TOPIC: I miss my son so much

I miss my son so much 3 months 1 week ago #85714

Hi
I've just joined ,and wanted some advice
Split up with my ex wife 3.5 years ago after being together for 16 years (she was having an affair)
We got two sons together one is 16 the other is 12.
I'm not even gonna lie my whole world collapsed when she left me and I was a complete mess ,nearly losing my house because of her ,fell out with all of my family because of her ,but worst of all ,I've not seen my eldest son in over three years,we had an argument on Christmas Day and he stormed out of my house and I've not seen him since,tell a lie I saw him a few weeks after that when he and his mother were trying to break into my house to take stuff
I was very angry that she would manipulate him to try and do such a thing.
Things have quitened down since then,but he refuses all contact with me completely
I've written to him ,rang him ,texted him ,contacted his school liaison officer ,I've tried everything and I just get nothing back,except occasionally the odd reply in which he says he's not in the right mindset to see me
I don't know for sure it's even my son I'm communicating with ,it could possibly be my ex wife
I send him money at birthdays and Christmas he cashes the cheques I send but never says thankyou ,it's as if I dont exist anymore .
It's so painful ,we were so close until me and his mother split up ,and I just find it so sad that I never saw him leave school ,I've not seen any pictures of him in three years ,I've no idea what he looks like any more ,it kills me,keeps me awake at night i think about him every day ,and I feel really depressed and down about it
My other son stays with me three days a week but never mentions his brother to me ,I don't ask any questions I don't want my youngest son to feel uncomfortable,I pay for both my sons financially which I'm happy to do .
I talk to different people about my situation and most people say oh it's his age he'll come round eventually,but I think as time goes on with no communication,the chances of him coming round becomes more slim.
I just wish he'd give me a chance to be his dad before it's too late and we completely drift apart .
The only way I can describe it is almost like a living grief,absolutely awful feeling
Any comments and advice would be greatly appreciated.
  • Jmw1977
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I miss my son so much 3 months 1 week ago #85715

Fixing any kind of broken relationship is difficult. Whether it's an emotional relationship with a partner, a member of your family or just a friend.
Does your son blame you for your relationship with your ex falling apart? Or did you argue about something else entirely? If he was 13 when you last saw him then at that age he would be still processing things as a child, or at least not quite as an adult yet. His decision to not talk to you any more could be hard-wired into his thoughts as a result of the rationalisations he came to at that time.
I can't think of any answers immediately other than perhaps you could invite him to spend some time with you, possibly doing something he likes - snooker, fishing, chess, football, computer games, whatever. Or alternatively something that's just fun that he's never tried before - I had a great day out the other week with some friends where we had to escape from a room by solving puzzles and went for a meal later. Maybe your other son could help decide the best way to go about things.
If the invitation works, the time you spend together may serve as a distraction from having to address emotional issues but will still give you a chance to break the ice and show that you just want to be a dad and make up for lost time.
If you do meet up then how you approach your problems with him might be critical to how things progress in the future. If you are too hard on him or try to talk about things he's not ready to discuss yet he might back off. Just try and have fun and let him come around in his own time. Whether you spend time with him alone or with other people around might also create tension or help the situation. Only you can decide. Maybe you will never get around to discussing your previous problems - a new start without bringing up old issues might just be the best way to get past them.
If you don't discuss your problems while you're together, just end it with a hug or just say you had a good time. If you've done something that really upset him just be honest and apologise. You can't do any more than be sincere and hope that he forgives you. Even if you don't hear from him immediately after, you could try again a few weeks or months later.
If the invitation doesn't work I don't know what to suggest. Maybe you could ask someone else to talk to him and explain how you feel. It could just be that he's content living his life the way it is - maybe he has a girlfriend or something and he's focused on that? I don't know.
I really think the only way you're going to know the best way to approach things is to talk to your other son. A good long talk with him or just an occasional comment here and there might give you a clue how to approach him and find out a way to make things work. That doesn't mean you have to include your other son in any activity you think is best. We were all teenagers once and I'll admit I didn't think rationally at that time. Maybe having your other son around will make him feel that he has to save face or maybe it will just create more awkwardness or tension. Again only you can decide. I think I remember seeing a documentary by Michael Mosley (it might be worth trying to find a copy to watch) explaining that teenagers minds are rebellious by nature and it's just the way their bodies are evolving or the chemicals/hormones are interacting that make them the way they are. See www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-13425236
Most of us grow out of the teenage mindset and mellow out so as people have said to you, it could just be that time fixes everything for you as he matures and becomes his own man.
Good luck either way.
  • Paul_6611
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I miss my son so much 3 months 1 week ago #85716

Hi JMW,

Just want to say I read about your son, and I hear you, all so well mate. I'm really sorry, it's so sad.

Like you, I don't see my son(and daughter), and it's been coming up a year and a half. I miss them so much, all the time, every minute. I remember everything. Sometimes I wish I didn't have my memories, because they just kill me. Yesterday is such a sad concept.

I don't know what will happen, but I fear what you fear. He will not change his mind, and we will lose each other all together, if we haven't already.

You are always there for him though bro, and he knows that. What he does with it is on him. Kids get angry. People get angry, and they blame others.

Anyway, hang in there, Scott
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I miss my son so much 3 months 1 week ago #85725

Hi there

This must be so hard for you and I can fully understand how distressed you feel... You are grieving for the loss of your son and are going through all of the same emotions as those grieving the passing of a loved one.

I think you are totally right not to involve your younger child, you want him to enjoy his time spent with you, unburdened by the issues that exist between you and his brother. I'm sure he will think about the situation and perhaps he may want to share these with you at some point.

Many children that are estranged from a parent, will often not feel able to act to change their position for fear of upsetting the parent they live with. Im pretty sure your son will be feeling this and also that as the oldest, it's his job to protect his mother... all feelings that will obstruct his movement towards you at the moment.

Once he becomes more independent from his mother you might find that his position will change, especially as you have maintained a good relationship with his brother. I'm sure he will be as curious as you...I think you just have to be patient and hope that he will find the strength to make a move towards you.

I would carry on doing what you're doing, your love for him is unconditional and I think it's important to continue to express your feelings in the cards and letters that you send him. If you have a Facebook page/Twitter account send him a link and mention that he might like to see photos etc., no pressure... Social media is the younger generations way of communicating and this may be a way of opening some dialogue...Instagram, snapchat, what's app...all used by the younger kids.

Best of luck
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I miss my son so much 3 months 1 week ago #85770

I agree with mojo. You are not loading this onto your younger son, so you are keeping a good relationship with him, and hopefully at sometime in the future, your older son might just want to come along with his brother to see what he's been missing.
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