Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Currently trying to negotiate with my wife over finances in separation. Neither of us have any savings. We have equity released from the mortgage (released to improve the house). I'm living in a small flat and want a house asap.
I've asked for between a third and half of the equity to be able to move on (I can't afford to put a deposit down and furnish a house as it stands). She has refused this saying she needs that pot to improve the house and also pay the mortgage if I'm not contributing.
We haven't decided on what I will contribute to. But I can't pay towards the mortgage, and childcare, and the upkeep of the house while renting myself somewhere that will likely be more expensive than our mortgage (we got a good rate). She has also suggested if I'm not paying towards the mortgage my pot should be less when we sell the house in 5 years (her suggestion, she can't buy me out, if we sell the kids will have to move away from friends/school).
We've reached an impasse whereby the only way forward will be solicitors and £££ or I basically cave in and agree to her demands. She's having her cake and eating it. She seems ignorant to the fact that I'll be waving goodbye to £40-50k in rent over the next few years.
Thanks
Matt
You could try mediation before going to court and/or paying for solicitors. Recommend you get one who is registered and specialises in finance after separation. You can google the Family Mediation Council for contacts in your area. There is also a guide to sorting out your finances when you get divorced on the advicenow.org.uk website. That may give you an idea of what to expect.
This is harrowingly similar to my situation in every way.
You've given her the family home under the guise of it was best for your kids, which it probably is but that's been at your detriment not hers. carrying on to pay your commitment in the form of the mortgage and this if affecting your ability to move on and start a fresh, what you're saying about renting is right you're throwing away good money and non as it is. The one phrase i keep trying to make land with my ex wife when we have these conversations is "i've compromised on x,y and z. show me where your compromise is?" it doesn't work as she hasn't a conscience but hopefully one day the penny drops.
Keep thinking of phrasing things to her as best for the kids, as 2 households of equal parity would be better than one parent having it plain and easy at the expense of the other parent surely?
It is that cake and eating it scenario. I posted something similar a couple of nights ago because of circumstances similar to yours and am now going down the mediation route with a view to obtaining a court order for the children to have her acknowledge the amount of time i have with the kids, the house one i can't seem to get her to engage with at all but there's nothing but negative equity in ours to be fair but being released or bought out of my half would be ideal.
@yorkshiredad28 Thanks for the reply.
I've managed to find a house to move to, my current living situation became inappropriate for the kids (idiot neighbour) so I took the decision they need to live with mum until I can find somewhere better. Fortunately I've done that quickly. She has refused to release joint funds to help me move (ultimately blocking access to my kids). At the same time she has ramped up a new relationship and has already had him stop over with the kids, which was absolutely not agreed to and is documented as such in mediation.
I feel like I'm dealing with someone who is unhinged. Everyone including my solicitor thinks her behaviour is appalling. I still have some emotions wrapped up in her and struggle to see it. I can't afford it but have to do solicitors now.
Thanks again.
Is it worth going the other way with it, as in saying look unless you sort this mess out I can't have the kids overnight because i'll need to work more and save more to get into a position to buy again, and surely the idea of having kids constantly might make her think twice?
The other bloke stuff, as much as i agree it seems too soon and it isn't respectful to you or the kids, it's kind of out of your control, I always think to myself she couldn't move another man in without buying me out of the mortgage but they pretty much can there's not a great deal you can do about that one. But having him the picture only helps you in this case because she isn't a single person with just the one income anymore is she so i'd be quick to point it out in mediation she's access to 2 wages.
It's easier said than done but you need to let the emotions go. Can your work help get access to counselling or anything? Mine were brilliant for that, outside of it I went to Andy's Man Club meetings on Monday evenings in my town and I couldn't give the organisation enough praise. You'll only get through this with what you're rightfully entitled to and what's best for you if you're prepared to throw the whole kitchen sink at her because some where someone's going to lose out on something neither of you will get everything your own way.
I'd say in your case it's the relationship status itself, the housing situation and the short term changes to lifestyle you've had to compromised on so now it would be her time to make some compromises going forward.
It’s impossible to work out a best strategy here without knowing what the house is worth, what your mortgage balance is, how much equity you released, where that money is held, what your & her other assets (and debts) are worth and the values of each of your pensions.
Get on with information gathering as quick as possible and then you can come to a fair settlement, rather than her have everything, block you from funds, but still expect you to pay mortgage…
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.