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Hi,
I'm new here and have just been kicked out of the house we rent by my wife after having an affair which I repeatedly failed to end - stupid i know but I kept falling back into it and now things are very bad. We have a 2 and a half year old son and she has told me to write a list of the household costs and then how much i think i should be paying towards them. We have not discussed access or anything yet as this has just blown up and I'm giving her some space to cool down, but we do need to deal with these things sooner rather than later. She earns decent money and so we have a nice 2 bed house and put our boy in a good local nursery. The rent is 1700/month and the nursery is around 1300/month. Yes, a lot! If you add in electricity etc the monthly total is something like 3,400/month! On my salary there is no way I can possibly pay half of this but I have always said I will happily pay for his nursery and for my share of things if things went wrong, which they now have, big time.
I am going to live in a flat share for a time and try and rebuild her trust and as part of this I want to provide a decent level of support. But I can't pay half and the CS amount is to me too low, it would just offend her if I offered that, so i am trying to figure out a good approach. Perhaps a proportion of my net salary is the best approach? I take home 2400 a month but need around 5-600 for a room, plus another 100 for tube costs, and I guess a couple hundred for living costs. I can't live like a pauper but want to show I am trying to do the right thing, at least in this initial period.
If things do not improve and she remains hostile I will review this arrangement later to make it more feasible long term, so this current arrangement will only be for 3-6 months. A tricky situation - trying to show contrition without giving up too much, its a temporary arrangement so can be more generous than otherwise for the time being, and high costs so whatever I offer under half (which is impossible) may not go down well anyway. Not even sure if we have another chance or if this is now only about keeping good relations and regaining trust etc so we can discuss arrangements for access to my son. She is a good woman and has given me many chances and is not spiteful by nature, but i have hurt her badly and she may in this situation make things hard out of hurt. Still very fresh.
Any thought or advice most welcome!
Hi and welcome Harvs 🙂
If you earn 2400pm and you need at least 1000pm to live then that only leaves 1400pm, which is the nursery fees, with 100 left over. so there isnt actually enough left in your kitty after your living costs to do any more than pay for the nursery and 25% of the bills.
I did a rough estimate based on your salary with the CMO calculator and that says you should expect to pay roughly £90 per week, which is £360 pcm. If you start the discussion with your wife with what the government expects you to pay, and the absolute most you can afford to pay, you might be able to reach some kind of agreement that is somewhere in the middle of that.
Good luck....you're gonna need it!
Thank you. I have also looked at the calculator and will explain the limits of my capabilities and say this is all I can feasibly do. With the best intentions but there are limits.
Another issue is our families are all back in Australia and she is going home for Christmas and will spend a month with her family. She is also planning to quit her (stressful) job and had been even before all this happened. So with nothing keeping her here I expect she will decide to relocate back to Australia, which means I will also have to follow and give up everything here. Not a great situation but one of my own making.
Top tip is to make a break down of all the costs and the total amount make two copies and both counter sign it. I made the mistake of losing the small post it note the ex gave me with a break down of all the costs mortgage/childcare/loans. So I then set up a standing order just for the full amount.
Later she went to the CSA and claimed I paid nothing like £670 is nothing! Athough I could prove I paid her on a weekly basis I couldn't prove what the break down of the costs were ie £50 childcare/£50 mortgage etc and the ex lied claiming those costs were just for mortgage etc so got royally shafted.
I'd make a number of standing orders for each outgoing and clearly ID them as to what they are and who they are going to IE child care/Rent/Utility bills
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