[Solved] 12 year old son suddenly doesn't want to see me -

Hi and welcome. I've deleted your duplicate post.

Perhaps as you say, if you let the dust settle and take these actions for now, your son might come round.

Beyond the short term would you not consider mediation followed by court action if necessary? At your son's age his wishes and feelings would be important & it would give him the opportunity to air them in a neutral setting.

I appreciate you have your wife and other children to consider but your son might appreciate any effort you attempt to rectify the situation?

Thanks
It is difficult. As I said I only really see them one weekend a month.
We have had mediation in the past - but usually the children attend with their mother (as I only have them at weekends) and therefore I have always felt that what the children have said hasn't always been there feels but hers (which leads back to the parental alienation). Even mediators and social workers have noted that they are not fully convinced it is the children's opinions......but what can I do.
My ex has encouraged them to lie to me, hide things from me and then rewarded them for doing so!
This has been going on for 6 years, with 4 court orders, which she has always tried to alter. It is well documented by social services how she manipulated the children in the past, breaking toys I had given them, blocking my calls, ripping up cards from me etc.
I have no reason to believe this behaviour has stopped, I just think that the children have learnt to cope with it, plus I have learnt to try to avoid subjecting them to things.
The most recent issue was that she had bought my son a phone, but wouldn't let him bring it with him to keep in contact with friends. He told me this was making him unhappy and asked me to speak to his mum, I tried to on 3 occasions and she just refused point blank. She actually told him he could keep his phone all the if he stayed with her
Whilst mediation initially may help with matters like this, I'm not sure about long term, as things run smoothly and well for 4-6 months then she starts writing letters, phoning and complaining about my contact!
I guess I'm just running out of steam....................

6 years and 4 court orders, that's a long time. I'm not surprised you're running out of steam .

Quite a few of our Dads have been in this position, I'm sure some of them would like to share their thoughts with you.

Other than speaking with the mother, mediation or court there are no steps to follow to assist with your decision. I hope once the dust has indeed settled, he will come round and join his sister.

Wishing you all the best

Could you get him a phone for when he's with you, so his friends can keep in touch with him when he's with you?

This was my intention - my wife has recently had an upgrade and was planning on giving him her 'old' iPhone 5.
However, I hadn't seen him and this was the first weekend I was going to.
Now, I don't actually think it is appropriate, as I don't want to reward this bad behaviour.

I don't think him not wanting to/choosing not to spend the weekend with me is bad behaviour - what I am upset and disappointed at is how he refused to tell me, left me waiting at the school for 30 minutes worrying and has told his mother he is 'scared' of me. He has never in the whole 12 years been scared of me and I have never once given him reason to be. As I said we had a wonderful time over the summer holidays (when I last saw him) and did lots of things and he never once even appeared slightly timid or nervous.
I hoped I was bringing him up to at least treat people with respect, especially me and his mother, and I have always encouraged him to talk to me about things.
I am extremely disappointed by this behaviour (although it is similar to the approach his mother has always had - whenever she hasn't wanted to do something her first line is always 'I'm scared or she scares me, or you scare me' so I know my son has probably seen it work far to many times with his mother). I don't want him to grow up thinking when you are expected to do something and don't want to you just run away and ignore that person.
So if I do see him in a months time - I think I am going to have to lay down the law about respect and handling of situations and I don't really want to give him an iPhone now!!!

I feel trapped, as I don't want to go against my beliefs and not be a good parent and not reprimand my son for basically lying and treating me in a disrespectful manner, I have 3 other children that are watching this, and I don't want any of them to ever think there is no repercussions for bad behaviour. On the other hand, I do want to see him and know that his behaviour has been encouraged by his mother.

Any advice on what to do?

My wife is extremely angry, as she is upset and hates seeing me and her two children upset by the fact he hasn't arrived when they were looking forward to seeing their big brother, but mostly upset by how disrespectful he is being after everything we try to do for him. She doesn't know how to handle it either. She doesn't feel she can pretend he hasn't done anything, as again, our other children are witness to this unfortunate event. Any advice for her, as the step mother?

Hi there

I see you have duplicated posts in the welcome and behaviour management sections, which have the same content as you have posted here.

As much as I can appreciate how stressed and upset you are feeling I don't think it would help to ask the same questions in other areas of the forum, it just causes confusion for other members trying to respond and fragments replies.

As this thread has received replies and may receive more, it's best just to let this run. I'm going to delete the other two duplicate threads, but if you would like me to move this thread to another section then I'm happy to do that. That said, this section is the most visited, just let me know what you would like me to do.

...I think you need to let the dust settle before you decide how to move forward. You and your wife are angry and disappointed at the moment and I think you all need a little time out to recover and re evaluate.

Just bear in mind that this isn't coming from your son, it's being projected onto him by his mother. She is his primary carer and he is probably feeling that he needs to protect her, there are all sorts of emotions at play here and he is very young to have such emotional baggage to carry....adults would be overwhelmed by it, let alone a child!

Keep a line of communication open to him, let him know that you are trying to understand his feelings and wishes and hopefully a little time apart and time to think will help. Let him know you love and miss him, but dont make him feel guilty about his actions, as I said he is a confused boy. Keep it light and let him know you are there for him always, with no pressure.

At the moment he is dealing with a lot of issues, but if you give him time and space he will come to see that the problem doesn't lie with you.

It's also a very difficult time for him and the implications of adolescence will be part of the mix. His body is changing, his hormones are firing up and this too will cause him personal upheaval.

Best of luck

Thank you.

Communication is exactly where the problem lies. I am not due to see my son again for a month,
My ex wife does not allow to me contact them at all when they are with her.

I only have a mobile number for her, which she switches off when the children are with her. My emails are blocked and any letters or cards have never made it to the children.
I want to do just that, to let the dust settle, but also let him know that he is always welcome and is missed by me and his siblings. Any idea how?
They live 100 miles away (3 hour drive) and I would imagine she is unlikely to answer the door (more likely to phone the police and accuse me of harassment).

I just feel very lost and drained by it all.

Unfortunately, as you won't contemplate further action, enforcement or a Specific Issue Order, the there is little you can do.

Mediation could be the next step, but as you have mentioned, that hasn't been easy because the children were there. Perhaps you could stipulate that the children aren't involved in the initial stages of mediation so that discussion could be had with the mother exclusively.

What if you were to supply your daughter with a mobile phone, you could then use that to communicate with both children.