsetting this must be for you, but I feel you must hold onto the facts...

1. You had a good and loving relationship with your daughter once, as did her extended family.
2. The ex has a proven record of poisoning her mind and has done this in front of you.
3. Children will say and do what they think their parents want to hear, she has probably seen her mother upset and ranting about you.
4. Even after your ex told you she didnt want to see you and was getting upset, it was disproved when you last saw her in the street.
5. Parental Alienation is a fact.

I would keep on fighting, she needs you to stay strong and fight for her...she cant, but she needs you not to give up on her. Take it all as far as you can until you are faced with irefutable proof that life without you in it is what she actually wants...I dont believe that, and if you search your heart and move the hurt aside, neither do you.

Hi Tandn

Without proof of your ex alienating your daughter I would be very wary of making that allegation. Have you spoken to the school at all? Id she settled at school, does she show any distress when families or fathers are mentioned at school?

Some ideas of how you could progress

1, Ask CAFCASS to share a letter from you with your daughter,
2. Ask for a family support worker.
3. Ask if the school have a counsellor / nurture group type worker who could do some one on one with your daugther.

Note none of these solutions are immediate fixes, but are ways of getting independant people to assess the level of your daughters upset.

It might also be worth sending small presents and gifts with a quick note to your daughter rather than letters, as a way of getting a better response.

Do you family have contact with your daughter? Could they send gifts / have contact?

Hi thanks for all your replies. I am definitely going to ask the cafcass officer about doing that with the letters. Maybe selfish of me but I really hoped I would actually get to see my daughter. Tony I have contacted the school and even though I have seen on facebook that my ex has claimed my daughter has had to have days off school because of all this when I contacted the school they said my daughter was doing well and her attendance was also good, I haven't asked about how she reacts when families are brought up but I do know that my ex refers to her husband as my daughters dad. None of my family have contact with my daughter, my brother asked my ex for her address and she still wouldnt provide it and gave her mums address. I have been ordered by the court to write letters to my daughter and the cafcass lady told me to buy cards to write the letters to show I am making the effort. I am shocked that I may not see my daughter until she is a lot older. I do feel my daughter is suffering from parent alienation as I can't understand how she could reject all her siblings as well, they are completely innocent in all of this. I was kind of hoping that maybe I would at least get the chance to prove to my daughter in person that in actual fact I do care about her very much contrary to what her mum says. I don't know whether to believe that my daughter is actually getting upset or whether this is all lies. Its only my wife so far who has witnessed all this upset, the school haven't mentioned it and the doctors bit could be faked as her mum works for the doctors anyway. I don't want to cause upset to my daughter but I think she has a right to see me and her siblings and have another family away from her mum which I know is something my ex could never accept, she regularly argued with my wife and said how our children were nothing to do with my daughter and always used to try and see who I was more loyal to out of all the children i.e when my wife gave borth to our son my ex said I had to have my daughter overnight on the night my wife had given birth, I refused and she wasn't happy about it. All this is irrelevant now though, I am sick with worry at what my daughter is going to say as I know she will cover up for her mum, she does adore her mum and thinks mum can do no wrong. Don't get me wrong I don't wish to paint a different picture of my ex to my daughter but I do want my daughter to know I love her dearly and don't feel letters can do that as right now I am only allowed to ask her questions, I can't say I love her or anything. With each letter I write as I get no reply it gets harder and harder what to put. I can't express myself fully, its just general chit chat in the letters really. I will be a completely broken man if I don't get to see my daughter and I know my ex will be so chuffed with herself as she will have succeeded in what she intended from the start to completely push me and my family out of my daughters life.

Just wanted to comment on the part about School telling you of her good attendance.

My ex has lied so much in court that she has tripped herself up so many times i'm finding it easy to show her lies in court.....i would email or write a letter to the school asking about how you daughter is doing, ask about her attendance record and if she is getting on with other children and the classes OK.
get the School to reply in writing then use this at court to provide you with proof that your ex is lying to you about the emoitional distress and her having to have time off school because she's so upset by you!

if you have your ex's comments in writing and the reply from the school proving her lying use these in court and show Cafcass.

it may be a small thing but its yet another piece to prove you're being truthful and your ex is trying to drag things out and cost you more money all at the expense of your relationship with your child.

Kept notes, letters, emails, text messages anything that will back you up.....if its in black and white its better than "she said this" or "she said that"

When I say about my exs comments about my daughter some of these have been made on facebook so I have taken pictures of said comments including statuses where she has said she wishes I would just drop dead! I assumed that cafcass would speak to the school anyway as thats where they are meeting my daughter to speak with her. I have contacted the cafcass lady and am waiting for a phonecall back from her to ask about reading out a letter. I am hoping that cafcass decide it is in my daughters best interests that she has contact with the other side of her family. I didn't really bring up much about my ex to the cafcass lady because I didn't want to sound like I was slagging her off. The cafcass lady told me my ex has said I have mental health issues, that I am emotionally abusive and that theres dv in my relationship. I told the cafcass lady that yes I did have a bit of depression in the past but that was it. My ex is trying anything and everything it seems to prevent contact too. I also told cafcass I would be happy for contact to be in a contact centre, I said even though I didn't agree with it I wanted to make my daughter feel as comfortable as possible. Is it normal for cafcass to ring and tell the father the feedback of their child when they speak to them?

I also wanted to add that not only has my ex stopped me from seeing my daughter shes also done it to her mother when they have fallen out, there was also an incident where my exs brother punched her in the face in front of my daughter and my ex stopped contact for a while with him because my daughter was scared but amazingly hes now allowed to see her. Its more a case of if you get on with my ex you can have contact with my daughter but if you don't she will make your life a living [censored] and do all she can to prevent it from happening!

Another update from myself. I had cafcass contact me earlier to tell me they will be interviewing my daughter in school tomorrow and then they will be going to visit my ex afterwards. I asked about reading one of my letters to my daughter but the cafcass lady refused saying she wouldn't need to as she would know straight away by my daughters response if it was her own or being influenced. To be honest the cafcass lady was extremely offhand with me so I am not expecting a great outcome tomorrow. She has said she will contact me tomorrow afternoon to tell me the outcome and what she will be recommending in her report. I think its a pretty much signed deal that I won't be seeing my daughter going by the negative attitude of the cafcass lady on the phone tonight. Meanwhile the ex has been spouting away on facebook how my daughter will finally get to have her say and how she tells everybody that my xs new husband is her dad and doesnt like people asking questions. Am so baffled by all this I really am.