[Solved] Absolutely flabbergasted by the system..

Well, let me start by apologising for the potential length of this; its part rant/part advice seeking.
I was with my ex-partner for 3 years; we split up at the end of a holiday before discovering we were pregnant. Both my ex-partner and I work with children.

We subsequently have tried and tried to make it work but sadly couldn’t. I loved this girl more than I’ve ever loved anyone else and hoped she’d be my wife but sadly again this did not happen as we did not seem to be able to make it work. We split on the negatives rather than a lack of positives. There has been no cheating, drug or alcohol misuse or domestic violence.

During the pregnancy, I provided a TENS machine, a cot, monitor, nappies, clothing, chest of drawers, cot bumpers, thermometers, breast pump, sterilisers, bottles etc. etc. I even found and delivered maternity tights.
I attended all antenatal appointments and scans and regularly spent time with her and moved back in for 2 weeks prior to birth until the baby was 8-9 weeks old. I took paternity leave, I was a full-time parents, took to community midwife etc. The status quo was that I shared parenting. She napped for 2-3 hours each afternoon whilst I looked after, she even went out with friends. I was at the birth; I was the first person in this world to change, dress and such the baby. I was even given the job of the lovely meconium clean up…there were photographs posted onto social media claiming me to be ‘amazing’ and a ‘[censored] natural’.

Initially when I left the home, I was allowed one weekend day and two hours on an evening x 2 to see the baby. I made adjustments at work in order to have a full day off midweek which will mean when she returns to work I can provide childcare. This took 6 weeks to streamline and when I asked for more time at the weekend until then I was met with ‘take leave as I have friends that want to meet the baby too’. I did this and had the child for 3 full days in one week, whilst she attended a wedding for e.g. She asked me if I’d consider returning to the home and I couldn’t, I needed to be out of this relationship now, but made the point that I was leaving the relationship, not or child.
Following this I managed to get a full day midweek off, we had agreed that I would care for the child on this day, a day at the weekend and for 2 hours in an evening as the time between contacts seems longer for an infant. At 6 months overnight contact (the baby has already spent an overnight with its grandmother) would start eventually increasing to 2 overnights per week until old enough to be one overnight midweek and alternating weekends for leisure time, although I’d be happy with the original arrangements. I was providing nappies and milk, bottles and wipes whilst also paying £50 a week. We seemed to be managing this well.

Then came another request to return for a conversation about ‘us’, I refused.

I subsequently bought a two bedroom property 12 minutes away from our home so I could be proximal to the baby, I have never lived in the area before and it was chosen largely for this reason as I work over an hour’s drive away.
Then it started, I was informed that she had spoken to solicitor and that ‘case law’ indicated that I was only entitled to 2 hours per week on a Saturday morning and I should count myself lucky she’s so reasonable. This was the first indication that the division of parenting time was to be used as a weapon to wield power. I stated that I would have to seek my own legal advice about this.

The letter arrived laying out that I wish to continue with the previous family based agreement and that I had parental responsibility etc. Her response was ‘I have received your letter and my solicitor advises I remove the midweek contact’. No explanation given. The following week the evening contact was removed. No explanation given. I’m subsequently banned from all further medical appointments, even if the baby is due to be in my care, I simply get less contact time. She states as his primary carer she is most appropriately there rather than I.
She refused mediation.

I emailed as not to be classed a harassing (which in itself I find amusing considering if I don’t contact I’m ‘absent’) requesting explanation, when this would end and what the plan for the future was. She then stated lets go to mediation. Still no agreements or proposals, just ‘let’s get mediation out of the way’. Then she refused to attend mediation at the solicitor’s office I chose (independent and not my solicitor just 3 miles away from her) stating it was too close to home and work, but appointed her own solicitor just 0.1 miles away from the mediation service. The mediator spoke with her several times and she refused based upon potential embarrassment. The service then offered me the mediation certificate. So now I have the option to go to court, however despite having PR and being told it means I share responsibility it’s clear that this still errs on the side of the mother. My position now is I no longer feel mediation is suitable after my meeting. There is no legal authority to a mediation agreement. Therefore my lack of trust for her (as can be evidenced) repeated changing her mind would mean she could breach this as and when she pleases. And ignore my legal rights as a father with parental responsibility. I feel this needs authority higher than ours to remove the ability to continue to dictate everything.

Further to this, I received a phone call from child maintenance services saying she had made an application and I now have a schedule of payments to make. This is taken from my gross salary not the net salary so is much more significant than people realise. This was also unnecessary. It does not go on want she earns or owns or the household income, just mine, the proof that I had been paying also meant nothing and I was liable from the time of application. This is also affected by the amount of time I have the baby, which I am now not allowed, their advice was to seek legal advice but I had to pay the amount based on what my ex has stated to be fact. The government enforce this from a simple £20 application. This unfortunately isn’t the case when it comes to fathers’ rights/contact.

My ex-partner will not talk, she tells me. Then accuses me of the same. I’m tired of hearing women state ‘just stop contact’, unless there is a risk to the child this is ridiculous using a child to wield power over an ex. PR seems irrelevant, If I were to stop contact and keep the child from its mother I’d be accused of abduction, I’ve been informed she’s taking our child out of the country for ‘up to 14 days’ whilst simultaneously telling me she has a right to do this for up to 28 days without my permission and that the grandparents have ‘grandparents rights’ (one of which has never met the baby). Again I’d be accused of abduction if I did the same. What worries me more is that her parents actually live abroad and there is no reason (such as a holiday ending) to return promptly.

I love my child above all else, I have been with the baby since birth and now am allowed to see 1-2 times a week dependent on her allowance and timescales. Why am I ‘allowed’ contact but demanding provision in other areas? All based on my ex’s say so. This child gave meaning to everything I do in life and now I’m denied for no reasonable explanation.

I have no issue providing for my child (this is often the first thing single mum’s state) but my responsibility goes beyond financial, it’s physical and emotional.

Again, I pay, I want to still see, I want overnight stays that are granted to her mother (grandmother), I want to continue our quality relationship, I can settle the baby, and this is adversely affecting the baby. Why is the system and women generally so biased toward men and fathers? I’m sorry about that sweeping generalisation but all her friends are rallying to stop my contact and demand money etc. this is our child not a handbag I'm renting.

I asked if I could see him this evening as he was poorly, she requested I see her email (where she removed Thursdays).

I really hope you can help and advise.

We discovered a pregnancy after we seperated. We were amicable. We attended all scans together and regularly spent time.together whilst I.spoke.to the bump. I was at the birth. I got.her.tens machines and maternity tights and.took them too.her. Trust me I don't underestimate what she did, I was there, she was a beast.

We lived together 2.5 weeks before due.date.so.I could look.after her. I stayed off.work.for 5.5 weeks kneading her boobs on valentines.day, dipping.them in a bowl.of water. Youtubing latch. 125 quid breast pump that ended up.with.me dubbing her 'dairy crest' as she.could.knock.out 6oz very early on. I cared.for.the.baby whilst she.went out to.weddings and used.to.do.night bottle feeds of aptamil.or expressed.milk so.She could.recover. I cleaned.the meconium, I showed mum.how to.bathe and change him as she was inexperienced (I.had a much.younger sister). The baby did not become distressed when I fed or when she went out.

3 weeks after returning.to.work I left again when things had settled. We had an agreement in place that the baby would.come.to.me.overnight and the following.day after 6 months, she returns.to.work and I.can organise the day.off. It was all agreed. I left £400 and.delivered nappies etc and was on 3 contacts.

She.asked.me.to.return.to the relationship, I.refused. Then I.was threatened with her solicitors advice that 2 hours per week is.all.I'm.entitled I saw a solicitor who.wrote.to.her saying that was ridiculous.

Boom! I received an email.stating her solicitor had recommended removed contact and I would hear from.the legal.team the same day she received.

Nothing arrived within a month, I asked for explanation and proposals such as later overnights. Nothing came. I requested mediation, she didn't attend, instead she's leaving the country, the.mediator signed.to this effect. I now see the baby once a week.for a few hours, more if she's feeling.generous. So.it was recommended I.go.to.court, I informed.her, then received a.call.from the CMS despite paying, they took my evidence and allowed a months delay for.what I'd paid!

I'm asking.to.stick.to.what we agreed? Or.at least say something? Not dictate our relationship as and when she.pleases. Just because she is ' the mum'. The solicitor doesn't think my contact request is unreasonable and accounts for 27% of a week. 12% is asleep.

Clearly I'm a terrible person, father and human being.

It's no wonder some just bunk.

Penelope Leach is being quoted again!