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In great need of some advice from dads with some experience on the following matter. Also if I can help anyone move forward in their situation from my own experience of my separation, please just ask.
My wife and I separated last June 2016 after her affair came to light, I moved out in September 2016 to a rented 2 bedroom flat in the same town.
We have 3 girls, 9yo and twins 5yo, our marital home is a large 4 bed detached, with a market value of around £300,000 morgage outstanding around £155,000
Both have pensions CETV are £120,000 for my wife's and £65,000 for mine of which is near half hers. We have yet to divorce, our marriage has been over 12 years to date. My wife works 30hrs a week as a nurse, I work full time, I have the children 52+ nights a year along with restricted contact in the week to a Tuesday pick up from school and a Friday drop off at school around my shift pattern, although I could do more.
I have always been a very connected dad and have an amazing bond with my girls, along with supporting them at school assemblies etc, my wife has tried to limit my contact for no reason, I have to just do my best. My flat has a triple bunk bed in the 2nd bedroom and it's not large enough to bring my girls up in the surroundings we deserve.
We have gone through mediation of which my wife lied through her teeth about her co-habitation and it fell apart as she wasn't willing to offer any swift resolution for my life to move on financially. I pay our joint loan £300 a month and she has a car on finance £340 a month, my child maintenance is £507.
Her boyfriend who is separated financially from his wife (not yet divorced) moved in and his 18yo son lives part time in the dining room that has been converted to a bedroom. She was claiming working tax credits £480 a month for 4 months after he moved in, I think this ceased 5 months ago after I understand the benefits dept queried her living arrangements with her boyfriend etc. I do not believe he has mail going there etc but to his mums. He is there every night and I could obtain witness statements from the neighbours to confirm this.
My wife now wants to divorce me on grounds of my adultery, as I have a new girlfriend and as I have not filed for divorce myself sooner due to waiting to see how the co-habitation plays out, my solicitors says that's not a problem and we have decided to share the court costs. The stumbling block I have is that I cannot see how and when I could be bought out of the property and free to buy/rent a more suitable property for me and my girls. My solicitor is not very dynamic and doesn't really give me good advice on how to root out any possible devious acts that will be played once I agree to a divorce and she rushes it through to a new house valuation and then onto the financials with triggers. She believes that no money owed to me should go into another family if I ever moved in with my girlfriend, she lives 1.5hrs away and it is early days, also I would never leave my town as my work is here and my girls, maybe once the girls are of age I might consider it but now my focus is me and my girls.
I would like to avoid the divorce firstly and consider the finances first, I believe a court initiated financial assessment with a form E would route out the co-habitation as he earns a good salary, their income would be £70k plus, she will not acknowledge removing me from the morgage with a re-morgage with her boyfriend untill she warrants it ok to do so.
I just don't know what to do, my funds are limited so I have to choose wisely my next step as she is very devious and only thinking of her and the girls and not considering my future with them.
Any advice would be greatly received.
Hi There,
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It is a difficult one, when you look at the fact you have 3 girls a 4 bed house would really be classed as too big, and you would also have to factor in, how much a 3 bed would be for your ex to buy if the cost of a 3 bed wouldn't be much lower than the market value of the current house then you may find even a judge wouldn't enforce the sale of the house to release funds until the girls are 18.
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You would need to look at trying to get your ex to buy you out of the property, and re mortgage to release the funds that are agreed.
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You need to look at how much you would accept from the house, and in doing this look at how much you could actually afford to accept, I know it would leave a bitter taste to take a lower amount from the house to get her to re mortgage, but consider taking a lower amount to gain closure.
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If you wanted to go for say 60-70% of the equity then that could take a long fight and cost you a fair bit in legal fees and possibly end up in court which could then push those legal fees even further up. As said though it's not ideal if you were to suggest a 20% equity you would come away with 29k which would be enough for a good deposit for a place of your own.
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you need to look at what you gain by fighting for the extra and put that against what it may cost to get that through solicitors and possible court, a friend of mine went through court not that long ago and it cost him around 15k in legal fees and costs, so using that as a guide, if you pushed for 35% say equity you would get 50k but possibly spend 15k plus in fees and costs you would end up with 35k not much more than if you went in at 20% in the first place and you would save a lot of stress as well.
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You need to take some legal advice on this and then use your own common sense and not get dragged into a legal battle led by your solicitor who will just line their pockets.
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GTTS
Thank you for your advice.
I do appreciate if she wasn't co-habiting it would be a lot easier and I would settle for a realistic outcome financially. Another concern is the big pension difference that my wife is wanting to keep all of hers.
Just so confused, I want the finances addressed before the divorce, this was the main aim of our mediation attempts of which failed.
Hi There,
,
This could be part of your bargaining, state that if she accpepts a percentage now, without dragging things out, that you will go for clean break and leave her pension alone.......
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However if she makes this hard work and drags it out then you will go for 50% of her pension, and if she makes you wait until the girls are 18 then you would be going for 50% of the equity at the current market value.
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It may just be the carrot that she needs to act when she starts to realise how much she could have to pay out if she waits.
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If you do decide to go for a lesser amount and leave her pension alone, you could set a dealine date say 3-6 months and if she hasn't agreed and settled then the offer is off the table and that you will go all out for everything you can.
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It may be worth working out half of the joint debt and adding that to the final settlement so that her half can be cleared (by you so you know it's done) then you only have your half to clear.
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GTTS
Hi there,
I had a similar situation with my (now ex) wife, thought she could try and take me for everything I owned so her and her new boyfriend could live happily ever after with our Son age 3 and daughter age 5. After a 3 year period of separation without a divorce she seemed to be getting serious with her current partner and started telling me we needed to get a divorce and "closure". Without meaning to sound like I'm jumping to conclusions, but from knowing the woman intimately and knowing her for a good numbers of years, this new behavior was totally out of character and I felt like it was prompted by her boyfriend. Ridiculous demands were being made, that I should have to give up our 4 bedroom family home, (that I'd owned before we got married and had continued to live in after we'd separated) along with a couple of other ridiculous demands.
After loads and loads of legal battles, and her breaking in and flushing all of my clothes and watches down the toilet, till the toilet became blocked (cleared by expertly and the same day by local plumbers. Thanks guys!) . We finally got a divorce last year and although I had to buy her out of the house, I couldn't recommend it more, as now I know how people you think you now can change after a little bit of pushing from a sick individual. Still get weekends with my kids after she'd threatened I'd never see them again!
Sounds like a good result for you, all the better as you managed to stay in your home and the home the kids are familiar with.
I've edited out the link to the plumbers that you mentioned, sorry about that but we have to be careful about advertising businesses.
All the best
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