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Hi, I'm new to the forum and have had a good look through, finding some great advice but I have a relatively messed up situation on my hands and with that, some pressing concerns that if they can be at least partly addressed, would allow me a little peace of mind.
From the start I suppose..
I was due to marry my ex in febuary past but the relationship disolved beyond fixing and it didnt happen. She was pregnant at the time (I am aware of how bad that makes me sound). I am a serving soldier and based in Germany since March. After arriving in Germany, perhaps a month or so into my posting, I recieved an email telling me that the pregnancy was twins. A short while later I recieved an email asking me to phone my ex's mother, which led to a conversation where I found that one of the boys had died. A month or so later (29th may to be exact) I recieved yet another email asking me to call the lass herself. I was told that the death of the wee baby had triggered labour and that a full week previously I had become the father of a boy born at 26 weeks gestation and that he was in neo natal ICU in yorkshire.
That is kind of a broad outline of the last few months but some gaps need filling to explain my questions. From the day the relationship between the mother and myself broke down I began making payments of £200 per month towards the costs of preparing for the birth. I once reduced this amount to £100 on being told that I would not be informed of any progress regarding the pregnancy but after a guilt trip increased it again the following month. I drove to the uk within 24 hours of being told of the birth and have been allowed unrestricted access to the lad on his ward, named as father to the doctors etc. I have paid, in cash, the amount that the CSA declare on their site is correct for my income this month.
So, the questions..The army being the army does not like to recognise relationships, adult or children, unless there is documented evidence. In order to get paternity leave (i am on compassionate leave just now) and be able to 'register' my son with them, I will need to provide a copy of the birth certificate. The children were registered before I was aware of their births, and the mother has said this was neccessary due to the need for a death certificate for one. I tend to believe her. However, I have also explained my need to be on the birth certificate and she is very reluctant to agree. I kind of need to know if there is anything that I can do to force the issue should it be required. I also would like to know if there are any material reasons for excluding me, or indeed including me on it (ie, CSA involvement etc)
Secondly, and the real reason for looking for info today, despite me making payments through the pregnancy of roughly the amount due after birth and despite me carrying that on after the birth, she has informed me that she is going to go down the CSA route. I was told that if an absent parent is making payments that are acceptable, on time and without fail, the CSA would not become involved. She has told me that this is incorrect. She does recieve state benefits (unsure as to which) and I understand that the CSA will contact her because of that but also that she may be worse off by using their services. I am responsible for the lad and have every intention of providing what I can and have proven this to her repeatedly and with having read some horror stories involving soldiers and the CSA I am kind of desperate to avoid their intervention if at all possible.
The CSA thing was dropped on me at the end of a pretty difficult visit so anger is now added to the concern (panic?) over a baby that weighs less tht 850 grams. I had shelved all thoughts of legalities until the situation with my son had improved and her attitude in allowing me access had given me hope that we would be able to reach an arrangement on finances and visitation rights going forward but her reluctance to help with the birth certificate and the 'threat' of involving the CSA have brought huge doubts to the surface.
Appologies for the length, once started I couldnt stop, and thank you in advance for any insights or advice.
Actually, one last quick question..
the lad who died, can I be added to the birth certificate retrospectively?
Hi and welcome to the forum.
OK, firstly, you made the comment:
>(I am aware of how bad that makes me sound).
I wouldn't normally pass judgement, but in this case I will. You sound like a very caring person who is committed to your child (unfortunately only one under the circumstances) and your ex while she was pregnant, so I would say that you are very high up in my estimation 🙂
Right, onto the questions. Firstly, as you say, there are some scare stories about the CSA, but if you are paying what you are supposed to, then there is no reason to worry about them at all - you could try making a private arrangement to pay maintenance, but if she refuses, let it go to the CSA., and you'll have proof of payment anyway. The CSA only calculate back to the date when they were approached, and if you cooperate with them, then you should have no problem - if you pay less than you do now, it's entirely up to you what you do with the extra you have been paying - a savings account for your son is always one good option. Whatever you do, stop paying in cash - you need to prove that you have been paying so cheque or a direct transfer is much better, or ask the CSA if you can start paying immediately through them.
With regards to the question on the birth certificate (for both children), I will ask our experts at the CCLC to answer on this as this is more than just PR you want. Keep checking back
Dear Squaddie,
Thank you for your query.
In regards to being named on the birth certificate, firstly we would advise for you to attempt to negotiate with the mother regarding this as if she were to agree you would be able to re-register your son’s birth and be named on the birth certificate.
However, if she does not agree it would be advisable to apply for a Specific Issue Order to be named on the birth certificate for your son. If this order is granted this would mean that once you are placed on the birth certificate you will have parental responsibility for your son, which will give you the same legal rights and responsibilities as the mother and you would hold these until your child reaches 18.
If you did wish to apply for a Specific Issue Order you must do this under a C100 form which you can obtain from either your local court or online via www.justice.gov.uk. Once you obtain the form you must complete this and lodge it at the court closest to where the child resides. Once you obtain a court hearing then the matter would be decided before the court and would be based on what’s in the best interests of your child as contained within the Child Welfare Checklist which is set out in the Children Act 1989.
In regards to being placed on the birth certificate for your son who sadly passed away, we require more information in order to be able to advise you on this matter. If you were able to, please contact us on 0808 802 0008, or alternatively if you would prefer, you may wish to contact us via our web chat facility. The link to our webchat facility is http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/index.php?page=web_chat.
Yours sincerely,
Coram Children’s Legal Centre
Hi and welcome to the forum.
OK, firstly, you made the comment:
>(I am aware of how bad that makes me sound).
I wouldn't normally pass judgement, but in this case I will. You sound like a very caring person who is committed to your child (unfortunately only one under the circumstances) and your ex while she was pregnant, so I would say that you are very high up in my estimation 🙂
Right, onto the questions. Firstly, as you say, there are some scare stories about the CSA, but if you are paying what you are supposed to, then there is no reason to worry about them at all - you could try making a private arrangement to pay maintenance, but if she refuses, let it go to the CSA., and you'll have proof of payment anyway. The CSA only calculate back to the date when they were approached, and if you cooperate with them, then you should have no problem - if you pay less than you do now, it's entirely up to you what you do with the extra you have been paying - a savings account for your son is always one good option. Whatever you do, stop paying in cash - you need to prove that you have been paying so cheque or a direct transfer is much better, or ask the CSA if you can start paying immediately through them.
With regards to the question on the birth certificate (for both children), I will ask our experts at the CCLC to answer on this as this is more than just PR you want. Keep checking back
Thanks for the kind words. I have taken a beating from her and her family for a while now and it is sometimes easy to start to believe it myself.
All previous payments had been made via internet banking transfer, into her brothers account, presumably because she didnt want them to be visible. I tagged the payments with her name but I do realize that as I was paying before the birth, it will count for nothing anyway. The only reason I paid in cash this month was simply that we were both at the hospital and it kind of made sense. When she mentioned the CSA I asked her for a reciept for that months money which I was told in no uncertain terms was bang out of order and that she was just trying to keep everything above board (I see the contradiction, I'm sure you do too but apparently she didnt).
We had a wee drama yesterday that kind of turned out to be fantastic for me. 2 Days ago we had a brief and friendly chat on the phone regarding the birth certs. I asked around and spent a deal of time online and found some good help. I let her know that if she was struggling to find time or was unsure of what she wanted, I could take it out of her hands as a problem and deal with it myself via a court and so long as she had no objections, she would not need to become involved at all. The conversation ended on a decent note, both agreeing that considering the circumstances, nominating a visiting time for 2 days later in order to avoid getting in each others way might be an idea. So, 2 days later I am on the motorway when I get a phone call from my Sargeant Major notifying me that a complaint had been made from her father to my regiment over harrassment. No specific instances were brought up and the SSM is a sensible chap who simply told me to make sure I didnt do anything daft and get arrested. It was a watershed moment for me and that day I booked an appointment with a solicitor locally. I had seen this as the nucear option, a last resort until the phone call and the fact that something I had been trying to avoid at all costs was suddenly a reality was a very liberating moment, I didnt have to worry about it happening anymore. The long and the short is that I have paid a lump sum to a solicitor (ironically cash that I had borrowed to help her out with transport and parking etc at the hospital) and instructed them to send a letter of notice regarding applications for parental responsibility, a formalized visiting schedule while the lad is in hospital to allow myself and my family access without worrying about accusations or general nastyness, to inform her that I was willing to pay her privately next month but thereafter it would need to be done through the CSA after a proper assessement and to generally let her be well aware that this is not a situation that will see her continue to have everything her own way.
I feel bad about escalating things during a difficult time but genuinely felt that moves were being made by her and her family to cause later problems and that by acting quickly and decisively I might just be able to calm the situation to everyones benefit.
Thanks for the advice, it certainly helped my decision regarding the CSA. I have no intentions of trying to short-change the chid so really have nothing to fear from them at all.
Dear Squaddie,
Thank you for your query.
In regards to being named on the birth certificate, firstly we would advise for you to attempt to negotiate with the mother regarding this as if she were to agree you would be able to re-register your son’s birth and be named on the birth certificate.
However, if she does not agree it would be advisable to apply for a Specific Issue Order to be named on the birth certificate for your son. If this order is granted this would mean that once you are placed on the birth certificate you will have parental responsibility for your son, which will give you the same legal rights and responsibilities as the mother and you would hold these until your child reaches 18.
If you did wish to apply for a Specific Issue Order you must do this under a C100 form which you can obtain from either your local court or online via www.justice.gov.uk. Once you obtain the form you must complete this and lodge it at the court closest to where the child resides. Once you obtain a court hearing then the matter would be decided before the court and would be based on what’s in the best interests of your child as contained within the Child Welfare Checklist which is set out in the Children Act 1989.
In regards to being placed on the birth certificate for your son who sadly passed away, we require more information in order to be able to advise you on this matter. If you were able to, please contact us on 0808 802 0008, or alternatively if you would prefer, you may wish to contact us via our web chat facility. The link to our webchat facility is http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/index.php?page=web_chat.
Yours sincerely,
Coram Children’s Legal Centre
Thanks for taking time to reply. As said above, I have instructed a solicitor to begin working towards resolving the birth certificate/responsibility issue. Due to the further breakdown in the relationship between the mother and myself any negotiation will have to be done through solicitors now. The advice I recieved was that there was a better than fair chance that simply seeing I was willing to fight to apply my rights might be enough to settle this particular matter and further action would not be neccessary but I guess we will see shortly.
Regarding the birth certificate of the brother, I will give that number a ring as it is not something I brought up with the solicitor. Thanks again for the time taken.
The little lad passed away yesterday. Thanks for the advice but it is all moot now.
Hi Squaddie,
Really sorry to hear that, you must be in peices, if there is anything any of us can do give us a shout, if you need to talk or get things off your chest feel free.
Darren
Hi Squaddie,
No words can describe how you must be feeling right now. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I just wanted to echo what Darren said; if you need anything, anything at all, please don't hesitate to get in touch.
Best wishes,
FM '70
I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through now.
Please keep in touch when you feel you are able to.
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