TOPIC: Do I respond to my ex?

Do I respond to my ex? 4 months 1 week ago #85232

Hey All,

A little bit of background first off;
- I've got a little girl with my ex aged 7 years.
- Me and her mother split around 4 years ago.
- Until just shy of a year ago I had a regular schedule for contact with my daughter, albeit not as much as I would have liked or as much as it had been in the past, it was in place and my daughter and I both generally knew when we would be seeing one another.
- Her mother used to put restraints on where I could take my daughter and things I could do with her and it caused its own fair share of issues for me.
- I lost my job and couldn't afford maintenance for a month, her mother stopped all contact.
- I've since been paying regular maintenance again, and contact has not resumed.
- Despite consistent attempts to contact my daughter via her iPad and to engage her mother to reinstate some kind of contact none has materialised.
- She has since moved house, and has not told me the whereabouts of my daughter.

So bringing us forward;
- I met with a mediator who attempted to contact her, however, he received no response.
- I therefore have gone to the next step of filing a C100 and a C4 with the courts to try to attain my daughters whereabouts and to get a contact order put into place.
- Yesterday my ex made contact off of a number I didn't know and told me that she'd spoken with my daughter and asked her if she wanted to see me and apparently she'd been saying for months that she doesn't want to, that I don't pay her attention, and she gets bored etc. Her mum has told her that if she could clear those things up with me then would she want to see me, after initially saying no my daughter has apparently agreed.
- My daughter then called me and left a voicemail which I missed. My daughters voicemail sounded extremely rehearsed and almost sounded like she was being prompted - This is my biggest concern, I don't want my daughter to have her head played with like that.
- So I've responded to the text message, the gist of which was me saying of course I'd like to speak about it, however in the interest of transparency told her that I'd applied to the court and told her that if we could agree on a few things before it would be easier for everyone.

Now the serious part;
- Since my first reply she started to throw accusations into the mix, saying that she wants to go to court because issues of neglect need to addressed and if they can't be then supervised contact needs to take place. She went on to say she'd have to speak to my daughter again about speaking with me because I upset her when I didn't return her call and went on to say I float in and out of her life, which is clearly ridiculous.
- I responded stating that I only want to discuss our daughter and come to some agreements on contact before course. I told her that I'm not prepared to argue about anything she'd said, I wasn't wanting to point the finger or argue about the past, just that I wanted to be part of my daughters life again. I proposed my daughter coming along to meet me with her mother in attendance so that she could speak to me about these concerns herself and I could try to give her some reassurance and speak to her about the things that are happening (and if I'm honest, I just wanna see my little girl).
- She then responded by telling me the past plays a massive part in the future (?) and that the behaviour I've previously shown is detrimental to the relationship with my daughter. She said there was no arguing because proof of my actions came to light. She refused for m daughter to be in attendance because things need to be said in an adult manner before they're said before a child. She's then made the accusation that "Previous attempts to speak to you have not ended well with your violent and threatening manner, so until these things are sorted and the environment is safe for *daughter* to be a part of she will not be there." Then ended with her stating she's happy to wait until court if I wish and that my daughter wont be present in the court (?) and that "these things can take years so it's up to you how you want to act in *daughter*'s best interest."

Can anyone tell me with all of these accusations (which are untrue) flying around, what is my best move from here?
Would I be best off just to ignore her? Tell her I'll wait until court? Refute her accusations?

It seems she's trying to set a stage here or maybe even trying to poke at me to try to get a reaction for something to show the court?

Any advice would be greatly received.
The administrator has disabled public write access.

Do I respond to my ex? 4 months 1 week ago #85237

Hi there

I think there's a certain amount of game playing here, and because of her behaviour and the allegations she is making, I would advise waiting for court.

You could write to her and suggest that you would be willing to resume contact in a Contact Centre until the hearing, here's a link to the contact centres website where you can find information about centres in your daughters location. You could include information about what's available in the letter.

www.naccc.org.uk

The court will obviously want to look into any allegations, CAFCASS will want to do a safeguarding report prior to the first hearing, your ex is highly likely to make the allegations at this point, but you will have a chance to answer them. Try to keep your responses child focussed, sometimes rising above the nastiness will go in your favour, so no tit for tat. CAFCASS will contact Social Services and the police to find out if here has been any past involvement, generally they will interview you over the phone.

Generally the court will look into any allegations, it would be remiss of them not to, but if allegations can't be proven, they will usually disregard them in favour of contact, they may order that contact start in a contact centre for a short while and then be progressed out into the community, but it's very difficult to predict what the court might decide...best not to try and second guess, just take it as it comes and deal with it as calmly and reasonably as you can.

It's a good idea to prepare a brief position statement to take with you to the first hearing, just a couple of pages, giving a little background, the issues and what you would like the court to do. There's a template and further info that I can link if you need it.

All the best
  • Mojo
  • Mojo's Avatar
  • OFFLINE
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 5640
  • Thank you received: 1302
DadTalk Moderator

Not legally trained... just plenty of experience and common sense!
The administrator has disabled public write access.
The following user(s) said Thank You: GettinSwollen

Do I respond to my ex? 4 months 1 week ago #85256

Hey, first of all thanks for your response, it was helpful and confirmed a few things I already thought.

I think there is definitely games being played and as I said I think she is setting the stage in an attempt to say what a bad person I am albeit based on completely false accusations.
The issue I have with all of these allegations is having to sit and defend myself to a bunch of strangers when the claims are so ridiculous.

I already sent in a position statement when I sent the c100 application so I think I've got that part covered.

I think I'll put it to her about seeing my daughter in a contact centre, she opened the exchange we've had by trying to come across that she wants me to have a relationship with my daughter so we'll see if that's the case when I suggest the contact centre to her.

Thanks again
The administrator has disabled public write access.

Do I respond to my ex? 4 months 5 days ago #85289

Hi.

I am know means a expert but I've been through this and so have friends and just like to give a little something back to the forum threw my experience. Mojo had given me some great advice along my journey

Reading what you have said it's seems to me through ball is well rolling and any chance of being amicable with your ex quite difficult. I think sometimes once the c100 is filed it can add a bit of fuel to the fire and anger your ex further so be careful if speaking to her because she could be looking for accuses to use against you and you don't want to make the situation worst which is sometimes very difficult if your ex is unwilling to compromise.

From I've experienced so far once the c100 is off its just a matter of time and patients and box ticking. I would not worry about the allegations until they are mentioned when you go to court. Once allegations are made the courts will likely take caution but they will basically get to the bottom of it how they see fit and will looked to move forward.

I was accused of drugs/being crazy basically/threating to abduct my son abroad.

Like I said caution was taken and I just had to tick the boxes the courts wanted. I had hair test for drugs/ gp letter say not crazy/ and I gave temp residents to my ex for the abduction thing although I never had a problem my son living at his mums.

3 months on the boxes was ticked and I'm moving forward nicely. It's a sad state of affairs that it takes the time it does but unfortunately there are false allegations but some true ones and the courts just want the child's to be safe and have a good future.

Best or luck.
  • MrB179
  • MrB179's Avatar
  • OFFLINE
  • Junior Boarder
  • Just another dad who gone through the system.
  • Posts: 75
  • Thank you received: 16
The administrator has disabled public write access.
The following user(s) said Thank You: Mojo

Do I respond to my ex? 4 months 5 days ago #85291

...once allegations have been made they have to check them out, as the child's safety is their only concern. It's astounding how many women think it's ok to make false allegations, but to be honest there are no repercussions for them, perhaps if there were, it wouldn't happen so much!

Do let us know how you get on with suggesting using a Contact centre.

All the best
  • Mojo
  • Mojo's Avatar
  • OFFLINE
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 5640
  • Thank you received: 1302
DadTalk Moderator

Not legally trained... just plenty of experience and common sense!
The administrator has disabled public write access.

Do I respond to my ex? 4 months 3 days ago #85332

It certainly is astounding. But the reason from what I gather is to not put people off from coming forward. It's such a shame on the real victims. I also read that since legal aid has stopped domestic violence has gone up 75%. How do you get legal aid now.... claim domestic abuse lol joke and lucky this didn't happen to me and my ex hand to put her hand in her pocket. I'd like to see some fines in place or community service for lying but from what I gather women can continue to break corners with little of this.

The only thing we can do as father's is keep fighting and pushing forward.
  • MrB179
  • MrB179's Avatar
  • OFFLINE
  • Junior Boarder
  • Just another dad who gone through the system.
  • Posts: 75
  • Thank you received: 16
The administrator has disabled public write access.

Do I respond to my ex? 4 months 2 days ago #85333

I couldn't agree with MrB more or Mojo more. As a victim of false allegations it is a terrible thing to experience, having your children withheld from you when you know you've done nothing wrong. Why nothing is done about it is beyond me - do these women have no care for how their children are affected by their lies. Having now filed my application to the courts I hope that something will be done but I doubt it. I actually have recorded evidence of my ex admitting her lies and she still has the audacity to act as though she's a victim. It's a farce and the injustice of it is wrong on many levels. I'm sure they stand around on the playground discussing what lies to make up and laugh at how they get away with it.
  • Paul_6611
  • Paul_6611's Avatar
  • NOW ONLINE
  • Senior Boarder
  • Posts: 193
  • Thank you received: 30
The administrator has disabled public write access.

Do I respond to my ex? 4 months 2 days ago #85345

There should be consequences to lies to get legal aid - at the very least, the repayment of the legal aid costs, but really should be classed as perjury or fraud.
  • actd
  • actd's Avatar
  • NOW ONLINE
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 9581
  • Thank you received: 1468
If we have helped you in any way, please help DAD.info by placing your votes on the Aviva Funding Competition website for DAD.info – please click here: community-fund.aviva.co.uk/voting/project/view/17-4643 thank you.
The administrator has disabled public write access.

Do I respond to my ex? 4 months 1 day ago #85349

Not just consequences for getting legal aid. Making false allegations usually directly results in estrangement between father and children - the effects these lies have on the father can be devastating with the stress of wondering if your children will be kept from you forever, if the courts, cafcass, social services etc are just going to believe the allegations. Children have their fathers, for all intents and purposes, taken away from them for all but a few hours a week or altogether. I've read many posts where fathers say they haven't seen their children for months or years. Sometimes fathers just walk away from it all because they can't deal with the stress of everything.

As a side note, the legal aid agency confirmed to me that the allegations against me qualified their criteria for domestic violence. I was still refused legal aid because my doctors refused to complete their template letter confirming domestic violence. Also fitting their criteria were the threats of violence made against me from my ex partners family. I even offered to show recordings I'd made where my ex admitted she'd lied about her allegations and confirmed the threats of violence. My doctors refused to look at the recordings and it was later confirmed by my MP that their reasoning was that they couldn't prove it would be my ex in the recordings. I could obviously show a wealth of family photographs and video's proving that it's her.

The government have set up these rules to enable people to qualify for legal aid. What they don't tell you is that the doctors don't have to do anything because they act as private businesses and can act independently of government criteria. In the words of my MP's staff, they can't force the doctors to complete the template letter - they're private businesses. Even the MP refuses to complete the letter or view my recordings - surely as the highest authority possible they could have some say in enabling me to get legal aid. But they simply refuse.

I will never ever vote for these people again - that they can set up a system so unfair and biased against fathers is an insult to justice and equality. That they can put a blanket quosh on fathers receiving any benefits and housing towards supporting their children whilst mothers receive everything. That fathers are forced to pay maintenance for days that they have their children but cannot prove it. This is not to mention the huge legal fee's they are forced to pay (I've seen some members quote figures of over £10,000) to simply enable them to be a father to their children. Good people, trying to do the right thing! I hope other fathers will also refrain from voting for a government that supports such policies. The truth is that we are dancing to the tune of a political agenda that saves the government billions, an industry or infrastructure that makes huge fortunes from our simple misfortune of being fathers instead of mothers and a legal system that offers little or no justice. And we are powerless to do anything about it.

There is simply no justice offered by our government towards the fathers who are victimised, ignored, discriminated against and left without the most precious people in their lives, their children. Punitive measures towards mothers who flaunt the rules are infrequent at best. What a joke! And the joke is on fathers.
  • Paul_6611
  • Paul_6611's Avatar
  • NOW ONLINE
  • Senior Boarder
  • Posts: 193
  • Thank you received: 30
Last Edit: 4 months 1 day ago by Paul_6611.
The administrator has disabled public write access.

Do I respond to my ex? 4 months 1 day ago #85353

Coming back to GS's original questions.

I would echo Mojo's sentiments and try to get supervised contact established at a centre asap. Supervised sessions are monitored and a report is produced and is likely to be the first step a court would suggest in reestablishing contact anyway. It could save you weeks or months if you have managed to have some sessions prior to the hearing.

Best of luck. Let us know how you get on.
  • Yoda
  • Yoda's Avatar
  • OFFLINE
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 1978
  • Thank you received: 348
DAD.info Moderator

If we have helped you in any way, please help DAD.info by placing your votes on the Aviva Funding Competition website for DAD.info – please click here: community-fund.aviva.co.uk/voting/project/view/17-4643 thank you.
The administrator has disabled public write access.